I realized something this morning. For all that I vehemently assert my hate of my binge eating behavior, I sure do enable it, a lot!
If I only took away a lot of the planning behaviors, safeguards to make binging possible/easier, it would make my life a lot more simple. No more debating all day about whether or not to binge if I simply can't!
Just thinking about it actually causes a lot of anxiety. As I'm typing this now, it's making me want to binge so bad, at least that "one last time," just in case, heaven forbid, it actually works and I don't binge as much.
Here's what I'm going to do and stop doing:
1. The biggest one: leave my wallet at home!! No cash, no bank card. With this one step, it becomes basically impossible for me to get binge food, unless I make the trek to the bank and somehow convince them to give me money, which is highly unlikely. I would say I'd only leave the cash, hoping that shame would be enough to keep me from using the family bank account funds for binging, but I know from experience that unfortunately it's not. So, it's the whole wallet.
2. Stop bringing a spoon. Yes, I carry a spoon around in my backpack to binge with, because binging with a plastic spoon is no fun.
3. Wear form-fitting or non-expandable clothes. Even just wearing a top which requires a bra is discouragement enough. This one is harder in the winter now though, since I'm wearing a big raincoat every day anyway.
4. Don't go to school when I have lots of free time. I tend to go early, or at all on the days I have no class, just to use the gym, but that can backfire so bad if I have the binge urge. Just need to go with enough time for a workout and to get to my classes, then I'm coming right back.
5. Stop booking private rooms. I have them booked like two weeks in advance just to have a private binge space. I'm deleting them all right now and not making more.
-----
I've been doing all those things on a daily basis. No wonder I've given in and binged so much! I'm practically setting myself up for failure, doesn't it seem like?
Let's see how this works. Like I said, it's incredibly anxiety-making, but I really want to give it a go....
It's great that you're taking this step! Best of luck! It's going to be such a challenge to face your anxiety head on, but it sounds like you're really ready to start the process.
Reading your post's made me think about how I enable my binging. While I hate binging, I love the actual act of doing it, but instantly hate myself for doing it afterwards (classic binge/purge behaviour).
I think understanding how you can prevent yourself from binging is an excellent way to start the stopping process and I'll definitely be having a long hard think about how I can do this too.
Yeah, I've noticed that when I'm thinking clearly, it's OK, and I can rationally realize that I don't want to binge and I can remember all the bad things about it. But the closer and closer I get to actually being able to binge, all that goes right out the window!! That's why I think it's important to remove the ability to binge ahead of time, while I'm still clear-headed enough to do so, rather than chance it and hope that I'll resist later on. Because I'm just not sensible enough to restrain myself when those urges are full on, you know? I can justify anything at that point...
I can't justify anything once I'm close to binging either, it's like I'm not in control of my own body. Such a horrible feeling, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm the one in charge, not my addiction!
Oh my goodness....I'm so thankful I left my wallet at home today. I have been tempted SO MANY times to go and binge today. It seems like there are a million triggers that bring up the thought into my mind: realizing I have an unpleasant assignment to finish, feeling my clothes are too tight..... even just seeing a SIGN on a BUS that I saw ONE TIME a MONTH ago while I was carrying binge foods with me!! All of that reminds me of binging and starts me on the great debate- "should I? shouldn't I??"
But today, every time, all it took was about half a minute or so to remember, "oh. i have no money. it is literally impossible for me to binge (barring stealing, which I have done before, yes, and have gotten caught doing, and will never never never do again)," and then I'm free! At least until the next thought hits.
But really, it's so freeing to not have to have that argument with myself, constantly having to make the decision to not binge. It's really no wonder I gave in so often before. I perfectly realize that now...
I just need to make it through the morning without letting myself think I ought to be able to binge. After that, like I said, I can't at school when I have no money, and I can't in the evening since I'm with my husband. So that means I've got to be vigilant about a) not checking my weight and b) not skimping on dinner and waking up too hungry, since both of those lead to binge urges by telling myself I'm thin enough to justify it.
OHMYGOSH I want to binge today so badly.
I can't quite articulate a reason. It's like a big mush of feelings inside of me, I think.....being tired, cold, hungry, stressed, anxious, etc. etc. etc.
But it doesn't matter anyway, because I can't binge because I have exactly 67 cents with me, and there's absolutely no food I can buy for only 67 cents, nor do I ever binge on less than like $25 anyway. And neither am I going to steal food (done it before, got caught, never repeating that!). This is one of those days I simply could not have made the decision to not binge if I had the opportunity.....
I just have to be careful tomorrow, because no doubt the feeling will still be there tonight and I might crack and bring money the next day. I'm just going to make it a plan tomorrow to go to an early section of all my classes and let myself go home and start the weekend early.
Thank you very much for your support, atmos! It's so helpful to be able to post here and know I'll get encouragement from people.
So far I'm OK....a little bit chain-snacking, lol, but just on hard candies and drinks mostly. Oh well, a bunch of empty calories is still better than a binge! I'm counting the day a success already.
Well, I did make it through yesterday.
Today I'm feeling pretty binge-y, honestly. I've done no enabling behaviors actively, but I've accidentally got $20 burning a hole in my pocket, and I think that's contributing. Must remember to put that away at home!
I think it's also because I am slightly over-deficit-ed. It's a paradox: for all that stress makes me want to binge, it also really puts off my regular appetite!!
But I am not letting myself waver: even while I wondered about binging, I went on automatic, and went to the gym even though I was tired and ate the big lunch I packed even though I didn't feel hungry. And I'm feeling a bit better now. At least I know for certain I won't binge today! Probably going to let myself go home early.
The only time I binge is when I am alone or only with my kids and even then I try to hide it from them. So I know if I am alone I may be setting myself up. I just recently told my husband that this is my biggest trigger so he can make himself more available or at least check in on me (sounds kinda rediculous, but hey if it helps me then I am not ashamed).
Tori- It's not ridiculous at all! I think that sounds like a great strategy. Being alone is the only time I'll binge as well, which recently I'm on campus at school most of the day, so it was so hard! That's why I look forward to the weekends, when me and DH are together all day. I'm glad getting your husband to check in with you works for you too!! It's really necessary to have good support. (:
Enabling myself - stopping!
