[mascara blue]

So I've met this guy at uni who is great, he is funny, he has a good job and great personality and likes me. I really wanted to hang out with him and I like him and I think he is pretty shy but he is also overweight. Which i dont care about but at the moment I am struggling so much with my diet and have such a tenous hold on my eating and I am too scared to date a guy who is overweight and is not on a diet or even healthy eating. We had lunch during the course and he ordered all the foods that i CANT eat and normally wont even go near and he didnt just order them. he ordered the large size which is fine, i think people need to decide to eat well when they are ready but for me sitting there while he was eating was torture! I very nearly slipped nd had some and had to walk away. I was so good on my diet, 800g left to my goal weight when I lost a very close family member and I have spent the psat 2 months since the week before the funeral, on a nightmare of binge eating and remorse diet and binge eating again and untold amount of chocolate and in two months have gained back 10kg of what I lost and i am devestated about that too. I feel like I am constantly wlking on a tight robe and its soooo hard and i think if i dated a guy who is unrestricted eating is what is going to tip me over the edge. I am not the kind of person who is going to accept herself fat. I have to lose weight! so anyway after the unit he emailed me saying lets catch up for coffee and I didnt even respond and I feel so bad but at the moment, its all i can do not to run to the nearest store and buy huge amount of chocolates and biscuits and eat it all.

I think maybe if i was at maintenance at least... I dont know...its so hard to constantly want to eat and trying not to eat. I am so unhappy and feel so out of control and just going past pastry shops makes me incredibly anxious because I dont trust myself not buy soomething and eat it. i went past a pie shop this afternoon and I cant get the picture of the pie they had on the display. I am obsessed with this pie and I dont know what to do and how can I tell this guy how crazy I am in my head and how much i hate myself and how if I dated him, id expect him not to eat things around me... EVER??? its crazy and selfish and its just hard! just so hard!

At work someone was saying that another co-worker was alcoholic and everyone's all "i cant believe people can drink that much.. how can someone do that to themselves" and I have to be quiet because I know I am a food addict and what is the difference between that and being an alcohlic?? I have spent so much money on crap food and two days ago,I spent an hour at the super market just walking around wanting to buy chips and chocolate and constantly kept picking up packets and then returning and putting them back. I bet the staff are watching the security video of the crazy woman just roaming the aisle.

Phew! i feel slightly better but not so much. I am seriously thinking of seeing a psychologist but my work is so crazy busy now that I dont get time to do it. Does seeing a therapist even help?? has anyone stopped binge eating because they saw a psychologist? How can they help this incredible need to eat?

no one in my family or my friends knows how much I struggle with eating. They dont see me as fat at the moment (my BMI is overweight but i am tall) and when they see me eating my tuna or when i decline going out for dinner or just order coffee while they eat cake (which btw its torture for me) they say things like "you dont have to be this strict. YOu look great" and I want to scream at them for being so unobservant but its not their fault because i try so hard to hide it from them. Or say things like "oh ha ha i ate too much crap yesterday... need to detox" or "oh... i just need to lose a couple of kilos". While in the inside I get this weird need to go on a binge!

Anyway rant over! Sorry about this...its just this is the only place I can reall vent. xo

[Pudgebrownie]

I don't mean to be intrusive but have you considered consulting a professional regarding your eating issues? I have a history of ED myself, and I was very secretive about my doings, it literally controlled my life. To address the issue at hand.. Remember that everyone has demons and no one is perfect. We all fall short somewhere. Despite this man being overweight and having an opposite outlook on food than you, is he a good person (treats you kindly and is understanding)? If you'd like to pursue a friendship/relationship but are worried about the food issues, let him know that you're on a weight loss journey and you need to surround yourself by supportive people. If he respects you, he'll "get it". If he doesn't, then at that point, you can re-evaluate the situation and decide whether you want to cut all ties together. A friendship/relationship should be based on patience, tolerance, understanding, support and ultimately respect. A friendship/relationship that has these - anything is achievable. Best of luck.

[sept2012]

Wow. I love your honesty. Listen.... I don't think it makes you a bad person for not wanting to date someone who is not on your journey. One of the reasons people do gain weight is when they get comfortable with eachother and they "nest". If he is already overweight and you are struggling with it you know in your heart of hearts you do have to have that conversation with him. Unfortunatly for you he either needs to jump on the band wagon or you are going to have to cut your losses. The struggle you have on a daily basis is hard enough. You can't convilute it by thinking (especially after you have shared meals with him) it will get easier or you will be able to resist the tempations. No - you have issues with food and being around a person who is going to make bad choice may bring you down... that is unless of course you have willpower made of steel. Lets face it most of us don't.

So I say talk to him about it - gingerly. The last thing you want to do is make him feel bad about his lifestyle but you have to stand up or take a stand for yours.

Good luck to you. Its not an easy task.

JO

[drixnot]

Maybe you are being too restrictive in an effort to hurry through the weight loss process.... so when you are craving junk... take that as a signal from your body... but instead of buying junk get a piece of fruit... or several pieces of fruit. It might not be the sweet you crave but the vitamins that are associated with sweet fruits.

[JossFit]

Originally Posted by sept2012

I don't think it makes you a bad person for not wanting to date someone who is not on your journey

I wholeheartedly agree. My husband and I share a LIFESTYLE and even though he takes more dietary liberties than I do, we are both committed to staying fit and healthy. We encourage eachother to eat well (most of the time) rest when we need it, and push ourselves harder in our workouts.

The last man I dated before my husband... not so much. We had a blast together, but every date was going out for a huge dinner, ordering pizza and watching movies, drinking way too much, etc. I was about 35 pounds heavier during that time and it was in no small part to that relationship. I kept my diet on track during the week and worked out the same as I do now, but the weekends with him were killer.

Personal testimony aside, my point is that as an adult when you are in a relationship that person is your partner and if you don't have the same goals and values in life generally one person ends up sacrificing something. For you in this case, it could be your weight loss progress.

[4star]

You have to separate you from him on this one. He has behaviors that scare you b/c it brings your own demons into the light. You might not be able to have a relationship with him b/c of this but it's not b/c of him. It's b/c of food and self-esteem issues that you have and it's probably best to tell him you're just dealing with some issues and aren't ready for a relationship right now. You aren't always gonna have the same preferences as someone else. If you were invested in this relationship, you could grow together and make lifestyle changes together. But I think for right now, you are seeing his weight as being everything you fear for yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person but I wouldn't string him along if you are already wanting him to change for your benefit. What he eats and what other people eat around you didn't cause your food addiction and only you can battle that addiction. You will have to practice all of the time, just like an alcoholic that has to walk into a grocery store or other places that serve alcohol.

I would say don't write him off b/c of his weight, normally. But aren't you already judging him for what you don't like about yourself? That puts him at a disadvantage and it's probably best to not drag him into those issues, even if it means passing up a great guy.

There's always the alternative to tell him about your food struggles and that going to restaurants where there aren't healthy options trigger them even worse. Maybe he would like to change his habits too and you guys can eat healthier and get some exercise together..