Some people believe in "horoscopes". I do not. I do believe that God is involved in our lives to the minute details, and that He loves us. I also believe He uses ways to communicate to us, if we will stop and listen.

Here is a word from a website, that has brought me through some terrible days. I call them "God-scopes".

Watch for and resist the temptation that comes to draw you back into condemnation that stems from old places of rejection and failure. This is an attack from the enemy of your soul. Recognize it for what it is, and give no place for the devil. Set your mind and heart on things that build you up and not tear you down. I am for you, says the Lord, and not against you. Look up!

Acts 20:32 "So now, brethren, I commend you to God and to the word of His grace, which is able to build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

Really, I should rejoice that I have this job opportunity. I want to be doing God's work in this world and that is not a place of sadness and anger. It is a place of joy. Plus I am so blessed to be able to make such a good living for my children.

I have been praying alot today. I finally feel peace.

The interviewers told me that another candidate (internal) popped up and that I would have to wait for her to be interviewed. I may or may not get this position. I will just have to wait it out and trust God.

ok, yesterday, the exhaustion kept me from making more sensible food choices. I ate high fiber oatmeal cookies for most of the day. I was soo tired, it hurt to keep my eyes open.

today, since I don't have any more interviews to worry about, and I'm in dangerous unknown territory, I decided to go ahead and start my 50g carb days.

You ever see a picture of someone that you just want to vandalize. Put a mustache on them, draw devil horns. That is how I feel when I look at my current avatar, I am so unhappy right now.

I am unhappy in my love life, and I am unhappy all the way around about everything. I know I should be thankful, but I am fighting to just smile. I know alot of changes are coming, and I'm scared. I already feel the weight of working coming down on me, and again, I am pissed off at my so called partner. who puts as little effort as possible into our home life and relationship.

I will leave it at that. I'm going to bed, before I think something I will regret.

Jen, I am sorry to read you are not feeling well about your life. Take a deep breath and think about how you could make it better... but don't rush to do or say anything you will regret. Eating will not solve anything, and quarrelling with your patner won't either.
When my life was hectic some years ago Flylady helped (checked her site if you don't know the system), and also Get Organized Now helps now and then. I just read their emails and get good ideas to organize my housework better. Children and teenagers learn to help if they see a benefit in it (social or individual).
You may be freaking out a little over the interview and the second candidate, so probably till that is somehow solved you will be feeling awful. Bite the bullet and (as Flylady says) think in terms of fifteen minute activities to push housework.
Things will get better!

jendiet - you are terrific for doing this and it is exactly what I needed today. I am so sorry that you are going through a rough patch. I do think it is great that you are trying to take control of your eating and your life. I have a few teenagers too, so I know how stressful it can be - especially if you and your co-parenting partner aren't on the same page. You can get though this.

ingles, I know that quarreling will not help. However, I can't understand why SO DOESN'T GET IT. I need more help around here. Especially since I GOT THE JOB.

here are the changes I face:

I won't get to sleep at night anymore. I will work 7pm-7am.
Since I will work 12 hour shifts, I have to figure out how to deal with my regular days.
I have to make sure to pump milk for the baby for the night feedings
I have to figure out how to juggle sleep, housework, cooking dinner, doing school work, and working.
I won't be home in the morning to make sure teenager gets up and gets to school on time.
I will be STRESSED about the care of the baby at night.

guac, I talked with my teenager, and you know what he said, when I said "I need help to lighten my load" He said

"I can help do that". Out of the mouth of babes.

Why can't SO think the same thing in his head. All he says is "we'll get through this". that is not comforting because he is part of the problem, and until he sees that, and changes for the better--he is not going to be of any help to me.

my head hurts really badly today.

I am praying to God for peace. I am also praying about healing my relationship. I have to get over that I am upset because SO is not my ideal man. He is still the love of my life, and he has many good qualities.

this word came from the "God-scope" today:

Come into My presence to receive healing and restoration from the demands on your time and energy. I am your source of life and strength, and you must take the time to come to Me to be refreshed and renewed. Resist the temptation to try to find natural remedies to a spiritual condition. Let Me help carry your burdens and make the load lighter, says the Lord.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

He couldn't have said it better.

Congratulations on getting the job! You made it!
As for the rest, it will really be uphill. But you will do it, because you have to. Your DS will help out, you'll see! As to your baby, school work and housework, OMG it is going to be hard! You really need to have a long chat with SO and make sure he takes responsibility over some tasks so you can feel less stressed out. Tell us how you do, ok?

Ingles, i love that you are mentoring me. I know you have come a long way, and I appreciate your solid advice.

Yeah, it will be uphill, but the battles are the Lord's.

heh. I had a nice evening with SO we checked out google earth and showed each other where we used to live. It was nice.

I'm so tired, might start rambling, good night and thanks.

After SO and I reconnected, the loving feeling came back. We automatically started to meet each other's needs in a sincere fashion. I stopped nagging and started cuddling and making nooky, and he started putting dishes up and helping with baby and after dinner.

thank God!

So been a positive week, although you could say this is the calm before the storm when we both struggle to find the new routine, and get the baby set in a sleeping schedule that will benefit us both.

I rather enjoy this little honeymoon stage of cuddling together on the couch and talking to each other.

The scale got me. I weighed in at 197 this morning. My whole mood was dampened. My eating has not been great. But I will NOT sink into the dark pit of no return. I will not keep eating crap because "it doesn't matter" and I will never lose the weight. blah blah.

One weigh in IN THE SCHEME of things. I am on a downward trend and THAT IS WHAT COUNTS.

Putting up the chips, and will total calories and plan dinner.

ok, dinner was yuck. I do not like tilapia. I don't know why I thought it would be better tonight.

I was tempted to binge, but ended up only eating a small amount of calories after dinner.

Ended today close to my 1800 goal. So not bad.

I am very stressed about my new class, and my exercise regimen. Especially since my hip is sore and my feet hurt so badly.

so scale was still adamant about the 197. I didn't let it get to me, then I got stressed about my appt tomorrow and all the pre-employment stuff. I actually am confused about when my appt is scheduled for. The recruiter called today and said we were rescheduling my 2pm appt for friday at 1pm, but I have an 8 am appt tomorrow. Or so I think??? When she hung up, she said we'll see you Friday. So does that mean my appt for yesterday was rescheduled to 1pm and I still have an appt at 2 pm on Friday? uuuughgggh. Now is NOT the time for CONFUSION and brain farts.

On top of that, I waited to print out the forms, and my PRINTER WOULD NOT WORK, what kind of crap is it when you CAN'T PRINT something in black ink because you are OUT OF MAGENTA!!!!!

I was so stressed, I ate ALL of the rest of the pecan bars I made. I shouldn't lie to myself. I bake goods---I eat goods. period. This only happens when I bake. If it's prepackaged--I'm fine to let it sit. I bake, and I eat it ALL.

dang, I guess I will call to the apartment about my 8am appt at 7:15. That will give me enough time to figure it out.

ONE GOOD THING. it was not a 2000 calorie binge. It was only a 1600 calorie binge. I will take the positive side of this. I finished the day with 2600. Scale won't be moving down any time soon, but I'm ok with that for now.

Jendiet,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading and cheering for you! I can relate to your pecan bars binge. I over-eat when I bake, too.... Stick with it, hang in there, you can do it!!!!

Thanks so much ravens. I need to recognize pitfalls. The day before an important appt, is definitely a trigger for me. I do have to say I was much better behaved because normally I start on ONE food, and move the next in rapid succession in sort of a "screw it, I already blew it attitude". SO I am still seeing improvement.

we went to sonic, and got icecream, well shakes. I wanted the coconut pie milkshake, they just had the blue coconut cream slush. I drank some, I drank some cherry limeade. I am NOT used to all that sweet and cold and I got sick to my stomach.

I don't like that feeling. I genuinely got sick instead of purged because I got nauseous from all the sugar. I think I will stick to my own homemade shakes. Which have alot less sugar.

ugh, today was just NOT a good day. I turned to the solace of food. I did try something that COMPLETELY back fired on me. Maybe I will learn from it.

Woke up, very stressed, had a cup of coffee, went to my appt, very stressed. Came back. Still very stressed. Very tired. ONLY 3 hours of sleep. Avoided food because was still sleepy, finally snacked on some sun chips and milk.

had a HUGE fight with SO. Was crying, MAD, decided to make dinner, tasted dinner several times before it went on the table. Ate dinner, but wanted to go for icecream (Icecream is COMFORT). Went and got some, but decided I wanted my cherry limeade, but then tried the icecream slush--big mistake. Made me sick. Decided I shouldn't eat anymore tonight.

THEN. got hungry. All I wanted was a chicken patty. Went into the freezer. icecream was stil there, started to eat it, but still wanted chicken.

finally put icecream down, but now my hunger for the chicken was too much. I had 2 instead of 1.

So, I avoided food earlier, instead of tracking what I finally ate because I thought not eating very much would just set off a binge, and instead NOT tracking set off a binge.

Today was just NOT my day. I failed again. I used icecream for comfort food and probably finished today around 3000 calories.

I am very stressed, and feel LIKE NO ONE is in my corner, I feel ALONE and I am scared. food seems to be the only NON frightening familiar thing around here.

So hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

You are not alone, Jen!
I think that the high-carb foods you have been eating make it very hard for you to control yourself. My advice is that you go low-carb --really low-carb-- for a week or two. That will make your cravings practically disappear, believe me. After that controlling yourself will be far easier.
For some time I read the Radiant Recovery web page... it helped me, not exactly to lose weight, but to be in control. Hope this helps!

Jendiet,

I know how hard this is for you, and I struggle with a lot of the same things, too. I know it's hard. I know it's hard to keep picking yourself back up. Just out of curiosity, what is your eating pace or emotional state during some of these episodes? I know for me, when I binge, I am frantic/nervous/stressed, and I am usually eating very quickly. If you can take a few seconds before the next time you are craving something sugary, write down how you feel, and afterwards see if you still want the food. (I know for me, most times I don't give myself that few seconds to think about what I am doing) because I just want to numb myself out. OR, just tell yourself you are going to eat something like ice cream, then you are going to eat it slowly in order to enjoy it. Most of the time I find that if I eat it slowly I will stop a lot sooner because I'm like "why the f am I doing this?" and I realize I'm just eating out of self-loathing and misery.

I know it's hard when things at home aren't great. When my SO and I fight, it puts me in a foul mood and the first thing I turn to is food.

Just know that we are here, and we are rooting for you

well, my low carb days kept me under control, but on the "off" days started to lose control again.

Friday, I was so stressed and run down, I ate about 800 calories total. I did low carb.
Saturday, I had so much fun, I ate decently.
Sunday, complete out of control behavior, especially with the soreness from saturday, and some comments from the inlaws that bothered me. . .

Still trying to recover today, but I am emotionally, and physically MISERABLE.

I had a few episodes of b & p between last night and this morning.

I think I am just too tired to eat. What I eat doesn't make sense, because I am too tired to go in there and make healthy foods I guess.

I am depressed because I keep having flare ups of pain with my hip and feet, or maybe the depression goes with the flares?

raven, I also eat very fast when I am in binge mode. I hate how I feel when I actually stop and look at what I have done.

the 3 hourse of sleep I got seemed to reset my binge craziness. I am still very stressed about starting work, and I know eating is not going to help that.

well, this last round of low carb--I didn't do too hot. I tried. For the next couple of days I didn't even track. I DO CARE. I DON'T want to gain back the weight.

My eating has been out of control for the past couple of days. i am sure I took in at least 3000 for the past couple of days.

Back to tracking tomorrow, today, I MIGHT be able to add up how much I ate, it will be a good idea to assess the damage, so i can get over it and get back on track.

well, I did it again. I am pissed off. My teenager is REALLY frustrating me. I gave him a list of chores to do today. He wanted to get up in the middle of the night and play his x-box until all hours of the morning. This is NOT allowed. So I grounded him and gave him chores. He totally slacked on the chores. Left laundry all over the house, went to bed with the living room a mess, I feel like he is doing it ON PURPOSE. I was going to pay him per load, but his quality is so poor! I'm so sick of asking him to do stuff over and over.

Plus, I'm really stressed about my paper, and starting a new job.

in addition, my stupid dog ran away, and OF COURSE. Nobody knows how he got out. I hate that everyone plays stupid. If you left the door open, the dog got out--duh.

PLUS, I have a clogged milk duct and that shiz hurts! I have tried to pump to relieve it, and it just won't.

so I binged on chocolate covered oat thins, I ate one whole box, and at a fiber bar. I wish I had chocolate (plain) I would just eat that, but I don't.

my stomach hurts (gassy like, not full like).

tomorrow, I will do much better.

I felt like a total idiot and ASHAMED telling the endocrinologist I had a binge disorder. he totally didn't take me serious after that.

well, today I am tracking, I actually have to sit down and write it down though. I had a blocked milk duct last night and slept in a little extra.

So far, I have not tried to binge, but I have been eating all day.

Jen, as I read you last post I got to thinking that maybe it would be good for you to count blessings too. Venting about what makes your life difficult is a great way to feel better; sometimes and for some people it also works to look around and think about those things that make you happy. I used to complain about my boys sucking at school, and then they grew into affectionate, hard working young men and I came to realize I had never thought of how good they were in aspects I never considered important. You are breastfeeing, for instance, and it is hard work. I could never breastfeed past the first month because I stopped producing milk. My babies cried a lot because they didn't like the bottle, and seeing them so tiny and weak made me feel such a bad mom! You are lucky you can breastfeed! See what I mean? Come on, you must have some blessings to count... Tell us!

oh ingles, I do! I have a wonderful very helpful ds1, not only is he helpful he is funny. He makes me laugh and he is so good with the baby. He has his teenage moments.

my SO is also a sweetheart, he is a volunteer firefighter and he loves sports and hanging with the guys (sometimes too much).

and my baby, he is so sweet. I love sitting with him and teaching him about his environment. He gets into everything (just like ds1) but he is also a sweetie and mostly obedient (just like ds1). If I tell him to put something down he drops it or he brings it to me, and says his toddler "dak-ye" for "thank you".

I am blessed because I have good health, if not optimum, and we have a decent place (nice when I clean up) to live and great looking gardens.

And of course, God has given me the opportunity to have this job at the local hospital. I am so glad I have the opportunity to do something for others, and I know if I am faithful I will hear "well done good and faithful servant".

ingles, I am so glad I can breastfeed my little one, I am so sorry you went through that with your little ones. the baby hates the bottle/cup at night, but he will take it during the day. My plan is to get him good and full before he goes to bed around midnight and then hopefully he will sleep about 5 hours, and I will be able to come home and sleep in with him and breastfeed him while we are napping through the morning.

How wonderful! It is great to see you have so much around you to feel happy about! Congratulations!!!!