on the edge
I feel like I need this group right now. Sorry to just jump in like this.
The unfortunate part of having had an eating disorder is that sometimes in times of really heavy stress, it tries to sneak back in. I had a really, really bad problem with restrict/binge-purge cycles before I made up my mind to save myself.
I just had a pretty bad fight with my boyfriend that ended unresolved and now I'm really upset. At my own apartment I am ok because I can only afford to buy enough food for a week at a time, so I know if I eat all of that I literally won't be able to eat for the rest of the week, period. But I'm at my parents' house which means there's food EVERYWHERE that they WANT me to eat. And I can't destroy THEIR food...
All I can think right now about is eating so much random crap-- pickles, cupcake sprinkles, Sausage biscuits, 3 day old leftover Mexican food, whatever i can get my hands on and eating and eating and eating and then throwing it all up until my stomach is empty again.
I've really ashamed to admit I've done this a couple of times this week already for the first time in close to a year, except what I ate weren't even binges. ****, they didn't even put me over my calorie limit COMBINED with all the other food I ate those days. The first time was a cup of cherries and 2 oz. of cheese. I don't even know WHY. I think throwing up like that is what has gotten me stuck at this one weight for the past 3 days because my body knows it's not being treated right. Being alone at my parents' house every day has been hard, and I can't go back to my apartment until August. That also means I can't see my boyfriend until August. I'm starting work this week, so I'm hoping that maybe the horrible lonely feeling will go away eventually. Sometimes I wonder if this place will always trigger my ED.
Purging in itself is horrible for you, but it's combined with the fact that I am on Wellbutrin, which is an antidepressant notorious for drastically lowering the seizure threshold in people with a recent history of eating disorders because of electrolyte imbalances and things like that. So basically, I'm an idiot. It was a really useful deterrent for a while, but these couple of times it was like I didn't even think about it until after I purged and then I was like "Oh ****. I could have a seizure."
WHEN (not if) I get past the urge to b/p, I'm going to have to resist the urge to restrict for the next few days too, because it's a vicious cycle. I restrict like crazy when I'm under stress, and until this blows over (which it will) it's going to be really hard.
Moral of the above paragraph: If you see me complaining around the boards about not being hungry in the next week, feel free to call me out on it. But I'm going to try and stay positive that that won't happen.
I'm sorry for all of this rambling. I feel like every once in a while I have a meltdown like this and then I look back at the post and I'm embarrassed at how ridiculous I sounded. I'm embarrassed now because I really feel like people will read this and be either be like "Holy crap, this girl's a whiny, over-dramatic train wreck." or "Wow, she should NOT be trying to diet with the remnants of that ED." I just needed to put it somewhere because I feel like if I put this here I'll be less likely to give in. Please don't judge me too harshly.
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