Teetering on the edge of rock bottom/click....help me over???
There is some MAJOR mental stuff going on with me. Mostly I've been questioning myself every night about why I seem to have this death wish???
I mean...I do not, not, NOT want to die...but I keep shoveling it in...what's up with that?? It just makes no sense! My Dad died at 44 (when I was 7) of a heart attack! He didn't have any "small" warning heart attacks beforehand...he just had a massive one..and died, at such a young age! He smoked 2 packs a day and was a VERY angry person. I smoke...not as much, but that's not the point. I'm on the pill and will be 30 in Dec. (all risk factors for heart attack) I'm by no means an angry person...but it's like I KNOW what I'm headed for..and STILL...I eat...I just don't get it!!!!
I know I'm on the verge of a breakdown/CLICK (you know..the whole rock bottom thing)...it's brewing deep inside me, and is consuming all of my thoughts. I feel it coming with every fiber of my being...maybe telling you guys what I just did, will be a part of that! I hope so.
I see these things as positive...tools for change, pushing me toward being able to start this all over again.
To lose weight or not is something that we have to wrestle with until we are ready... and it doesn't matter whatever else we're facing. It took me being over 3lbs for a few months until I realized that I just didn't want to be overweight anymore. I wanted to lose weight for YEARS, but alas, much like you, I still ate and ate and ate and ate... I hope that it certainly "clicks" and takes root in you before something like a major heart attack does... but will power is a funny thing that way. The first thing I would do is throw out the junk food and the cigarettes, but I've never smoked before so I don't know how hard that would be for you.
All I can say is that I know that we (as the collective 3FC) are here for you, and I hope that you finally arrive to the place of no return before anything serious happens... and the sooner the better. BUT, I do know that ANYONE can do this, including you, and it's NOT too late yet. Make steps, even if they are small, to get moving in the right direction. If you're eating 3,000 calories a day, try limited to 2,000, and then decrease it from there.... or whatever!
Up until I was 30, I lived in kind of a bubble - all of the "risk factors" seemed to be worse for people in their late 30's, 40's. Like that was the time to worry, but not now, because I still had "so much time". Even from 30 until a couple of months ago, I was feeling so caught up in life and events - my mom's illness, having my son, the death of my mom and my grandmother within 8 months of each other - that I just didn't let myself think about it too much.
But then, out of the blue it seems, I started thinking about it and couldn't stop. I'm 33 now. I'm not immune. I'm a couple of years away from the time that health experts say is like an invisible threshold, when losing weight will only become harder and my risks from my weight will skyrocket. My back aches sometimes - that never happened before. I sometimes get a fluttery feeling in my chest that scares me. And I realize that, I'm here - I'm in the time where something could happen and no one would really be all that shocked. And I realize that I have NO MORE TIME. I have to do this now, because my life literally does depend on it. My QUALITY of life depends on it. I've realized that I'm not superhuman, that I really, truly am at risk just like everyone else who's like me - and unlike my mother, who had cancer and no choice in her fate, I DO. This one thought - that I CAN fix this, one choice at a time - gets me through almost every hurdle these days. It's hard, no doubt, but I've had the wake-up call, and it takes up too much space in my head to be ignored any longer.
Maybe it sounds dramatic, but I think of my son. Thinking of him makes it so much easier to say no to ice cream, or a little bit more pasta - because more than that extra bite, I want to be HERE. Even in the toughest moment, when I might not muster the strength to do it for me, I manage to do it for him.
I spent so many years waiting for the click. It came to me, not like a lightning bolt like I always expected, but more like a dawning realization - my "click" was the cumulative effort of a lot of different emotions and experiences. And it didn't come when my worries were indulgent and focused on a smaller size - it came when life got too hard and almost scary in a way. When living this way - with the worry, the pain, the fear - finally became harder than the effort I imagined I'd have to expend to change. I still have a long way to go, to be sure - but I've come so far already and credit myself for what I've already accomplished. I'm human, and have not so great thoughts sometimes - but deep down, I do believe in myself now. I never did before. I know I can do this. I know anyone can, if they really are ready to.
The mental battle you're raging right now sounds so familiar to me - I do really think you're almost there. Those emotions and thoughts contain a lot of power, and I think it's awesome that you're tuned in and listening.
Does the food taste good enough to die for? Do you enjoy how you feel or how your life is right now? I don't think so on either accounts.
I think you have it in you to make a complete turn around. Food is definitely an addiction and we all know that. I am definitely addicted to food but the one thing that helps is now I'm addicted to healthier foods.
Also, I know a lot of people believe they are too tired to exercise but actually exercise gives you more energy. Eating healthier foods gives you more energy and helps you feel better.
How do you do it? You just do. Start changing what you are doing now because it isn't working. Try cutting back on the high calorie stuff and start filling up on the lower calorie stuff. Start doing some exercise, doesn't matter how much at first, just do a few minutes.
We believe in you. Your ability to turn this problem around is there inside you. I know what you mean about shoveling it in....I was doing that. My goodness you should of seen me on Sundays. It was like a freak show with the way I would ppound down bags of jalapeno pretzels, ice cream and sub sandwiches....then look for what was for dinner.
I am by no means cured. I could still binge and eat it all if I let my mind go. It really is a mental game for us. I know as much as I read about this problem and what books say to do and not do.....I have this little voice in my head which just wants to scream at me and say..." Turn that cart down the snacks and cookie isle...mmmmmmm...you can get just one little bag." It scares me sometimes how real it feels and how I can just throw caution to the wind and not even realize what I am doing! Addiction sucks......
Get you mind set going. Use a long walk to help you think it through. I know you have kids and lots of other commitments but truly try to get at least 30 minutes to yourself to walk and think it through.
Like Rakel said....it does not have to happen all at once. You can do it in steps. Just start with walking once a day or every other day.....then later do calories. Just take a step. I bet one step will feel great! You will feel like you have a little more control. Another step...a little more control etc etc.
We all are behind you Linda. Remember there is no way to go but from what we feel is rock bottom.
You are great friend here and always support us....now we support you!!
"I spent so many years waiting for the click. It came to me, not like a lightning bolt like I always expected, but more like a dawning realization - my "click" was the cumulative effort of a lot of different emotions and experiences. And it didn't come when my worries were indulgent and focused on a smaller size - it came when life got too hard and almost scary in a way. When living this way - with the worry, the pain, the fear - finally became harder than the effort I imagined I'd have to expend to change."
WOW. I've never seen it stated better than this. This is exactly what happened with me.
I'm sorry your having a tough time. I am not very good at comforting people, but I can say that I can relate to what you are saying, believe me. I have only lost 30 lbs with a million to go, but when I first started coming on here I was I believe at my rock bottom. My original sign on name was "SadNFat". Because that is what I was. But even though my progress has been very slow, I feel so much better now knowing that I can change my life, with effort. I felt like I was stuck............with no way out. But you're not stuck. You will come to a point where you want to change your life more than you want to keep eating off plan.
I hope you aren't too hard on yourself...........you are not alone out there. I hope you have some better days ahead. You can change your life.....you can! You really can......look at all the before and after stories here, especially RockinRobin. She is so inspirational. Take care....and keep coming back here..........please.
"I spent so many years waiting for the click. It came to me, not like a lightning bolt like I always expected, but more like a dawning realization - my "click" was the cumulative effort of a lot of different emotions and experiences. And it didn't come when my worries were indulgent and focused on a smaller size - it came when life got too hard and almost scary in a way. When living this way - with the worry, the pain, the fear - finally became harder than the effort I imagined I'd have to expend to change."
WOW. I've never seen it stated better than this. This is exactly what happened with me.
I agree, that is perfectly stated. Eventually it just became too hard mentally to be as heavy as I was.
Make some changes, big or small, and your body will react and thank you for it. For me, anyway, the getting started really was the hardest part. We can all do this; it's not rocket science it's just trying to make the best choices for our bodies that we can. We're all here for you and I'll bet that cute guy in your avatar will be there too.
I really shouldn't give any advise at this time because I'm right there with you, but I will say that I know that you have it in you to do it! Just keep trying - even if you're not perfect all the time or even most of the time, each little good choice you make will make a difference.
I always thought that I wanted to be healthy, fit and trim. But looking back I realized I hadn't wanted it badly enough. That's what it boils down to - just how badly you want it. And then of course you have to want it badly enough, that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get you there. And when you're at that point, and only then, can weight loss occur. When I got to that point (finally), the high calorie/ high quantity food didn't matter any more. I was ready to give it up. The only thing that mattered was getting myself healthy, active, productive and essentially - back in the game of life.
You not only have to want to be thin, you have to be willing to do the work involved to get and stay there. And you know what, you CAN do it. It IS possible. You ARE capable of it. Just know that, take confidence in it and when you're ready, you will be able to lose the weight. I know it for sure. I only wish I had known it earlier.
Last edited by rockinrobin; 10-30-2007 at 09:42 PM.
I think many of us have felt the same way. I remember wondering how a smart woman could be so dumb about weight -- to get to nearly 300 pounds. You aren't alone in this.
Addiction is hard, no matter whether it's food, cigarettes, or drugs.
I know it's hard, because I've spent the last 6 years struggling with a cocaine addiction. I went to rehab the first time when I was 13 years old, and even though I haven't used since I was 17, I still, and always will, consider myself an addict, just because the compulsion is there.
The urge never goes away, I don't think; the will to overcome it just gets stronger. You can do this. You absolutely CAN do this. All of us are here for you when it gets hard, just like we know there will be others here for us when we're struggling.
Sometimes it takes getting closer to the bottom to realize that we're strong enough to pull ourselves back up again.
Oh Linda,
You are so beautiful and compassionate. You have this way of making others feel good and taking care of other people. Please know that you are worthy of care. You are worthy of health. You are worthy of effort.
Sometimes it can be frightening....like standing on a cliff looking over the rest of our lives. Overwhelming, you know. When I feel overwhelmed by the effort and daily decisions that stretch into forever, I try to focus a little closer to the moment.
Sometimes I can't even plan past lunch. So plan lunch today. One meal, one day at a time. I know it's cliche, but that's because it is true.
Focus on today. Tomorrow, repeat today's efforts. Your body is beautiful and amazing. Your body will respond to your choices. It is eager to do so. I KNOW that you can find self-value deep inside of you. You deserve health and happiness. Claim it. Reach out and grasp it, one choice at a time.
Teetering on the edge of rock bottom/click....help me over???
You are great friend here and always support us....now we support you!! 
