What thoughts go through your mind when you binge?
 

Personally, I just think "this tastes good and I don't want to stop eating it." Often I will consciously try not to think about anything so as to keep guilt at bay. I fantasize about binging regularly, about just eating and eating and eating to the point where I can't physically eat any more, and then waiting for my stomach to produce room for more so I can keep eating. I have never allowed myself a truly epic binge like that - the worst I've had was going through a whole 250g jar of natural peanut butter in one night. I know deep down that even if I ordered and ate an entire large pizza or something, I wouldn't feel like it was enough.

There are also lots of justification-type thoughts centered around overeating and binging, like "I'm going to gain but I'll just lose it again" - which I do - and "I'm a perfectly healthy weight" - also true but everyone knows binging is unhealthy disordered behavior.

I rarely do terrible binges all in one sitting, but when I do binge or overeat it's:

> I'm within a healthy BMI, I'm fine.
> I shouldn't be eating this but I'm having a binge so I'll just have a few more bites and finish.
> (Purposefully pushing thoughts aside, focusing on the carnal pleasure of the food, averting thoughts instead on the tv show I'm watching or the conversation I'm having at the party)
> And yes, "This tastes so good, I'm going to have some more."

omg this is delicious - what else can I eat that gives me this same feeling of comfort and freedom - find something else to eat, and the cycle continues.

"idontcareidontcareidontcare" is also on a loop through my head..

It's the worst with sweets, yeah? I can't even enjoy dessert half the time because I am just thinking about where and how I can get more. The obvious solution is "don't eat sweets ever" but we'd all be stick-thin and this forum wouldn't exist if it were that easy.

It's salty carbs for me. Tortilla chips with melted cheese, giant pork buns, tortilla wraps with melted cheese & egg...

TBH, on a real binge I don't have many thoughts at all beyond a kind of desperate urge for the next, and the next, and the next thing. :(

It's almost panic for me. I can't really describe it... but it's definitely out of control thinking. Like you said. I just want to stuff the feeling until it's gone. It makes me feel ill to think about right now. I haven't let myself go to that place in a long time. I hate it!

Yum! This is so good... I'm gonna have to work out extra after I'm done... lol.. I don't really binge though.. Sometimes I will have a piece of cake.

I think mostly what goes through my head is nothing, if that makes sense. I find day to day i have a lot of responsibilities, more than a lot of people my age have (Or very different ones at least) And usually I have so much stuff running through my mind, along with daydreaming about food, worrying about weight, obsessing over calories, wondering how I can lose more weight.

Binging is so 'liberating', to just not care for a while, because I find everything just goes away for that time. But it only lasts for the 15 mins or so, longer if I purge. I think that's what makes it addictive to me.

I am thinking, "OK, you have to eat all this food really fast so your brain doesn't catch up to how full your stomach really is. After all, you love this food and paid a lot of money for it and you are going to only do this ONE MORE TIME so you might as well make it worth your wile".

Immediately after I feel ashamed and swallow down 6 exlax with my chocolate shake. My binges were always planned for when I didn't have to work the next day.

I tell myself that it really isn't so bad. I tell myself that a few more bites won't really matter. I tell myself that I want the food more than I currently care about the way I feel or look--which a complete and total lie.

I binged this week on chocolate covered peanuts. At first I looked at them and thought "just leave them alone". Which I've done many times in the past. Then because I was off plan this weekend I thought I'll just have one handful. I was thinking well I already screwed up so a little more won't matter. I had been strictly on plan since January 1st. After one handful it was those are so good "ll just have a couple more... and more... and more... Then it was... I might as well finish them off so I won't be tempted.

Then someone refilled the bowl and I had two more handfuls on my way out of the building hoping no one saw me. I'd have to say I didn't take any while people were watching. Afterwards and I guess during I felt guilty about my lack of self control. I had some the next day too but fortunantly my clients polished them off during the group breaks. Now I'm afraid to weigh tomorrow because I don't want to see a gain

Yep, this sounds like me. There is nothing going on in my head. It's just quiet. Like I'm spaced out and zoning. I even have a blank, empty stare going on as I binge. Sometimes I'd get the "you have to stop eating this" thought looping through my head over and over, but it never stopped me.

Mostly I justify - I usually don't eat sugar, it's ok this once, you might as well enjoy all of it, etc. It's getting easier, though because I'm making myself picture how I feel after a binge. (Also, recording EVERYTHING I eat helps, too) So yeah, I'm trying to picture how I feel afterwards and that helps me to stop.

When I binge, it's almost as though I just can't get enough. I can be full to the brim with food, and want more. Even when I am doing it, I want to stop, but it as almost as if I cannot make myself. My mother was the same way. It gets worse with sweets.

Oh, and another thing that runs through my head is -- "Thank god I live alone and the only eyes on me right now are my cats". I typically binge in bed and my dresser mirror is directly across from it. I put a pillow up to block my image staring back at me.

I often think about how much better I'll feel once my stomach is full. I want something NOW and can't stop thinking about the way it tastes and feels as I chew it.

Sometimes the binge "spell" isn't broken until I feel physically ill. Until that point it's just, "chewchew*gulp*chewchewchew"

A binge is a full day process for me. From whenever the binge starts until bedtime. I usually have a bedtime "snack" (usually with like twice as many calories as an on-plan meal) just to go out with a bang. And my thoughts through the day kind of progress in a predictable manner.

Starts out with justifications. "I've been so good lately." "I'm well within my maintenance range." "I'll just have one or a little..." "It's a party/social event/holiday/whatever, it's special!" "Everyone else is eating, it would be rude if I didn't." All of these justifications seem perfectly logical and legitimate at the time, but in one corner of my brain I absolutely know that they're silly justifications that will lead to a binge. But I let myself think happy thoughts and do it anyways.

Once it starts and I initiate the binge, I get the "Well crap, I blew it. Today is a binge day, it can't be recovered. Might as well enjoy it." For the rest of the day I'm anxious, fidgety, desperate, crazed, panicky, out of control, and I can't think about anything else other than what I can eat. How I can eat it without being seen. What's in the pantry or fridge. How to be quiet about opening packages. What excuses to make to go to the store. Whatever the situation is. Even if I'm alone, all I can think about is shovelling as much food as I can into my mouth. Any and all food will do. I gravitate towards sweets, but I've had days where I eat sandwich after sandwich after sandwich just because that's what's in the kitchen. Sure, I like a sandwich, but I don't long for them and feel deprived of them. All I'm thinking about is getting more food.

Then I get the guilt and self-punishment kinda feelings. "Ugh, I screwed up so much today...I might as well shove more in my fat disgusting face even though I feel sick." I just marinate in self-loathing feelings while feeling physically sick and miserable. And yet I keep eating.

I wake up the next morning feeling thirsty, and like I had swallowed a ton of cement. And hating myself. I walk around miserable, force myself to look at the scale which compounds my misery. So I promise myself that I'll "make it right" and I'll just eat 500 calories today. Maybe tomorrow too......And so continues the binge/restrict pattern.

I'm happy to say that it's been nearly a month binge free though :)

I wanted to comment here on the binging but also see that krampus is listed from Fukuoka, Japan. So, I hope you're safe and finding all your loved ones are also safe. Many people are following Japan's updates with hope and gratitude for good news.

As far as the binging, I agree that "Idon'tcareIdon'tcare" runs through my mind. I am so much thinner than I've ever been in my life that I sometimes can't connect the binging and the weight link. I ate a billion sausages and home-made pancakes yesterday. I gave up meat (except the rare "bacon, lettuce tomatoe sub") four years ago. So, stuffing myself with food I haven't enjoyed for so long was a great joy. In my mind I think, "I haven't had this food in forever". But there are tons of foods that "I haven't had in forever" that I can binge all year--twice daily--on that theory.

When the after-binge guilt blows up, I've found myself purging. So, I'm forbidding myself the post-binge guilt and the permission to just let myself "turn over a new leaf" at that very moment (not waiting until tomorrow). I just don't ever want to purge food again.

Unfortunately I have spent the past few days binging - real big binges, things I'd never done before like eating a jar of frosting and actually buying 8 different things at a convenience store and then ordering a pizza just to have something savory. I noticed that I didn't really think about anything - it felt like a break from life, and I tried really hard to ignore that tight feeling in my midsection and dull sickness as I waddled into bed.

I guess I'd be interested in changing the thread topic to "how do you feel physically when binging?" I noticed after a couple days of binging on crunchy things/nuts that my jaw hurt from all the chewing, and the entire inside of my mouth feels super sensitive from huge amounts of sugar and sh!t.

After yesterday's binge on breakfast food, I was super stuffed and felt horrible for five hours afterwards. I drank lots of water after that to keep up the full feeling to avoid trying to eat something and continue the problem. When I started to want to eat again, I popped dry popcorn for the family. I did melt low-cal cheese on it--and had two helpings but then dashed off to brush my teeth to avoid a search for something else.

My tricks to avoid out of control behavior: brush teeth, drink tons of water, exercise, start doing something new that takes an hour or so, read in bed to fall asleep early.

I keep it simple but effective
 

I Don't Care...I Need it....I Want it

I get completely irrational when I am out of control and I just want to eat. Those words are all it takes.

When I am about to binge/binging, I find myself making light of the situation, "Oh, its fine... I am just giong to enjoy junk food like a normal person! I will NOt purge after, its ok! Its fine, go ahead..." Its like some voice inside telling me its fine :( "Doing it again is fine, you havent even gained weight from doing this" Ughh the mental battles we face..

This past week, while on vacation, my old binge feeling returned, even though it has been nascent for years. YEARS. Thankfully, I was able to calm myself down. But it left me shaken for a whole day afterward, even though I wasn't tempted any longer, just sort of amazed at what had so nearly happened. I've described myself here in many posts as in recovery, but this episode humbled me & made me truly believe that this may be a lifelong issue for me & I may be prone to it forever if conditions are right.

I was on vacation, eating in restaurants every night, which isn't a problem. I pick restaurants carefully to ensure that it won't be. But this time, having to think of a place to go quickly, I decided to return to one I'd already been to. I saw a regional dish that I'd considered trying: Steamed crab, shrimp, sausage, onions & red jacket potatoes. This includes two foods that I try to limit, which are sausage & potatoes. I decided to have it.

As soon as I started eating the sausage -- which I haven't had in ages -- it was so good that it seemed to set off something in my brain. Whatever it is, it's nearly inarticulate. It's like a baby's suckling instinct, I think. What went off was: "So good ... so good .... more ... more ... more ... "

I finished the dish, giving away a portion of the treacherous sausage to a dinner companion, and then sat there feeling strangely & dangerously overexcited, overstimulated & yes, invulnerable, like someone who suddenly thinks they can hit their car's accelerator really hard & FLY & that nothing bad will happen. My feelings were in an uproar. A dam seemed to have broken in me. I felt greedy & desirous. Why, if I'd enjoyed that regional food, the next thing I needed to do was stop in one of those candy shops & get pecan pralines. And pecan logs. And sugared pecans. Oh, and yes, look around for other stuff I might never get again.

I kept telling my dinner companions, "I know this is crazy, but I feel so guilty about eating that sausage." Mostly because I wanted them to reassure me that no, having smoked sausage at dinner for the first time in several years was not an irredeemable sin. But also I wanted them to tell me that I was indeed now in an irrational zone.

Confirmation requested; confirmation received. Half my rational mind returned, and it said, "This is a tipping point. You can get up from this dinner, pleased with the meal, and return to life as normal -- the new, healthier normal you've created. Or you can give in to this feeling, whatever it is, & start hunting down more overstimulating food like a madwoman & take yourself back to that ugly, dark, guilty, self-hating place you know so well."

I decided it wasn't worth it, but I was restless for the rest of the night. Had to have some herbal tea later. Even then, I was still wanting, wanting, wanting. What a relief to go to bed. Even more of a relief to wake up the next morning with my mind clear, having somehow rebooted or re-set in the night, and to return to eating with care.

But it was so close there.

This has answered one of the things I'd been idly wondering, whether I could deal with a weekly "treat" meal.

I can't. Sorry. Not now. And maybe never.

This thread is really hitting close to home for me. I've really been struggling lately as I'm trying to get some health issues in check: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/diet...ml#post3747304

When I do binge, I just think about what the next food I want to eat will be. I'm so focused on what I'm going to eat, I don't even focus on what I'm eating at that moment. I mean to start each day successfully, only to fall off the again by late afternoon. I just feel so ashamed and discouraged lately.

Since I've been able to lose the first 30+ pounds and maintain for about a year, I've allowed myself treats fairly often. It helps with cravings a lot. My last binge-type episode was the week before Christmas.

I read in the paper about a physician who recommends her patients allow themselves a 100-150 calorie treat every day. This sounds like a lot and would probably slow weight loss but it also may prevent binges for some people. It could also probably cause binges for some people... we all know ourselves better than anyone. For me, daily or every other day treats really keep me sane lol

I don't know if this will be helpful for anyone, I hope so.

I would always feel so depressed and hopeless when I was at my highest weight, overeating and over-drinking all the time. I think it's so important to try to address the reason we binge and try to overcome it.

At the beginning of reading this thread, for some reason, it made me really want to binge but I continued reading and I got comfort hearing how people pick themselves up after wards and not give up entirely.

Kaseyy, there's definitely something to be said for allowing yourself frequent treats. BUT, like you said, we all know ourselves better than anyone else. It's so important to figure out what works and what does work (or at least works the best, if it was so easy to figure out and do what works, none of us would be here, lol). For some, that's giving up their trigger foods entirely, others have to have very rare indulgences, others do well having frequent treats.

Personally, small treats are mental torture for me. Even if they're well within my calories and planned. 150 calories is a decent amount of chocolate, my weakness, so in theory, I'd be thrilled to plan in 150 calories of chocolate into my day. But unfortunately, 150 calories isn't neeeaaaarly enough to satisfy my desire for chocolate. Maybe 1,000-3,000 calories (no joke) over a day might satisfy my desire for chocolate for the day. So allowing myself a "tiny" taste of chocolate at all is either setting myself up for a binge or a miserable anxious desperate day of obsessively thinking about eating more chocolate and trying to maintain control. Quite frankly, it's easier and safer for me to just stay away from the chocolate. I do allow myself very isolated treats. It's my birthday next week, and you can bet that I'll have a piece of chocolate cake and not feel guilty about it. But my birthday only comes once a year.

Anyways, I'm in no way trying to refute the frequent small treats advice. For some people it's a life saver, and I'm so glad that it's working for you. For others (like me), having small frequent treats and then trying to limit myself to just that small treat for the day, is practically no better than fingernails on a chalkboard. Just goes to show how vastly different all of our approaches to this game are :)

mkendrick- It is funny how different people react to this, I get the trigger food thing too, chocolate is up there but pizza would probably be my worst, it's hard to have a reasonable amount but I usually still have some once a week, I just have to make sure to have a nice salad or other green with it and that keeps it balanced.

Happy early Birthday and enjoy that cake girl!! Calories do not count on your bday!

I eat whole pizzas, 2 boxes of girl scout cookies (I obsess over thin mints), whole gallons of ice cream and milk, a loaf of bread toasted. No purging. I held my weight in check mostly because I worked out like a demon, but as I get further into my 20s the weight piles on because of my binging. Stress reaction, definitely, but also b/c i enjoy the flavor of the food and my stomach seems to have acquired an extra large capacity over the years. I never really feel full.

That's me to the tee. it's not so bad, just a little bit more won't hurt. I don't care if I'm blowing my diet, this makes me not feel the bad emotion.

while I'm binging I always think of how many hours at the gym I'll be spending making all of the food I just ate up. In the moment I don't think about the guilt because the food is too good. However, the next morning is when I feel the guilt. Binging is why I no longer have a scale at my house.

With a few others here, absolutely nothing. i just know i FEEL different. it's pure euphoria, and like serendipity said it is an escape. i forget about how i messed up my speech, i forget about the fact that i can't get a job, i forget that it's so cold outside, i forget about how i want to look and feel for life and i just am so in the moment. and then after, usually at night i just think -_-

in fact today, i had pizza and wings with my boyfriend. we didn't even talk the whole time. and i just remember thinking how awesome the sauce on the pizza was. its frustrating that i had a fair amount of food and i didn't even feel full when i was done. so i technically didn't binge but it was still too much food.

sorry for the long vent but i have no one else to talk to

Just want to say... I thought of *this* thread last night when I grabbed a bag of baked chips and started nom nom noming. One single rational thought made its way to the front of my brain, squeezing past all the idontcareidontcarejustonemorejustonemores, simply a "What is going through your mind?" I took ONE deep breath and brought my brain back to rationalism, which told me to stop eating the chips. I did. Already did about 200 cals of damage, but it could have been worse.

So, thanks krampus for this thread. It helped me see the pattern of thought that happens to binging (basically, just chaos) and how to make myself aware of it and break it.

Indiblue, that is awesome. I'm going to try to remember that the next time I'm in that situation.

Lately for me it's just a broken record of "whateverwhateverwhateverwhatever" to drown out the rational voice telling me to stop. Literally, that voice saying 'whatever' over and over is trying to take up the space in my thoughts so the rational ones can't get through. It's awful. Today is day 3. I really hope I can recall this thread next time I'm challenged.

i don't try to justify it anymore (at least not logically). when i binge, i am usually thinking to myself how ****ty i feel right now mentally, and that i know the damage i am doing to myself physically, but dulling the pain/emotions/feelings with food is more important at this particular moment than the physical consequences.

I always tell myself I'm just going to have to make it up on the treadmill or at least I'm binging on 'healthy' snacks though I started telling myself that anything in excess stops being healthy when you're binging on it.

I don't think when I binge. I just keep going till I get sleepy then thats when the binge is over. I do it right before I go to sleep for the night. Sometimes I do it after 3 hours of sleep and still in a daze.

:( OMG!! I could've multi-quote several post as I can identify with so many of you. Sadly I just finished bingeing also binged yesterday and promised myself today would be better.

Anyway when I am in the midst of it my only thoughts are this is so good what else can I eat? My thoughts are actually numb by the taste of the food, then the guilt sets in and I start feeling depressed and asking myself what the **** is wrong with me? Why can't I stop bingeing?

Afterwards I feel horrible and depending if it was a huge binge I would physically be in pain. At times I have either taken laxatives, binge on sugar free chocolate (acts as a laxative), try to figure out if I am going to do zero carb to drop the water weight quickly or find another healthier plan. Then I go to sleep so I won't have to deal with the guilt/depression anymore.

Right now I am on the verge of tears because I feel like I have failed b/c I promised myself to have it together by the time Spring gets here and so far I'm not making it.

For a minute I was going to down some laxatives but honestly don't feel like the discomfort so I'm just going to take a shower, pray to God to give me the will power tomorrow and go to sleep.

Although I'm happy that I am not alone and feel better posting about it to those who truly understand, I really wish none of us had to go through this. My fear is that I will probably deal with this for the rest of my life.

That's exactly what I realized was happening to me, my mind was literally CRAMMED with numbness and nonsensical crap when I binge. I'm not even THINKING. Thanks to this thread, I became cognizant of that for the first time. Realizing the thought patterns which occur (or lack of them) is the first step towards reconfiguring them. And once I pushed that ONE simple question to the front of my brain during my binge- WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND (and I literally was visualization that thought squeezing its way through the muddled numbness/crammed together words and phrases) it became clear. I wasn't thinking. I started THINKING... just for 1-2 seconds.... and I put the bag down.

It was a pretty interesting and positive experience, to be honest. I hope it works for others. :hug:

all or nothing
 

hi all,
im sara all the way in nz. I started my weight loss journey in jan 2008 weighing 96.5kg at my heaviest. Lost 35kg eating up to my points then at a point my weight slowed down/stopped so someone suggested I stop eating carbs at night and sure enough it kicked started again. At the same time I got a chest infection and couldnt eat a thing and when I jumped on the scale again I had lost 2kg in a week just from not eatin so then it all began. I started restricting and only eating veges at night with 6 chicken nuggets. I went to the gym every day having sunday off. The weight came off and I got to 55kg. My goal kept changing to 55, 54, 53, 52. I got to 52kg but with struggle. With food fights, yet I ignored them. I was grumpy, irritable, *****y. you name it. I could go out socially, my hubby was frustrated with me. I ate the same thing everynight.

Drunk water, tea and coffee and one meal a day was my life.

I fell pregnant last year in March and even throughout preg I restricted and went to gym twice per day. Baby Jacob was and is fine, no growth restriction. I started on cililopram (antidepressent) and was seen by an eating disorder liason who told me my weight was healthy, bmi healthy, it was okay to eat veges and wishes she could and many people exercise that much. Well I came out feeling dismissed and determined to lose more weight to be taken seriously.

However for thepast month I have only been able to restrict maybe 3-4 days of the week and then I binge. Now I have been told that my binges are not really binges but are eating normally. Not to me, because I am not use to eting anything that goes in my mouth is a binge. I dont go straight to mcd's or whatever but I crave carbs, subway, will have 4 slices toast, eat pastries, chocolate. I will eat when I am full becasue I feel that the day after I have to restrict so I eat as much as I can as I cant have it 2mrw. For me it is a binge.

If I eat breakfast, even just 2 slices toast, thats it, I have eaten something that I dont normally have or do so that day is a write off. It is all or nothing.

I restricted for 5 days last week then come saturday I was good, went to do pump at gym but then my 5 yr old asked me to eat lunch with him, I couldnt say no to him, his face lit up when I said I would eat. but that was a write off. and knowing i dont exercise on a sunday i decided I would try to eat 3 meals per day but then my mind intervend and then it turned into eating spag bol for tea, choco, custard etc. Even today was a write off.

It seems I am having more binge days then restricting and I am not 54kg - well that was friday so goodness knows what I am now.

Look im sorry to go on and tell you what seems like my life story is
sara:(