I have a dark secret, my bulimia and occasional anorexia.
Which started around age 14/15. I had my ups and downs with weight where I'd be up to 190 then down to 140 and so on.
My binges could last hours, but my purges always longer. After 3/4 years with this problem I finally gave it a stop. For a good couple of months, where my weight went up to unimaginable proportions. During a trip to Europe (July-August 2009) I could not really binge, nor purge (I was staying with family) and my weight went up like crazy. Ever since, my weight has been impossible to get down. I've tried everything from diets to exercising, I even have a personal trainer. Sometimes to lose a couple pounds I'll stop eating, it works until I have to eat again.
I'm scared that without my bulimia I can't get down to a weight that I would prefer. I'm scared that if I do begin losing any weight I'm going to become obsessed with bulimia or begin not eating for long periods of time.
I only mean this in the kindest possible way, it may help to get some professional help for your eating disorder. I'm thinking that there may be a deeper or complex reason for your becoming bulimic/anorexic. At any rate, an ED is extremely hard to beat on your own, longterm.
I had a brief affair with bulimia and let me tell you something: it's dangerous. It's unhealthy. It's addictive and terrifying. You know these things, I'm sure, but you need to remember them on a daily basis. There is no number on the scale that is worth the damage you do to your body by bingeing and purging or starving yourself.
I agree, you do need professional help. I understand what you're saying about getting angry and being "worse", but I think that probably has more to do with the counselors you've seen or how your situation has been handled by professionals. If you still have the temptation, you need help. Your mindset isn't right to kick the habit. It's the same thing as me knowing that smoking causes numerous cancers, but being more afraid of gaining weight and being a complete witch if I quit...I'm not ready, my mind isn't right, and if I were to try to stop, I'd need some sort of help (whether it be chemical or whatever).
I'm not trying to be harsh, but until you are able to fully acknowledge that the health risks of bulimia far outweigh any temporary scale victories, you will not be able to quit. The fact of the matter is, bulimia is a very poor way to manage weight...you will gain and lose and feel sick, you will never be able to maintain that type of behavior to lose weight without seriously harming or killing yourself.
We're all here for support, but sometimes tough love is the best love there is.
I am a binge eater and exercise bulimic. Also, I can be anorexic at times. Trying to lose weight can trigger the bulimia, anorexia and binge eating very easily. I suggest you go to something-fishy.org for support. It's an eating disorder web site with lots of great support. I love 3 fat chicks, but something fishy is the place to go for eating issues.
As for my story, I went into eating disorder treatment 2 years ago and I have lost almost 50 pounds. And instead of bingeing every day for hours, I lapse about once or twice week. It's not perfect, but the progress is a miracle. The thing that I learned is that there are several ways to cope with these issues:
1) Plan of eating developed with the help of a nutritionist.
2) Some sort of individual or group therapy to deal with self-hatred, depression, obsessive thoughts, etc.
3) Support from other recovering people with eating disorders.
When I went to treatment, I hated a lot of what they said, but it makes sense now. And hanging out with 15 young women who were stick thin and said they were fat was a wake up call for me. This is a deadly disease.
In treatment, I was the fat girl among thin women, but I realized we were all coping with the same thing. And all of us became friends. It was pretty amazing.
If you think you don't need professional help, get angy when it is offered, and have these unhealthy and possibly deadly eating episodes, you really, really need a psychiatrist to help you stop and quit obsessing about your weight. I really mean this kindly, but I always remember Karen Carpenter dying from anoexia. Bulmia takes the enamel off your teeth. It isn't a secret, the dentist can tell and knows what causes it.
It isn't as if I'm keeping a secret from my family or dentist.
I think all are very aware of it.
I understand the dangers, and have not binged nor purged in a very long time.
All my worries are, as stated above, is the obsession coming back.
Either way, I was the one who stopped myself, not my therapist. I'm just trying to figure out a way to keep myself from being tempted to binge, which would lead me to a purge. ;/
But I understand you guys are caring and trying to help. I promise I won't hurt myself. :]
I've had anorexia and bulimia off and on for years, and I've struggled with compulsive overeating. My weight has cycled between 90 pounds and 200 pounds over the years and I've been in more treatment programs than I care to count (inpatient, outpatient, and residential.)
Anorexia is bad, and over time it can kill you. Everyone knows that.
What people don't seem to realise, though, is that bulimia can kill you, and kill you relatively quick. With the anorexia alone, my weight has dipped low, sure, but with the bulimia, whether or not my weight was insanely low, I was putting my heart at risk of stopping from low potassium. I was in and out of the medical hospital because of driving my potassium low through vomiting. I even had a heart attack when I was 23 (I'm 29 now.)
Bulimia is not a joke. I'm not advocating anorexia, but anorexics who solely restrict can go on for years and years in some sort of semblance of a life. Bulimia can drastically shorten your lifespan. I'm lucky to be alive. And, I'll let you in on a secret -- I still purge sometimes; much more often than I should. I'm terrified that my husband is going to come in one day and find me dead in the bathroom hanging over the toilet, and that isn't an exaggeration.
Reducing the amount of enamel on your teeth is the least of your worries with bulimia (though I had thousands of dollars worth of painful dental work done because of constant purging, and I'm still having trouble with my teeth to this day.)
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to PM me. I'm starting to question whether I can healthily lose weight at this point in my life.
It isn't as if I'm keeping a secret from my family or dentist.
I think all are very aware of it.
I understand the dangers, and have not binged nor purged in a very long time.
All my worries are, as stated above, is the obsession coming back.
Either way, I was the one who stopped myself, not my therapist. I'm just trying to figure out a way to keep myself from being tempted to binge, which would lead me to a purge. ;/
But I understand you guys are caring and trying to help. I promise I won't hurt myself. :]
Sorry -- I just now saw this post.
And, yep. For me, the obsession has come back. I started off at 3FC this last time intending to healthily lose weight. I thought I was in a place for that.
All I know now is that I'm feeling more an more sucked in, and that a lose-weight-at-all-costs mentality is taking over. That can't possibly be healthy, and yet I'm loath to seek counseling for it (had years of it; am sick of it).
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.
I appreciate your post as I too have had problems with bulimia. I have also been on the somethingfishy forum, but have found that the sites that focus entirely on eating disorders end up making me feel like I am focusing too much on it and thinking about it too much in a way that is not helpful for me. I would kind of like to see a subforum/thread on here geared towards bulimia and anorexia, but I guess individual posts works as well.
Like you said, I have been able to stop the purging on my own, and have gone for extended periods of time (years) without doing it. However, (for me) it is something that I have been dealing with for about 20 years overall.
I think that you were saying that you are not sure how well you are going to be able to lose/maintain weight in a normal and healthy way. I know I have been having problems with that. For a long time I thought it was just because I totally have screwed my body's metabolism up with being up and down on the scale so much. I had a lot of testing done this past year and did find out that I have "Metabolic Syndrome" and insulin resistance, which is actually what is making it so hard for me to lose weight.
In the last year I have really been trying to focus on EXERCISING instead of resorting to purging. In general, I never really "binged" in the way that many people with bulimia describe. It is more like I would overeat, or just eat something that I felt guilty for having. (like a piece of cake or an ice-cream Sunday for example). I have also been going to counseling for about a year. At first I was also attending a support group for people with eating disorders, and I found that it was making me obsess much more about what I was eating and just always thinking about it. The counseling with my individual counselor has been focusing on some of the issues that I may have that go along with the problem. Since I have insurance right now that covers it, I am finding it worthwhile.
Again, I do thank you for posting here. You can also contact me privately if you would like. I hope others will also respond to this thread. Some other online sources that "may" be of help are:
I was bulimic over 35 years ago, didn't know it was a disorder, just thought I had found a nifty way to lose weight. Off and on after that, even after learning of the health effects, then saw that movie about Karen Carpenter dying young because of the bulimia, haven't done it since, too scared, but was playing with the idea just a couple of weeks ago, and found this site.
On-Again, Off-Again Bulimic
