I just wonder if I will always struggle this much. I know that people recover from all kinds of addictions, but do they just learn to replace old habits with new ones and ignore the desire that still remains? And if so, how does one do that?

I really realized last night that I have a bad problem. I have binged…and purged for two nights in a row now. Doesn’t sound like very many days, but it’s new for me and I can see this turning into an eating disorder. I just feel so desperate to at least maintain my weight since my loss seems to be erratic now. But as desperate as I feel to lose weight, I feel more desperate to stuff my face.

Last night, the plan was to go home and have a slim fast. I actually enjoy the taste of slim fast and have used them successfully before, so I thought I’d be fine. I ate super healthily all throughout the day, drank tons of water, took the stairs, was totally OP. And then, for no reason, I binged. I was not hungry, I wasn’t even particularly bored (in fact, I neglected things I needed to be doing in order to binge and then purge afterwards). I could have distracted myself or gone outside or just not eaten…but I didn’t. And I don’t know why. I ate a huge amount of random foods in a small amount of time and then had to purge.

I used to be disgusted by bulimia if we’re being honest. It grossed me out and I couldn’t relate to that mentality. Now, the mentality has consumed me. Before, when I would binge, I would cry and go to bed and beat myself up. Now, when I am considering a binge, I think to myself, “Well, I can just throw up and then it will be like it never happened. I can eat whatever I want and then poof…gone.” That’s so dangerous. That is not okay and I know it. It scares me that my brain seems to be on the fast track to developing an eating disorder. I know better…I am smart and capable. I have lost considerable weight without doing this, why now?

And why can’t I just say no? The food I ate last night was not amazing or orgasmic or even remotely worth the damage I did to my health and my mind. I can understand giving in to the temptation of favorite foods…but I gorged on my son’s gummies, string cheese, keebler cookies, mini oreos and kool-aid…that’s not exactly a feast fit for a king.

Sometimes I have all the self control in the world and sometimes I am so weak it terrifies me. Will I always have such an f-ed up relationship with food? Will I never be able to shrug it off and walk away?

(It was hard for me to admit what I’ve been doing here. Please don’t judge. And any recommendations for books or tips for overcoming this would be greatly, greatly appreciated. And yes, I also know that I cannot seek medical advice here. I am looking for friendship...support, regular woman to woman advice.)

Also...has anyone ever binged and purged and NOT developed bulimia? Is it something that regular people ever do sort of as...maintenance????

Binging and purging *is* bulimia, Sweetie. Do you have health insurance? Please make an appointment asap to see your general practitioner and a psychologist/counselor if possible.

Maybe you should not worry so much! If that is you in your pic we are built the same. I'm 5 8 almost and weighed in today at 176. Your goal weight is just four lbs away and very reasonable!!! 1-2 nights a week of feasting should not cause you to spiral out of control. My prior diet I wanted to be as lean as possible. But honestly my boobs and *** deflated and just hung beginning lower than 150.... It was only at less than 150 I'd seriously have to worry if I binged. They are much nicer between 145-165 lbs...and I can eat how I want some days, exercise and watch it other days. I just stopped exercising and ate Reese's and ate whatever as I felt to gain weight back. The lack of exercise was critical in this! You will be okay! PM me is you'd like my yahoo IM!

She only did it twice.

Yes, you are working on developing full-blown bulimia if you aren't there already; no, this is not something that "normal" people do, it's a mental health disorder; yes, please seek competent treatment ASAP because this is a life-threatening issue.

Please know that I am not judging you. I am a sugar addict myself, but I am sober from my addiction. I have only sympathy and empathy for what you are going for. But please DO GET HELP. You've been brave to be honest here, now get honest with someone in real life who can help you on a day-to-day basis.

It doesn't matter that it was "just two times". Your words speak volumes and you already have your answers. You need to find some help, love. You need to find healthy ways to support yourself and your goals. Stuffing yourself with sugar, and vomitting it back up is not okay, and doesn't make the deeper issues go away. And it is certainly not a way to maintain anything. It's not maintaining a healthy body, or a healthy mind.

Please, please start making calls to find a counselor. Like, right now. Please do this.

I've had an eating disorder. This was over 10 years ago. Mine came about after I lost a great deal of weight, like about 80 pounds -- in the beginning, in a very healthy & even moderate way. But I didn't seem to know how to put the brakes on my weight loss effort. Losing more weight became the only solution I seemed to know, once my life did not become "perfect" just because I'd hit my goal weight. (So I kept moving the goal posts -- and because of the messed-up body image, I really didn't see how gaunt I was getting. Not even in photographs!)

I found my counselor through my job's anonymous HELP people counseling program. What a relief, to finally sit in the waiting room, knowing I was doing something about what I suspected - despite my denial & inability to perceive my body accurately -- was a serious problem. If it hadn't been a serious problem, I know my wonderful counselor would have let me go. But she recognized from my story & my dissolving in tears in her office just what a bad place I was in.

Yes, you can work through this & get to a healthier place with eating.

I am by no means a qualified mental health professional or medical doctor, but I can tell you in general terms that bingeing sometimes arises as a subconscious rebellion against overrestriction. In my case, I went from overeating to restricting my eating to a healthy level to overrestriction to a brief bout with anorexia & then into bingeing. I "purged" by overexercising. (That had not been widely recognized in the media yet as a form of bulimia.) And then, after throwing up just once, I realized then that I fit the description of an eating disorder & that I could not do this by positive thinking & willpower, that I needed to call in a professional.

If any of what I am telling you sounds at all familiar --which is why I am sharing a time in my life I am not proud of & still fear reverting to -- please seek out some real-world help. There really is help. Yes, you can regain a more normal relationship with food & stop thinking about it endlessly.

thanks for sharing. I hope you get the proper help that you need. You are too blessed to treat your body that way.

ok, i have binged, and purged and not developed bulimia. If that makes you feel better, I've done it maybe like 4 times in my life, in the past 10 years. But i have only done it because i felt full to the point of being ill and i cant stand that feeling.

That being said, while it is possible to not develop an eating disorder, its still a road to be avoided at all costs. I may not have developed bulimia, but i do have some serious eating issues, bouts of anorexia, or more accurately ednos, because I've never been an unhealthy weight. I would just say stay as far away from that behavior as possible, continue with your healtyh eating habits and you'll get where you need to be.

It sounds like you have any eating disorder of some sort. Not because you purged twice, but because it seems like you may have a pattern of overeating, dieting, and then losing control. It sounds like your eating issue is escalating.

I have binge eating disorder and I'd try to purge with overexercising. It's a losing battle to try to keep the binges going and lose weight simultaneously.

For a while, I thought that if I purged, I could keep binge eating. So I would exercise for hours. I lost weight for awhile, but I crashed and gained it all back. And my eating disorder worsened and my binges became grotesque in proportion.

I think you need to have a consultation with someone. There are many professionals that can help including psychologists, social workers, nutritionists, and psychiatrists.

I got professional help at a famous eating disorder clinic & I was the only binge eater there among bulimics and anorexics. I realized we all had the same problem, but it manifested differently. They took my insurance so it wasn't expensive for me.

I wish I could say a miracle happened for all of us at the center, but two years later a lot of us are better. A couple of the girls are still cycling in and out of treatment, but I hope they get it before they die.

As for me, I am so, so, so much better. While I'm happy that I am losing weight now, I actually am more pleased about the freedom I have from food obsession. It is a miracle. I am so much happier. And I don't have to deal with the shame of buying tons of food & scarfing it down in a darkened room.

Good luck and keep posting.

P.S. you might want to check out www.somethingfishy.org - it's a great eating disorder site with a treatment finder & discussion boards.

Thanks for sharing. I applaud you for your honesty (with us and with yourself).

I have two things to add to the above... something that has been shown to be effective in deterring people from bingeing and purging is learning this: solid research has been done that shows that when you purge, you only expel 1/3 of the calories. Even if you purge immediately after the binge, you will still consume 2/3 of the calories. Many people find it very helpful to change the mentality that "if I purge, then it will be like it never happened."

The second thing I wanted to add is that I recommend calling 1-800-LIFENET if you're interested in finding a therapist. They have great referrals.

I wish you all the best.

I agree with checking into a counsler to talk about the mental/emotional setbacks that you are dealing with.

I am compulsive overeater, always been heavy and overeating is a huge issue for me. I wish my mental health office provide a therapist on my food addiction. I had brought Geneen Roth books...and some other self help books on overeating...but never quite understand it well than talking to a real life person.

Back in 99, I was on the slim fast plan and had lost over 100 Lbs...but gotten sick mentally, was not mentally prepeare of my shape and binged on boxes of cakes..and cause me an mental illness..I don't purge. I always use the bathroom and doing number 2.

When I read your post..I feel your pain and wishing you all the best...and get proper treatment.

I also tried to keep a emotions journal on the main reason I binged on sweets..sugar and sweets are my weakness.

Be well sweetie.

I was thinking about your post more & I would like to bet you a $1 that your dieting plan is probably bordering on anorexic. How many calories are you consuming per day?

I'm guessing that you are not eating enough calories & that is triggering the binge behavior. And the binge behavior is triggering the urge to purge.

You might be developing a diet created eating disorder. If you aren't consuming enough calories, try eating more. It might help.

I was thinking that too. With my new diet, I have to be so careful when I cut calories because I get crazy with it. I'll start okay, like 1,200 and suddenly I'm angry if I go over 600 calories. I'll do it for a couple weeks, and suddenly be STARVING and eat a lot. I get so full it gets caught in my throat and I'd barf.
You only did it twice, but your worrying over it and being scared you might keep doing it, shows that you need to get some help. The fact that you feel like you can eat and get rid of it later may show that you'll be okay with purging after awhile.
Get some help, go to your doctor and let them know what is going on.

I was thinking about my post a lot last night and I have some things to add:

1) I’ve done it more than twice. I did it for the first time a few months ago and didn’t care for it. But then I did it again, anyway. I’ve probably done it four times before this week.

2) I did it again last night. And I developed a new trick, I guess you’d say. I had been sticking my fingers down my throat, but last night…I used a tooth brush and it really increased the amount that I threw up (I know that is so gross…believe me). It scares me that I’ve developed a skill for this. And it scares me that I’ve done it three times this week now.

3) As for my eating plan…I really do think I eat enough. Actually, to some people on this site, I might actually eat too much. I eat pretty much every two hours…lots of fruits and veggies and other healthy snacks. I think I get a good balance in my diet. I really don’t think that this is a result of over restriction…I wish it was though because I think I would be capable of adding more calories to my diet. As it is, sometimes I eat too much healthy stuff before I even go home and binge. I usually eat somewhere between 1100 and 1400 calories a day, which I think is plenty. There have been times that I’ve gone as low as 1000 but that’s so rare, especially now.

The sad thing is that it is not easy for me to make myself throw up, from a physical standpoint. I guess I always thought that a bulimic person could just shove her fingers down her throat and in one big heave, get rid of everything she had just consumed. For me, it takes a lot of time, there is a lot of dry heaving and sweat and it’s just miserable. Is it worth it? Not at all. I could stop throwing up…if I could stop bingeing. If I could figure out why I binge, maybe I could kick this habit. Yesterday was another full day of healthy eating, water drinking, taking the stairs and working out…and then stuffing my face and purging.

For some reason I am more susceptible to bingeing at home. So tonight, the plan is that I will work out at the gym and stay away from home for a while, then come home, drink my slim fast and go to bed. Maybe if I get one day without bingeing under my belt, I can get over this and get out of this cycle.

Thank you so much for all your responses and support. I really was nervous to post that…I didn’t know the reaction I would get. I haven’t seen many other people admitting to still doing it currently and I know it’s wrong and I am ashamed. I really appreciate all the insight and everyone being willing to share with me in return.