Chicks in Control Overeating? Binging? Share uplifting support and gain control!

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Old 04-07-2010, 12:29 PM   #1  
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Default Inconsistency and Blame (Long Rant!)

I have a rant to go on about my mother. I love her, but she's driving me nuts. She has had weight issues all her life as well (so has my maternal grandmother...are we sensing a pattern?) and is constantly on and off WW. She even used to make me do WW with her when I was in high school (although the other night she said I wasn't fat in high school and only got fat when I was on my own in college. This was after she said that having junk food around 24/7 didn't make a difference on mine and my brother's eating habits..hmm...so if I wasn't fat in high school -- and I was! -- why did she make me do WW?)

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, she realized she was gaining weight again (she's gone up and down the same 30lbs for as long as I can remember) and re-joined WW and asked if I want to go. Now, I lost all my weight doing WW, but never actually joined or went to meetings. I was able to hold myself accountable because seeing my progress kept me excited and motivated. But, once I got the majority of the weight off, I started to slack and ever since I hit my goal last August, I started binging again and haven't been able to hold myself accountable, and regained about 25lbs. So, I thought, "Yeah, I'll go the meetings, I really need accountability!" My mom though was like, "I'm only going to go for a few weeks to get these few pounds off, then I'll be okay again." (Because that's clearly worked for her in the past.) I, however, have discovered that I really like the meetings and that accountability (clearly it's helping...I haven't binged in two weeks and actually, my urge to binge is greatly reduced!)

For a week, we both did really well. My mom was excited to make healthy meals and work out with me and it was really good. Then my grandma came to visit. My grandma loves to cook, bake, and go out to eat. The first few days of her visit, she cooked dinners out of my WW cookbooks. However, she got tired of that and want to make "regular" food for my brothers (who eat fast food constantly anyway, so they could stand to eat some healthy meals).

Ever since my grandma stopped cooking using the WW cookbooks, my mom has thrown the healthy eating out the window again. I have not, I've tried really freaking hard and I'm seeing results even though we've been out to eat twice this week and my grandma has been baking up a storm. In fact, yesterday, she made chocolate chips cookies while my mom and I were sitting there eating my lunch. At one point, my grandma said she needed someone to try a cookie to make sure they'd been cooked long enough. My mom looked at me like I was obligated to try it! I said I'll have one later, for a snack, and my mom rolled her eyes at me and said, "I guess I'll have to try it then!" ARG! No, she didn't have to try one, but why did she feel the need to make me feel guilty for not "helping" my grandmother. Whatever.

Back to my point (it's here somewhere, I promise!) A few days ago, my mom said she wanted to make chili. I have a recipe for low fat chili (lots of beans and veggies, no meat) and asked why don't we make that version. She replied she wasn't going to eat or serve meat-less chili, so I said fine, I'll just have something else that night. My grandma though, offered to make my version just for me. I was really excited and took her up on it. She made it this morning and it tastes really good and I said so. My mom, who realized this morning that tomorrow is weigh-in day and she'll probably be up, said "Are you going to keep that all to yourself?" I said uhm...YES!! She totally turned her nose up at it few days ago before she threw the healthy eating out the window and now she realizes it might not be smart to have her high fat chili the night before our meeting. I'm sorry, maybe it's petty and selfish of me, but I am just so frustrated with her! She isn't consistent and it's all just lip-service when it comes to weight-loss and making a healthy lifestyle commitment. I'm getting really tired of it!

I posted awhile back about all the sweets and junk food we constantly have sitting out and someone suggested to get a lockbox to put the stuff in. I don't think my family would do that, but I didn't think it was unreasonable to request to move the gigantic cookie jar from the counter to the pantry where I don't have to see it. My mom refused and said I have to get "used to temptation" We have had this fight so many times. I know I can't make people change their eating habits and I can't force my eating habits on someone else. But, I'm so tired of the inconsistency! One day she's all about the healthy meals we should try and make and the next she's filling the cookie jar and asking my Dad for McDonald's gift cards!

I mean, she's been doing this my whole life too! Is it unreasonable to think that my poor relationship with food is in some part due to her inconsistency while I was growing up?? Or do I only have myself to blame? The majority of the time, I do place the blame for my binge-eating solely on me...if only I were stronger, if only I had more will power, if only I could practice what I preach... But I wasn't taught to eat healthy growing up. I got pizza rolls and fast food and we never ran out of cookies or chips but would go without fresh fruit for weeks at a time. I was taught to go on diets though.

What do you all think? Can we only blame ourselves, regardless of the food we were given while growing up? Is there no one at all to blame? I don't want to blame anyone BUT myself because I feel like it's a cop-out. But, I've been reading a lot of books about emotional eating and a lot of them talk about how our relationship with food growing up affects our relationship with food now.

If you made it all the way through, thanks! I'm interested to hear what others have to say!
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:01 PM   #2  
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Long story short, yes we are responsible for the choices we make. When you're too young and don't understand much, there's nothing you can do. Once you've reached the age where you understand the fundamental - fast food is *generally* bad for you, fruit is good, veggies are good, etc. that's when the choices fall on you.

As a side note on the topic of your mom... If you know this is how she is and how she's always been, it should make it easier to just accept it. She is how she is and you can't change her. The person you can change, is you.
Best of luck in your efforts!

Last edited by stargzr; 04-07-2010 at 01:01 PM.
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:23 PM   #3  
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You can only go so far in blame. I mean my relationship with food was partly due to how I was raised BUT at the same time my parents overall made healthy food for us. As we got older it seemed they slacked off- a lot was due to little education and the cost of fast food being so low.

Once you are an adult it's time to educate yourself (as you have done). But if someone were to just say "I was raised this way" and never do anything about it- then I blame them. I get so tired of hearing "my family is fat so I'll be fat" as they eat 3 pieces of KFC chicken with all the sides. That's such bull... Most of us aren't predestined to be fat! Heck I have PCOS and weight gain is so easy for me- but with my hard work and educating myself and refusing to let the fat win I've started going down in weight- sure it's been slow for me but those pounds will NEVER RETURN!
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:29 PM   #4  
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Sounds like it's time to move out.

If you can't do that, then it's time to start acting like you've moved out: Plan for yourself, shop for yourself, cook for yourself.

It really doesn't matter what your family "did" to you when you were younger. You are an adult and you are responsible for your own choices and decisions and actions. While it may be comforting to try to figure out whose fault it is that you're fat / eating poorly / not exercising / whatever, it's not actually very useful. The only thing that will move you forward is changing what you are doing, right now.
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:39 PM   #5  
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As frustrating as it is to live with housemates who have poor eating habits... they aren't your habits and they aren't in charge of your food.

So what if these housemates are your family who USED to be in charge of your food? So what if they eat whatever it is they eat now?

Look back only long enough to learn what not to do any more and then start moving forward as best you can. Don't get stuck in the past.

Your mom may simply not be ready to do this for real -- what does that have to do with your being ready? She is her, you are you.

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Old 04-07-2010, 01:44 PM   #6  
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I agree with the others. As a younger child, our parents do teach us about food and exercise (whether it's good or bad). So, that becomes our habits and routine. As soon as we are teens, I think we know what is good and what is bad to eat, and therefore now becomes our responsibility to "re-teach" ourselves to eat healthy and exercise.

Part of this is learning how to deal with temptation and having others push high calorie food in our faces. It's up to us to have the self control now. I think you are doing that by telling your mom and grandmother "no" and standing your ground. Temptations are everywhere, so we have to cope with it.

Is there any way you can talk to you mom about how this is making you feel? Can you perhaps sneak some low fat cookies in the cookie jar to see if they'll notice?

In the end, I would just be concerned with yourself, you can't force your mom to change. IF this is her routine, and if it's making her miserable, that is something that she will have to cope with on her own. You can just be a role model for her.

Good luck!
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:46 PM   #7  
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How come being fat/overeating is the one thing that we can't say our bringing up had something to do with? How come it's all on us? When someone grows up in an abusive home and in turn becomes abusive (or abused) the way they were raised is always mentioned when discussing how they became the way they are. What about gender roles and nature vs. nurture? If you're a girl, but your parents raise you as a boy (for example) when you're older yes, you can make the choice to live either as a boy or a girl or whatever you like, but how you were raised has a huge impact on what decision you make and more importantly HOW you make that decision.

My weight and eating issues are mine completely, I own them, I'm an adult and I could make the decisions to correct the behaviors that are problematic. But the way I was brought up has hindered me. I was never taught to deal with issues in a way other than eating. I was bombarded with negativity about heavier female bodies and constant desire to be thin without having to work for it and was included in my family's quests for the magic cure to fatness. Now as I'm older, I'm having to learn all the right things for myself. But it's hard, and it would be so much easier just to continue in the way I was brought up rather than forging a new path and changing decades of habit. Does any of that make sense? So I don't think it's far fetched to place some of the "blame" (although I don't like that word) on your mother/upbringing. But I do think you need to cut her out of your weight loss efforts, she's not going to help you any.

BTW, a new study shows that the foods that kids eat/are exposed to for the first 5 years of their life set them up for the way they will eat for the rest of their life. Interesting, huh?
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:46 PM   #8  
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Stargzr...you're right, I think I want for my mom to change because it'll make it easier for me. But I should just learn to accept her for how she is, even if it makes me frustrated sometimes.

WarMaiden -- I know it's high past time to move out. And I want to, but I'm in grad school and have endless loans, so I'm here for another 6 months. Which I am very, very, very grateful that my parents let me live at home, I know I'm lucky. That said, I do plan, shop, and cook for myself. I've taken to labeling my food though because it disappears (hmmm...wonder where it goes??). I don't want you to think that I do blame my family, because I really don't (although my post may make it seem otherwise)...thoughts about how it all started just pop up sometimes. I know placing blame isn't helpful, I guess I just needed to vent! I love my family and I hope I didn't come across as witchy (with a b!) and ungrateful because they do a lot for me and support me in ways NOT related to eating/food.

Latchkey -- You make a good point that I didn't consider. We are so quick to place some of the "cause" of other problems on the home environment, but for some reason eating habits and behaviors are so personal that the thought of "blaming" (I agree with you too there, I don't like that word!) someone or something else seems wrong. But about cutting my mother out of my weight loss reminds me of Biggest Loser last night. Jillian was talking to one of the contestants about how enmeshed she is with her Dad and how that's not helping her. When it comes to weight loss, me and my mom are totally enmeshed. It's been a source of bonding for us since....forever. Take that away...and I'm not sure what kind of relationship we'd have (which I'm thinking now is kind of sad).

Thanks for the comments and advice everyone..it really is helpful!

Last edited by foxxy511; 04-07-2010 at 01:54 PM.
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:54 PM   #9  
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it is like i wrote this!!! i can completely understand, sympathize and agree with what you have both said! this has been a major battle in my life too and 'accepting it' has been hard for me... even as recently at my last binge in Dec... i will overcome and accept it and so can you

good for you for ranting here... and for standing up to her... and now, i agree, try to accept her! big hugs!
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Old 04-07-2010, 01:59 PM   #10  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foxxy511 View Post
I don't want you to think that I do blame my family, because I really don't (although my post may make it seem otherwise)...thoughts about how it all started just pop up sometimes. I know placing blame isn't helpful, I guess I just needed to vent! I love my family and I hope I didn't come across as witchy (with a b!) and ungrateful because they do a lot for me and support me in ways NOT related to eating/food.
Don't get me wrong--I don't think that your family (especially your mom) are NOT being misguided jerks about their own health issues, and yours. It sounds like they are not respectful of your choices and they have some of their own parent-child-family separation issues they need to work through.

But I recall very clearly how one time when I went to a therapist provided by my university because I wanted to work on my eating issues, and what she wanted to do was to explore all my family of origin crap...quite frankly, it didn't help me. At all. The only things that have ever truly helped me are totally owning my choices about food and other habits; creating ongoing positive changes in my choices and habits; and understanding the physiological issues related to food for me (sugar addiction).

While I think it's interesting to explore family of origin stuff and to see the connections between how we think / feel / act presently and what happened in our childhoods, I don't think it's very useful in creating positive change.

I think the same is true in marriage: While it may be interesting to explore which spouse is "to blame" for a particular portion of problems with money / sex / children / housework, it's not very useful in discovering workable solutions to those problems and creating new patterns in the relationship.
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Old 04-07-2010, 02:31 PM   #11  
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You're totally right WarMaiden...very interesting to explore, but seeing as how it all happened in the past (and I don't own a DeLorean, haha), I can't really change it. And I am old enough to make my own changes and choices. It's funny, at our WW meeting last week, my mom was joking about how long she'd been in it and how my grandma was doing it back in the 60s and 70s, and how I'm just another generation in it and our leader said, "Well hopefully what you're learning now means we won't have to see a future generation!" She meant it positively, but I think my mom took offense. I totally agreed with our leader however. The changes I'm making for myself now will hopefully benefit my future children. It's all about making those ongoing, positive changes like you said!
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Old 04-07-2010, 02:59 PM   #12  
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Blame goes nowhere. If you can blame your mother, she can blame hers. Grandma can blame her mom, and Great grandma can blame great-great-grandma.

It only ends when you own your own choices. It helps to know what influenced the choices (societal sterotypes, family tradition....), but ultimately it boils down to consciously making different choices.

You can't underestimate biochemistry and genetics or family or social influences, but you've got to be very careful to distinguish between influence and blame. Blame implies "not my responsiblity," it's a finger point to someone else (who can usually point to someone else).

Learning that I might have a genetic predispositions toward weight gain did not make me more complacent with weight loss, it made me realize that I just had to put more work into the effort than someone without that predisposition.

Reading books such as The End of Overeating, Refuse to Regain, Good Calories Bad Calories and books on nutritional anthropology and ancestor diets - I have a very different view on what I need to do to make the changes I want to. I don't "blame" refined carbohydrates, but I do understand why when I eat them it makes my choices harder than they need to be.

Blame and influence both say "it's no wonder I'm overweight," but I think blame makes it easier to leave it at that. Where influence has us looking for the positive influences to counteract the negative ones we've been used to.
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Old 04-07-2010, 05:03 PM   #13  
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I like the word "influence" better than I like the word "blame" Like I stated earlier, I don't like the word "blame" because it does imply that I'm trying to shed the responsibility for my own (self-admitted) poor choices. I do NOT blame my mother. But I like how you talked about influences and I think it's a helpful frame to use when I think about how I make choices. I can acknowledge those influences, but I don't want to use them as a crutch or to explain away my issues. Thanks for the advice kaplods!
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