Hi, I first joined this site 4 years ago. I haven't been on here in years but came across the site again by accident today. I've had issues with food for as long as I can remember but they seem to have spiralled out of control in the last couple of years. I am starting this thread in the hope that vocalising (at least in text!) my thoughts will help me on my path to recovery.
I'm sitting at my desk in work. Everyone else has left already, gone home to enjoy their evenings. In front of me is a tesco bag full of empty wrappers and packets from sausages rolls, pasta salad, bread, cheese, chocolate, nuts, pastries. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach, and tired, suddenly so very very tired. I know this feeling well enough by now to know that its not physical tiredness, its mental. I'm tired of this pattern of self-destructive behaviour. I can recognise that its getting worse and becomming more of a problem in my life. But I can't stop, something won't let me. Just as soon as I think that I've had a good couple of days, that I am finally getting some control over my eating, this monster rears its ugly head again and suddenly I find myself alone, binging so much until the pain forces me to curl up into a ball. And then I'm back to square one. I feel ashamed, guilty, disgusted with myself. I can't bring myself to look at myself in the mirror, to look at the face of failure. I vow that this is the last time, that from now on I'm going to respect myself, respect my body and overcome this crippling secret I carry around with me. Until the next time. And the next. And the next.
But today as I clear up the evidence of another mammoth binge I know deep inside that something needs to change. I'm worried, not just about putting on a couple of pounds, or not being able to fit into a dress at the weekend. But I'm worried about how this behaviour is affecting my body and my long-term health. I know I can't go on and so today is the day I start making steps to recovery. They may be small steps to begin with but it will be a start.
Today is my day of change. 16th March 2010 - the day I'm going to remember forever as being the day I got my life back.
I'm right there with you! Changing is hard. I just posted yesterday about the exact same thing. I always revert back to my old ways... but not this time! My problem is so simple... I just like to eat. There is nothing else to it. I'm not sad, angry, or anything. As long as you can find the root of the behavier you will know what you need to change besides just eating to really cure the problem. Today is a start of a new life for you. Congrats!
Howdy! Don't beat yourself up. It won't help. Try to find out why you binge and try to fix or at least work on that. It will no be easy, but it's probably the only way. You have to figure out the cause of the eating. In the meantime, find other things to do. When everyone else goes home, go somewhere besides the office yourself. Even if you just wander around the streets for a while. I don;'t know if you have good earth brand tea there but it is yuummy, cinnamony and seems sweet even though it isn't. I love to make iced tea and I bet it would make you think you were having a snack if you made a big pitcher of it and took a bottle along with you after work while you wander. Think of me here in the U.S. wishing that I could go to London and see all the tourist things, all the old architecture, and pretend that YOU are a tourist and take youself to those places. Just keep busy with anything that gets you moving and not eating. And you are in a great place here to get help and support. Glad you found us again!
so glad i just read this! and as i was.i was also trying to figure myself out as i hve been binging and emotionally eating like crazy lately. i figured out why-- my dad is a recovering alcoholic who has been very depressed altely and i am one of the only ones he can vent to (leaving me with the after worries ) and after i read this i was in the proces sof telling myself "today is the last day i am beating myself up..never again!!!" and i stopped myself wondering "really? do i really want this to be my last time?" and it OCCURRED TO ME!!!!!!! i dont know how to deal with emotions yet! and i need to figure out how to cope so i can stop this...hmm i guess im in the search for a hobby!
Your description sounds eerily familiar to me, too! I'm glad that you've come to 3FC; it's a very uplifting and inspirational place to be. I hope you can overcome your struggles. Welcome to your new life!
My heart hurt reading your post because it reminded me of so many times I did the same thing. I know how you feel. Rest assured, you're not alone, things can change, and you can get your life back.
Thank you for your replies. Day 1 and I'm feeling good. I just need to remind myself that I can feel like this every day for the rest of my life, its my choice, my decision, I'm in control.
Think of me here in the U.S. wishing that I could go to London and see all the tourist things, all the old architecture, and pretend that YOU are a tourist and take youself to those places. Just keep busy with anything that gets you moving and not eating. And you are in a great place here to get help and support. Glad you found us again!
Barb
Barb thank you for this post because it has given me an idea! Everyday I'm going to pick something to be thankful for as I think it will be good for me to concentrate on the great things that I have got in my life and not just on the negativity of this problem that I have.
So today...I'm thankful for living in such a fantastic city. As Barb pointed out, I'm surrounded by beautiful architecture and such a variety of things to do every day. People pay a lot of money to come and stay in this city and here I am living in it every day. And for that, I am thankful
Admitting my problem
) and after i read this i was in the proces sof telling myself "today is the last day i am beating myself up..never again!!!" and i stopped myself wondering "really? do i really want this to be my last time?" and it OCCURRED TO ME!!!!!!! i dont know how to deal with emotions yet! and i need to figure out how to cope so i can stop this...hmm i guess im in the search for a hobby! 
