I apologize if my post is erratic. My mind is racing a bit. I am on spring break and at my parents' house for the week. Already I want to binge and purge. Being home is always difficult for me because this is where I grew up with my eating disorder. Being here brings me flashbacks to when I was very, very sick with bulimia. But I can't do that anymore. I am in recovery. I do not want to do something that could kill me. I do not want to undo everything that I have done since I left for school. I do not want to hurt the people close to me by hurting myself.
So.
Instead of eating the entire pantry-- granola bars, chocolate, cereal(!), cheese, egg salad, bagels, guacamole, chips and dip, cookies, leftover mashed potatoes... is it weird that I plan out my binges?
I am going to pour myself a glass of cranberry juice (my favorite, but easy to drink in moderation as it's not too sweet), take an Ambien, and let myself fall asleep. I promise.
Wow, sounds like a difficult night! I can relate! It is so hard to fight the urges in the familiar places that it happens. Does your family know about the B/Ping? Is there someone you can talk to? Tell them how being home brings back all these feelings and urges? I try to find someone I can talk to. Even just saying it out loud to someone gives me more accountibility to not give in. Keep walking forward and pray continually!
I am 54 years old and cannot believe how much I struggled when I visit my parents home. I am so thankful that my husband has been able to see and experience what I once thought was my own imagination. My mother is dear and sweet, but she is a manic on feeding people. She manipulates people and her comments can cut to the bone, all under the guise of her perfect hostess persona. Long story, even longer history.
All I can say is that for most of us, family ties can be our undoing if we play into it. I learned to have a voice of protection for myself and that voice learned the words NO THANK YOU. All the food in the world is not going to erase the different emotions we go through in our family home. Sometimes, it is best to just breath, just hold tight to calming influences we know work for us and stay aware of the transitions of emotions that we feel. Hot showers or baths, short walks, hot tea are my coping techniques. What are yours?
Thanks for replying-- glad to know I'm definitely not alone. My parents are very sweet and supportive people-- they were with me when I was at my worst and in the hospital. It's just hard for them to see that I am losing weight again, because last time it WAS unhealthy. Unfortunately, that means that my mother stocks the pantry with all my favorite foods and cooks everything I have ever wanted, which makes it hard to control my portions and harder not to eat at night.
I think the best thing I can do for myself is to stay out of the kitchen, call the boyfriend, post on here, walk the dog (she's a fat chick on a diet, too!), read the book I brought, and generally distract myself. I held off last night, so I am thinking I can keep it up until I go back to school. Gotta love tried and true coping techniques.
Bama girl - You're not alone! Hang in there! Childhood issues will get you everytime. You sound like you're facing them head on. Good for you.
Three herring - Were you ever told you're fat on one hand and then get offered some food on the other? That's what I experience when at home with the folks. Lots of fun...
When I get these huge uncontrollable urges to binge, I've learnt that I should never let my thoughts go like "I'll just take a bite, count to 3 and stop." Because all we binge-eaters know that will never happen in a million years. Our mouth takes over.
So when I get the urge to binge, I start doing something that I definitely cannot do while eating. I start to sing. This might sound funny but it really works 'cause when I'm so engrossed in a song I just want to sing along with every word and eating won't allow me to do so.
I hope you can find something you really love to do to help you!
Yup and my parents are like that too. Before I started on my weight loss journey they'll go like "you're already so overweight and you're still eating so much." And then when I started to seriously lose weight they started trying to stuff me with food and tempt me with treats. Which makes everything even harder for me!
But I say no and run to my room and lock myself in. Hahaha. To prevent myself from stuffing my face.
I am posting this to avoid a binge.
