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crustygirl 07-05-2002 12:57 AM

My binge eating has to stop
I have only just realised that willpower has nothing to do with why I can't keep my weight normal.
I eat when I'm stressed, happy,sad, to celebrate, any excuse really. I'm afraid of feeling hungry and would rather feel I'm so full I might be sick but I don't purge. It's like my mind goes blank as I reach for those chocolates or chips, and cram them down until no more will fit. Sometimes it's how I imagine a junkie must feel, I literally salivate as I'm opening a packet or opening the oven door. Nothing like that fried salty goodness!

I have only a couple of people I have been honest with, and I can call my sisters when I feel the urge but I don't want to make it their problem, or hassle them. I have three children and so sometimes have yummy stuff in the house, but sometimes I have binged on rice crackers, chunks of cheese, drank maple syrup from the bottle. It doesn't matter what I eat, when the binge strikes I just go for it. I try to talk myself out of it sometimes but end up craving bad things the next hour, week or day. I am under a lot of personal stress at the moment. I had lost 21.2 kilos (aussie) which is about 45 pounds I think but now am busy eating them back on again. Am I the only one?

Nana2 07-06-2002 12:40 PM

Binge Eating
Oh my heart goes out to you. Last night the same thing happened to me. If it wasn't moving I shoved it into my mouth and feeling terrible the whole time.
I work six days a week and when I came home I just knew that I was going to eat. The after affects are terrible, sometimes I think I am going to choke on my own vomit in the middle of the night it backs up into my throat. Am I crazy?:?:
I have been reading a lot lately about loving myself after these binges (which is very hard to do but I have been trying). I need to love me at these times because I am hurting so much. Who else could give me such tender care. IF I CAN HURT ME AFTER BINGES WITH SELF HATING TALK THEN I ALSO HAVE THE POWER TO LOVE ME.
God Bless
Nana 2

sonny 07-06-2002 05:30 PM

Crustygirl, I just want you to know you are not alone. Many women have this problem. I wrote a whole post telling my story and it just sounded so depressing, I am just writing you this short little note. You Are Not Alone. Where I live there are professonials who work with eating disorder patients. If you haven't looked for help, please do so. They really can help you get yourself in control. Everyday is still a battle for me, but I am winning the war and I know you can too. Take Care.

crustygirl 07-06-2002 09:48 PM

Thank you
Thank you for such lovely replies. It is heartening to know I am not the only one who deals with this trauma all the time. I can't forsee a time when what I eat and how much will not be a central force in my life but I hope one day I will. I have sought out a consellor who deals with behaviour modification and I am hoping she will be able to help.

By the way - poll - BIG MISTAKE! I just got excited while posting my first thread and thought a poll would be fun and then when faced with the question my brain was as blank as the antarctic. I think perhaps a better question might have been 'What or who has given you the most help in overcoming your binge eating.' For me it has been a combination of my husband and my sisters. I think that I need more now though so it's time for the big guns. I am sick of being told I have such a pretty face, and saying things that start with 'When I lose the weight...'
I can only do my best, and that will be enough.


sonny 07-07-2002 11:20 AM

Belle, you sound like you are on the way to something good. You sound focused and you know what you have to do. Having the support of your family is wonderful. You have a good attitude and a plan to make this work. To answer your question who has helped the most to overcome binge eating, I would have to say my children. I have two daughters 13 and 9 and the thought of them having to go through this because of seeing my behavior made me work really hard to get my eating in control. I had to learn a whole new relationship with food, and like I said everyday I have to fight back old habits. I look at my girls and think how beautiful they are inside and out and I do not want to damage that in any way. I love them more than anything in this world and I don't want to hurt them. I didn't have support from anyone really, except the professionals, because I have always been in the closet with this. The fact your husband and family support you is wonderful and I hope will be a big help to you. I wish you only the best.

runnergirl 07-07-2002 06:53 PM

Congrats on coming here :). I know the feeling all too well. When the realization comes that diets working for us is like puting a bandaid on a broken leg and expecting it to heal, it's a like depressing. You are right willpower has nothing to with us.

Some people can cut their food intake, up their exercise, drop the pounds and go on with life and it's no sweat. Food has no link to entertainment, to boredom, to self esteem,or to their happiness. Unfortunately, that's not us. I'm glad you have a great support system in place. I think that knowing we have a mis-wiring in the brain is a great step in the healing process. Now
it's figuring out how to relearn and lessen it's power. I'm trying hard to take back every bit of power I gave it. It's been hard but I'll keep on trying. Keep trying too.

Honestly, I think that we will always have to battle overblown thoughts about food. It's out particular obsession. I think it's about whether we act out or not. Keep posting, it's really helping me organize my thoughts and feelings. Take care.

crustygirl 07-08-2002 05:45 AM

Coming Home
Posting and reading from others on this site is like coming home. You know that corny line in cheers, 'where everybody knows your name.' You may not know much about me personally but in reading your replies I feel like you know my secrets inside.

It is so wonderful to write in a place where we are not judged or made to feel bad. I can make myself feel so bad after binging that no-one else could come close anyway! I am returning to weight watchers tomorrow, if only to assess and keep track of where I am weight wise. I don't think I will be following it to the letter, as all it does is make you focus on food more (like I need help doing that!), but just trying one day at a time to not binge.

The last 5 days I have managed not to over eat, and although I will always have to be vigilant, maybe the key for me at least is to share my problem more and not be so ashamed. The reasons I began to medicate myself with food are long gone, and now it is just a self destructive habit. It takes 6 weeks to form a new one so they say, but I don't really believe yet that I will be truly free of this. Perhaps I never will but I will learn to live with it and control it more. Perhaps that is my lesson. I don't know. I agree though that I have no wish to hide in the kitchen scoffing the leftovers as I listen out for the family and then pretend I was only putting it away. Like you, I don't want to pass on this unhealthy attitude to food. My boys are so beautiful, I want them to stay that way.



ShihtzuX2 07-09-2002 03:26 PM

Binge eating
Belle: Hi! I'm another lifelong binger. I've been engaging in it since I was 8 or 10. I'm now 40 and just now getting professional help for it because I don't want to regain the 100 pounds I've lost. I still need to lose another 20. But I've been stuck for several months and finally come to the conclusion that I am just going to try to maintain for now and work on my emotional life and coping skills.

I am just finally being honest with MYSELF about this behavior and trying to learn ways to cope with stress, anxiety, boredom and depression besides eating. The last few weeks my therapist has had me journal my binges. I jot in a little notebook where I'm at and what I'm thinking about when I begin to feel the urge to binge gathering strength inside me. Sometimes it has helped me avert binges just by writing these really brief notes. Other times, I've binged then written the notes afterward--trying not to beat myself up about having done it but just trying to examine my triggers in the "post mortem."

To be honest, sometimes I don't WANT to stop myself from binge-ing because I want to escape into it so badly. My accomplishments with losing 100 pounds, my good feelings about my appearance and all that stuff just seem to fade away so far I can barely see or feel them when I feel the binge monster building steam. And all I can think about is stuffing food down my throat to sedate the rampaging monster within.

I thoroughly understand what you mean when you talk about going into the "binge zone" -- where your mind just goes numb as long as you're grabbing, chewing and swallowing (then when you quit eating all the bad feelings hit like a ton of bricks).

Just know you're not alone. I've read research that says 1/3 of the clients in organized weight loss programs like WWs are binge eaters.

I've been struggling with binge eating for 3 decades, so it seems really odd to me that only recently has the medical/psychiatric community begun to recognize binge eating as an actual eating disorder! :(

sonny 07-10-2002 11:08 PM

Hi, I just wanted to see how everyone was doing. I have been a little out of control past two weeks and really trying to get back into some good eating habits. I don't binge anymore, but I still do stupid things like buy 10 candy bars and eat them all in two days, along with things like chips and soda. So instead of eating alot at one time, I eat alot for two days, and feel just as bad afterwards. I know I shouldn't have the food around but I am addicted to chocolate. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs except Hershey Bars. Sometimes that is how I feel, like I have to have chocolate or I am going to go off.:dizzy: I don't mean to ramble I just feel really frustrated tonight and had to write it out so thanks for listening. Take care, hope all is well.

runnergirl 07-11-2002 08:41 AM

morning all
I'm trying to figure out is it okay to try to lose weight when trying to figure out this disease? I mean my mind is saying if I exercise and eat in and around 1700-1800 (which is totally reasonable) am I going to be able to do it? How did you do it Shihtzu? What enabled you to lose while battling an ED ? An advise would be great =).

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

crustygirl 07-13-2002 05:18 AM

Childrens Birthday Carnage
Oh my goodness, here we go again. After almost a week of feeling in control and eating normally the binge monster (great term Shari by the way) is on its merry path, trampling hapless villagers and small townships in it's wake.

That said, it's not as bad as it could have been. I fully inhaled most of the remains of the DONUT BIRTHDAY CAKE (am I insane for buying it, well probably) but because everyone just loves donut cake (my cunning plan) not a whole lot was left over. I had it at one of those children bolt around on play equipment while mothers chat and someone else does the work places. And there are no leftover party pies or cocktail franks to scoff after lights out that night.

However I think I ate quite a bit more than I intended (as you do) and then this afternoon had the old thoughts 'you stuffed it up anyway lets check out the pantry' etc and began patrolling the kitchen. I managed to only eat a leftover piece of quiche and a glass of diet coke (that is actually excellent for me) and hubby and the boys are making dinner (low fat of course).

Maybe the journalling could work for all of us. I'm going to try it this week. Thankyou Shari :lol:
In fact, thankyou everyone for talking about all of this and helping the lot of us to see how many of us share this problem. Just like a big group counselling session!

Last thing, I finally asked my husband not to ask me if I want snacks when he is on the way home from work. At least if I binge now it will mainly have to be on healthy food! My big fall downs are thick butter like cheese (on toast, bread or crackers) or dip and corn chips - and you?:s:

Good luck battling the demons within!
Congratulations for trying as much as you can.


sonny 07-14-2002 12:00 AM

Belle, I don't know what donut cake is but it sure sounds good. You probably didn't do as bad as you think you did, it doesn't sound so bad to me. I keep food journals and sometimes I think I ate alot, but when I look at everything written down it is not so bad. I wish I could write down my feelings and thoughts like people say they do, but I am so scared someone is going to find it and read it. Sometimes I think I could win an academy award for the act I put on everyday. Just the thought of someone reading what was really going on inside my head makes me very nervous. That is why I like coming here, nobody knows who I am and I can be honest. I really have to start by being honest with myself, which can really hurt. There are things in my life that need to be changed for me to get better, and these changes are going to affect other people. Having said that, let me lighten up a little. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Take Care.

crustygirl 07-14-2002 06:06 AM

Sonny, I know what you mean about hiding your true feelings. I can act just like a normal person and eat normally in front of others and then go home and stuff my face until I physically hurt. I think sometimes that if people could see what I am really capable of eating they would be disgusted and amazed.

I know I am.

I try to keep a good sense of humour about it all, and stay as up beat and positive as I can but sometimes it seems all too hard to fight, and easier to give in to the almost primal urge to feed and feed big! Had one of those days today where it seemed more important to have the meat pie than worry about the waistline.

How do you combat that?


sonny 07-15-2002 09:55 PM

Belle, if I knew how to combat that, I would be a millionaire and I wouldn't be posting in this forum :lol: . I try to keep an upbeat and positive attitude also. I try to live every day hour to hour. If I eat something which wasn't a very good food choice, I don't let it set the tone for the whole day. Hour to hour. As far as the "primal urge to feed" (great term) I wish I knew how to stop it. I think that some day when things in my life change I will be OK. Until then, I keep squashing my real feelings (or lack of) with food. I have needs that are not being met and food is my way of filling those gaps. I know this and I have to learn how to change my coping mechanisms. I have come a long way, I don't purge anymore and I don't BINGE massive amounts of food, but I do overeat. I eat alot of chocolate (raises my seratonin level). Oh my gosh, I just reread my post and it sounds like I am talking to a thereapist. Should I call you Dr. Belle, and by the way how much do you charge? Thanks for letting me vent. If you have a good support system at home you will do great. You sound like you are really making a plan and I know you will succeed. This can be overcome. You can beat it. We will not be living like this forever.
Take care, it must be wonderful to live in Australia. That is one place I would love to visit some day!

crustygirl 07-16-2002 05:17 AM

The Doctor is IN!
Well it must be a positive change from medicating ourselves with food to giving eachother free therapy! You made me laugh out loud - a great sense of humour is crucial to world survival.

I wonder if you (or anyone else for that matter) does the pantry barn dance?

Easy steps, goes a little something like this..

Heel and toe, heel and toe out to the kitchen off we go
Poke to the left and poke to the right,
exit out and turn off the light,
but wait on there must be more,
Quick open up the pantry door
Still nothin' good but don't depair
Take another look there must be somethin there
Still nothing there, check out the cooler
Thought I'd find somethin' good much sooner
So turn around and count to ten
And start the whole darn thing again!

I try so hard to stay out of the kitchen after dinner (my worst time) but sometimes the siren song of the leftover lasagne or the call of the chocolate frogs is too much to bear. But trying now, as I am, to talk myself out of a binge (and lets face it when you have to binge what you actually cram down the gullet is mostly irrelevant) and looking as I am at MY therapy session I see that I can combat my urge (just for tonight perhaps) just knowing that I am not the only one.

By the way Sonny, Australia is a truly beautiful country. I live on the coast, we swim from October to March and the weather is wonderful. A couple of hours away are the blue mountains (you may have heard of the three sisters?) where it snows just enough to build a snowman if you are lucky once a year!

Thanks for listening guys, and good luck to all of you. Anyone who needs to - vent away - isn't that what we all come here for?


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