Oh dear, you're in a deep panic and I know what that feels like. Bingers are like alcoholics in a sense. You never become someone different, you just find a way to manage it. Slipping up happens to all of us. Some one on the forums has a great quote that says

"Failure is not falling down. Failure is staying down." or something like that.

Get thee to a therapist at once. I don't know if you've ever been to a therapist but it changed my life. Don't take this lying down, you need to fight back against your own self. Look how much you have accomplished, don't tell me that this little bump in the road is what's going to knock you out.

Before I went to therapy I used to psycho-analyze myself (big mistake). I truly believed that I was a binger because I hated myself and had no self-value. I thought I was punishing myself because I didn't like myself very much. What I found out though was really remarkable:

To make a long story very short, I had a brother once who was very sick. He died when I was in college but he was sick all his life. Hospitals, surgeries, doctors, all the time. As a kid I felt quite helpless because there was nothing I could do to take his pain away. The only thing I could think of doing was not being a burden to my parents. They had so much to worry about with taking care of him that I didn't want them to have to worry about me. So I became really really independent, good grades, good job, etc. so that my family never had to worry for me. I found that eating and food had become my ways of coping with my situation. In essence I didn't binge because I hated myself, I binged because I cared about myself, and I was trying to steer all attention from family away from myself and towards my brother who truly needed it. It was my young and immature way of "helping."

My bingeing did not come from a place of negativity and self-loathing. It came from a place of love! I am willing to bet I am not the only one with this type of scenario. It's time to accept the fact that your bingeing developed in an effort to take care of yourself, not to punish yourself.

You will get through this!

hey hun I just wanted to copy and post what was in your signature:

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot

You have the tools, you CAN stop and you WILL reclaim those 10 pounds lost! We all stumble but you are STRONG choose to pick yourself back up

I don't have much to add except I want to send you a hug. We are all here for you!! You are successful because you have not quit, this is just a bump in the road and you can move on past it. Coming home made a major change in your life and you will need to find out your triggers and work on them, just like you did at school. You can do this!!!

Oh Meredith, I have been squarely in your shoes and it is a scary, unhappy, angry place to be. I got within a few pounds of my goal once having lost more than 130 pounds and I threw it all away to let binging back into my life as a stress reliever. It's 9 years later and I wish to God I hadn't done it. You don't want this life, Meredith. You want the new one you created for yourself.

As someone else mentioned, this sounds like fear of success. You don't know how to be this new person yet. Yes, the compliments and attention have been great, but how do you just be Meredith, the thin girl, the girl who doesn't use food to fix her feelings? You aren't who you were and you've not yet decided who you will be. I will add my vote for talking with a therapist. It's so nice to just get to talk to someone about everything you would never say out loud to a friend or family. Someone who does not judge you. Someone who can help you sort through what you are feeling right now. Personally, I think everyone can benefit from a therapist!

You can get through this. This was a one-off event that pales in comparison to what you have accomplished thus far. Don't let it define who you are. Don't let it derail you. For now, get back on your plan and do think about talking to someone. You are worth taking care of!

Meredith, I could have written that exact post about a month ago. Heck, I could write it right now. A month ago, I hit my "healthy weight" and then my little brother's graduation party happened and I let one bad binge night turn into a bad binge weekend. Needless to say, the scale was not kind to me. I got back on plan, though, but I feel like I'm barely hanging on some days. I wish I could offer more advice, but you've got some good advice here that I know I'm certainly going to listen to! Because I am EXACTLY where you are.

I think you're very brave for posting about it and getting advice from the knowledgeable people around here. I wish I'd done that a month ago. I agree with the others that finding someone to talk to will be helpful. You can get through this, I know you can!

You are such an inspiration to me! Even now because your letting me see your not perfect and that its not always easy!
Hang in there!!! HUGS HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS!!
I think being home is probably setting you off Im 31 years old and every single time I go to my moms I binge. Its a hard cycle to break.
But you can do it! And you are such an inspiration to me to help me see I can do it too!!!
Dont give up a few weeks doesnt erase everything you have done.

Meredith, how are you feeling today, sweetie?

Another suggestion: Maybe you should head over to the Maitainers' Forum? Surely many of the chicks there have gone through the same struggles that you're going through and I bet they would have lots of good advice and support for you.

Hi sweety, just checking in to see how you are feeling. I know that the 10lbs feels like a lot of additional weight for you at the moment because you are not feeling in control anymore.

Your post makes me sad because that is how I felt a year ago. But I did not reach out when I felt that way and here I am sitting around with more extra pounds than I ever thought I would see again.

Learn from us old timers who have been around the block a few times . . . and lean on us if you need to . . . the things I know and should have realised but at the time I didnt was that:

- how I felt mattered more than the actual weight that I regained - so even if its 1 extra pound or 100lbs - it doesnt matter, I felt just as c.rappy on both ends of the spectrum

- NO ONE could see a difference in the way I looked even after re-gaining probably 20lbs or more . . . I was my worst enemy on that front

- the people who love you and care about you and come into contact with your amazing energy which even comes across over the internet will not care about what you weigh . . . they will always see YOU - amazing and beautiful and loving Meredith.

- you need to forgive yourself for being human and get back to loving Meredith again . . . you cannot move forward while you are beating yourself up for your behaviour.

These things usually happen because something is out of balance in our lives.

However we set up our lives when we were losing weight may have changed, life has a habit of throwing us all a curve ball every now and then and the fact is that it is very easy to fall back on old habits and old ways of coping.

You are human and you will learn from this and you will move forward.

I always remind myself, if I have done it before I can do it again. You lost and maintained your weight before . . . you can and WILL do it again.

Ladies. First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry I've taken sooo long to get back to this thread--I left very early yesterday morning for a week-long vacation with one of my friends and her family, and we're way up in the mountains, so the internet access has been extremely spotty... Not to mention the fact that I've been with either my friend or one of the 12 other people on the trip for pretty much every moment since we left yesterday morning, so it's been difficult to find a moment of privacy to log onto 3FC. Luckily, I've finally managed to hole myself up in one of the bedrooms so I can quickly type this out, heh. I felt so guilty thinking that the desperate post followed by total silence might have made you all even more worried about me!

That said--I cannot thank you enough for all of your thoughtful responses... Seriously, it means the world to me. Everything you all said resonated SO deeply with me, and I can honestly say that I feel a thousand times better now than I did when I typed out that first post. I really had hit rock bottom, and at that point all I could sense was the desperate need to tell someone how I was feeling--and, as always, you amazing 3FCers went so far above and beyond anything I ever could have expected. How is it that you all seemed to know *exactly* what to say? I'm so incredibly lucky to have this site. I feel almost speechless, because it doesn't seem like anything I can say will truly be able to express how grateful I am that you all have reached out to me like this... I feel so CARED for, you know? And, again, SO lucky.

Reading over all of these responses has given me so much strength, and I truly do feel like I'm ready to pick myself up and move forward again. I haven't binged again since I wrote that first post, and I'm already feeling SO much better about myself... I'm falling back into the routine of actually embodying the healthy lifestyle that I *know* I'm capable of leading, and I'm already starting to feel a little bit stronger. With every little good decision I make, I remember how good it feels to be OP, and it's really helping... And I've even noticed that the jeans that were practically strangling me when I put them on yesterday morning are already fitting WAY more comfortably, which is an awesome feeling because it feels like my body is reassuring me that all is NOT lost. Heh.

Of course, there's still that little voice that keeps telling me I'm a hypocrite for "pretending" to be healthy and suddenly turning down junk after everything I've been eating over the past couple weeks, but I'm REALLY trying not to listen to it. I guess it's never easy to build up your self-esteem again after you've hit such a low point, but I'm so glad that I didn't let it get any further than it did. I am really going to have to do a lot of thinking over the next few days and try to figure out what keeps making me want to binge... I think being home for the Summer definitely does have a LOT to do with it, since I'm suddenly surrounded by tons of temptation. I mean, I think I had good willpower dealing with unhealthy foods during the school year, but it just wasn't the same situation as now where I'm never more than a few steps away from a kitchen packed with my family's junk... Not to mention the fact that it's driving me NUTS not to have work/schoolwork/activities etc to keep me occupied all the time--I'm the kind of person who feels like they need to be accomplishing something at every moment of her life; nothing freaks me out more than feeling like I'm "wasting time," so I hate all the laziness and boredom that comes with the Summer. I work SO hard during the school year and always have something that needs to be done, so when I'm NOT crazy-busy I think I must feel guilty on some subconscious level... I need to get some new hobbies, stat!

All in all, I guess I just didn't spend enough time mentally preparing myself for the task of having to put up my defenses 24/7 while I'm home, so that's something I'm going to have to relearn... And as for seeing a therapist, I have to say that I think that is an excellent idea. I started meeting with one of the counselors at my student care center at school during this past Spring, and coincidentally (or not!) that was also when I reached what I think was the height of my healthiness in attitude/body image/relationship with food/etc... I definitely miss having that outlet to discuss the things on my mind, and I think it would be really helpful for me to set up something to take the place of those meetings. If I can find a way to do that AND figure out a way to combat the guilt over feeling lazy, etc, maybe I can really conquer this.

Anyways, again, I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so, SO much to everyone who responded to this thread. The first time I read through all your posts, I just sat here bawling my eyes out because it felt so strange to feel so completely horrible about myself and yet simultaneously know that you all were so RIGHT... Now I feel like I'm going to tear up again just writing this post, heh, because (at risk of sounding like a broken record here) I am just so, so thankful. I assure you I have taken everything you said deeply to heart, and I know that reading over this thread will help give me strength in the next few days/weeks/etc. That kind of support is absolutely priceless.

Good to hear you are OK Meredith.Have a nice and relaxing vacation.

Thank you so much for the update, Meredith. I'm glad that you're feeling better. Now relax on your vacation and be nurtured by spending time with nature and your friends. Please do stay in touch when you get back out of the moutains!

good sweetie! I am so glad you are feeling tons better. And I am so jealous!!! I wish I got a trip to the mountains! That is absolutely my ONE AND ONLY favorite vacation place to be.

Glad you're okay! It's quite the long hard road ahead of you now, but you really are strong, you'll be great, I know it!

Have fun on your trip!

*HUGS* Oh honey, you've been such an inspiration to all of us, you are the farthest possible thing from a failure.

Breathe, it'll be ok.

There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said, and said well, by the other ladies here but I will say this: You are not a failure. You're an inspiration. You've achieved something which, for many, seems unachievable. But you did it, and that took incredible strength and courage.

You have let nobody down, because your achievements belong to you. You did it for you. Your weight and your body is nobody's business but your own. And you're allowed to f**k up. You're allowed to be vulnerable and make mistakes and fall down from time to time. But you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember who you are and what you're capable of. No one can take that from you.

Ten pounds? Girl, you've lost over 100. I'm not trying to minimize how distressing those ten pounds may be for you, but it's nothing you can't handle. As for the binge episodes, I can only speak for myself, but in my experience, bingeing is not something that can be cured but rather controlled. Like some of the other commenters suggested, maybe try thinking about what could have triggered this recent episode. Are you going through a particularly emotional time? Are you being exposed to trigger foods, etc?

From what you wrote it sounds as if you're really struggling to cope with the crushing expectations of others, or what you perceive to be crushing expectations. You need to let go of that need to be perfect in their eyes because nobody can be everything to everyone. All you can do is what's best for you. Forget them. I could be wrong, but you most likely made this change for you -- not for them. And it will be you who picks yourself back up and leaves this episode where it belongs -- in the past.

So you binged. Bingeing is never great for anyone, but you don't deserve to be raked over the coals for it. You slipped up; you're probably going through some sh*t, and that's okay. One binge -- even ten binges! -- is not going to undo all of your hard-earned progress.

You'd still be an inspiration to me even if you gained back 200 pounds. Because doing what you did in the first place took real strength and I can only aspire to do what you did.

I hope you start to feel better soon, bb.