Telling on Myself
Hello all you wonderful women out there. I t has been ages since I have posted, but it hasn't been ages since I have had my ED rear its ugly head and bite me. I am a recovering alcoholic (16 months sober) and I have been working a 12 step program. After I lost some significant amount of weight from an illness and from not drinking I fell back into old habits. I had a lot of people tell me how great I looked ( fed my need for affirmation) and I began starving myself by eating a bag of apple chips and drinking diet coke for several weeks. I would eat a meal here and there but wanted to "get rid of it" be purging with laxatives ( I tried and tried to make myself throw up, but could never do it..THANK GOD!). I got caught up in the obsessive thinking of food, how I am going to control it, how I'm going to get rid of it, and being secretive about taking diet pills and laxatives. This is my way of distracting myself so I don't feel pain or deal with the reality of being an adult.
I went on a weekend women's retreat and binge ate like I haven't for years...It felt out of control and I felt physically ill and disgusted with myself. It was in response to all the feelings that I couldn't deal with that were coming up and I had been avoiding for months. I felt ashamed because the one person that I needed to talk to ( my sponsor) regarding this behavior I didn't tell until this week that I had a relapse in my non-purging bulimia/compulsive overeating. All is forgiven and with love and compassion and she gave me "assignments" to work on regarding my ED relapse.
I had to get rid of the laxatives and the "trigger" binge foods ( I ate ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner), not weigh myself, and write down for her the things I do as symptoms of an eating disorder. This is how I am telling on myself. I don't want my daughter to experience this.
As many of you know or may have yet to understand, you don't have to get down to 80 pounds to have experienced anorexia. Just because you don't throw up does not mean you don't have symptoms of bulimia. I feel for those who are near death and are 80 pounds, and those who vomit a dozen times a day and have been hospitalized several times. I am expressing my gratitude here for not getting to that point. As with my alcoholism, I did not have to lose my home, my car, my family in order to be an alcoholic. I just needed to post here again because it helped me a few years ago.
It's good to be back! - Meg
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