I've had a couple of questions/concerns on my mind lately that I've been meaning to write on 3FC about, and then yesterday realized that these two things are directly related. I would love some input on this.
Situation #1: I'm moving into a new place, with a new roommate. I don't really know her; I found her through the message board at church (where I'm also new). The other day I was there to pick up a key, and she offered me a piece of the cake she had out. I had no problems saying no, but then, out of nowhere, I felt this urge to tell her that I was calorie counting and formerly obese, that she was going to see me weigh my food and that didn't mean I had an eating disorder, and that I was going to be exercising regularly . . . I'm sure you see the direction this is going. I felt the need to tell her who I was before now.
I didn't say any of that, of course - I don't want to her to freak out already about her roommate that overshares! But I do wonder, should I mention the calorie counting? If only to head off offers of food, or explain the ever-present food scale?
Situation #2: Over Christmas I'm going to be seeing three of my really good friends. Two of them saw me in May, when I was down to about 175, but my weight loss then wasn't very noticeable. One of them hasn't seen me in 18 months. At Christmas I would love to be at goal or lower, and (as much as I still feel like my old, overweight/obese self most days) it would be crazy to think that they won't notice a difference. None of them know I've been losing weight.
Should I "warn" them before we get together? Say something like, "Hey guys, just FYI before you see me, I've lost some weight, but it's not a big deal, I just wanted to let you know"? Which would be more awkward, the warning or the big reveal? Honestly, I don't want my weight issues to take any time away from the good time I always have with these friends. The less attention to it, the better.
For me, I feel like both of these situations are two sides of the same coin: I feel like I will (to myself, at least) always be defined as "formerly fat." I was fat my entire life until I was 32, so it's crazy to think that people who meet me now don't know that girl who wore a size 18 and covered up in hoodies and baggy clothes all the time. At the same time, I have dear friends who only know the overweight me, and I want to keep those friends and not make them uncomfortable with the changes I've gone through. I feel like that would be easy if the changes were only physical, but I also have more self-confidence now, like shopping more, and am MUCH more careful about what I put in my mouth.
I know none of this is ground-breaking stuff, but I would love thoughts from those more experienced and wiser than me. That would be pretty much everyone, just so you know.
Very interesting questions...my answer would be no to both of them. I wouldn't mention it to the roommate right away, but would eventually tell her, as you are right it will eventually be obvious. If you choose not to, she would just assume that is the way that you have always been.
As far as the old friends, I probably wouldn't tell them for the shock value. I would enjoy the few minutes of "OMG, you look great" more than I would the warning them ahead of time, although you would still get that moment when they saw you. Don't be upset if they don't seem to notice either. To our friends, we don't look as big as we thought we did. After a long time, it's possible (but not probable) that you would forget that you had been bigger.
It is an interesting thought though, how we feel like there has been this big momentous change in our lives once we have lost a significant amount of weight. Appearance really shouldn't be that big of a deal but it definitely is. To us it is literally the before and after.
Hi there! What good problems to have to solve! Congrats!
I agree about the roommate - just let it come about naturally. When it becomes apparent that she's noticed, just briefly explain. OR you could act like she's crazy for not weighing her food and counting calories -- doesn't everyone do this??
As for the friends, I don't know how close you are, but if I were one of the friends, I'd feel sorta weird about not already knowing about something that's been such a big deal to you! If you got a new job or boyfriend, would you tell them about that? If so, then I'd mention that you're feeling pretty happy and healthy and that you've lost some weight. Doesn't have to be a big deal or detailed, but I'd want to know.
I agree with the others re the roommate. No need to tell her in advance. If she asks once you are rommies, you can just tell her you have been focusing on your health recently, and weighing/measuring your food is part of that committment.
As for the friends, I've been in the same situation & asked my DH if he thought I should forewarn people. At his advice, I never said anything ahead of time. I did, however, rehearse a bit of how I wanted to respond so the entier conversation wasn't about how I lost weight.
Congratulations on your success!! Have fun catching up with your friends AND basking in the glow of their compliments. Enjoy it!!
I agree not to say anything to your roommate. She'll just think you're super healthy and have always lived that way.
The friend thing is tough. I didn't tell one of my friends I was losing weight and she came to visit and it kind of ruined the weekend. The reason it was bad though is because she had gained a lot of weight. And we were always the "fat" ones together... it was in the summer too, so we had planned a lot of pool time, so she ended up feeling self consious the whole time. I wish I would have told her so she could have mentally prepared.
As for the friends, I've been in the same situation & asked my DH if he thought I should forewarn people. At his advice, I never said anything ahead of time. I did, however, rehearse a bit of how I wanted to respond so the entier conversation wasn't about how I lost weight.
So, what did you say? What was their response?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shytowngal
The friend thing is tough. I didn't tell one of my friends I was losing weight and she came to visit and it kind of ruined the weekend. The reason it was bad though is because she had gained a lot of weight. And we were always the "fat" ones together... it was in the summer too, so we had planned a lot of pool time, so she ended up feeling self consious the whole time. I wish I would have told her so she could have mentally prepared.
I'm a little worried about this with one of my friends. We never felt sorry for ourselves or whined about being overweight, but we did laugh about similar situations several times. In a sense, that connection is gone.
Did you ever clear the air with that friend? Is your relationship ok now?
as for the roommate, i wouldn't say anything. I'd just measure my food like normal. because nowadays, being health conscious is the thing to do. it certainly doesn't mean you have an eating disorder because you count calories, fat, carbs, protein, or anything.
as for the friends, i probably wouldn't, unless they were people i had dieted with, etc.
i've lost some weight, not 100s of pounds, and it gripes me when the people who haven't seen me for awhile start gawking and giving the 'omg you've lost soooo much weight, i wouldn't have recognized you, you look sooo good' ???? wtf???? so yesterday you thought i looked fat, ugly and horrible??? it's made me dread seeing people again sometimes. example, i was loudly greeted by the greeter at the church door with "where's the rest of ya???" so i quickly looked around to see who was nearby and wanted to hide.
sometimes it's fat and muscle distribution that changes your appearance, not losing weight. but alot of these people who've always been skinny don't understand that, so they assume you lost gobs of pounds. so be prepared for some of that if you don't forewarn them, and even if you do forewarn them, they might still do it once they see you. i had people gawking at me even though they had seen me every week, and i had been eating apples and almonds for snacks and avoiding the available junk food that was always there. and i had talked about the natural health food and supplements. so it's like it doesn't matter if you tell them you are being more healthy; they still have the same perception of you until one day you wear something different or something.
I am always really leery about the "skinny" comments. I have known too many with eating disorders, and for me, this journey was never about getting "skinny." So I would simply tell them that I'm enjoying being healthier & that I feel better than I have in a long time. It was time to focus on my well-being so that I could take better care of my family.
Then I try hard to change the subject. If they really want to talk about it (and some people do), I am happy to discuss how I did it. If they seem really flabergasted, I've found that it helps to acknowledge that I understand my appearance is a little surprising to them & that it is OK - I'm healthy. Some people will wonder if you're sick, believe it or not.
Good luck with whatever you decide. If these were close friends, they would already know. If you think they may get upset or offended, then it really doesn't hurt to tell them ahead of time that you've been focused on better health & have lost quite a bit of weight as a result. Let them know that you've experienced some different reactions, and you just don't want them to be surprised or uncomfortable.
My sister went through the friend thing. But what she did was post her updated new pics on facebook where she knew they would see them. She was casual about it, so the shock value went down when it came time to reunite. She got the "OMG's" out of the way, and was able to better prepare herself for the weekend.
As far as the roommate, she should be cool about it. I wouldn't worry about that one. If anything, maybe you can rub off on her and you can both do it together! But it's no different than one of you being vegetarian, while the other isn't.
I think this is an interesting issue. It's amazing how our perceptions of ourselves and our bodies changes AND remains the same after significant weight loss. I have a BMI of under 20, and I still feel like and relate to my overweight self far more than a thin person. I saw an episode of Say Yes to the Dress, and this absolutely gorgeous woman with a close to ideal figure was on there. She looked perfect in every dress, but every time she tried one on, she kept picking apart all her flaws. Just the way she talked quietly and meekly and was so visibly insecure, I felt I could relate. Sure enough, she mentioned having lost a huge amount of weight and still "sees" herself as a fat person. That timid insecure persona that's so common of overweight people with body issues just didn't match this absolutely stunning woman. Anyways, that's kind off topic, but I always think of that lady when I have to remind myself that I'll never simply be thin-Megan. I will, for the rest of my life be, formerly-overweight-and-now-thin-Megan. It will affect my feelings about my body, my confidence, my relationship with food, etc.
Coming back to your situations. When I meet new people and eventually have to confront the issue of my controlled eating (I also count calories), I 1) don't make a big deal of it and 2) pass it off as a healthy, even if a bit quirky habit, not a necessity to maintain weight. If I'm with somebody who doesn't know my weight history, and they see me making a special order at a restaurant, recording my calories, measuring, constantly declining junk, etc and they ask about it, I might smile and say "eh, I'm kind of a health nut and I like to watch what I eat...it's just a habit I picked up awhile ago and it's stuck with me."
As for seeing family/friends you haven't seen since you were bigger, I've dealt with this one quite a bit and I still don't like it. Even the big reveal to people I know are proud of me and happy I lost the weight. Even people who knew that I was losing weight. They either make a big fuss about how much weight I lost which makes me uncomfortable or they ignore the obvious and don't say anything and then it just feels like an elephant in the room. I don't want to tell people how much I lost, I don't want to explain my plan to everyone, I don't want to tell you if it was hard or not, I don't want to talk about it (with most people). I just don't want my weight to be something to fuss over. This is one of those times when I get frustrated with never just being thin-Megan, it's always formerly-overweight-and-now-thin-Megan. Even though I face the same challenges as in your first situation, I MUCH prefer to meet new people who only know me as a thin person rather than going through big reveals with people who knew me as an overweight person.
So I guess it's like that lady on the Say Yes to the Dress episode. Our weight will ALWAYS be a big part of our lives whether we like it or not. It will affect our perspectives on darn near everything (our bodies, relationships, food, etc etc). We will always have to stay "on plan" or we will likely gain weight back, either way, weight control or lack there of will affect us. We just have to accept that on some level and learn to navigate these kinds of situations.
Defined by what I WAS
But I do wonder, should I mention the calorie counting? If only to head off offers of food, or explain the ever-present food scale?
