Ok...so I'm going to be the "odd ball out" here. So...would it be alright (non-offensive) for someone to say, "your really smart, you go sooo much further in life if you went to college?" I see no difference!
The truth of the matter is...I, myself, have said (to myself), "self...you are really pretty...you'd look SOOOO much better if you lost the weight". It was the truth...I DO look much better with the weight gone. My facial bone structure is more prominent, and my facial features are no longer masked by fat. For the life of me...I don't GET IT????
I think it may be a little "hypersensitivity" going on in society. This may be the reason why people ignore overweight people (to some degree). Everyone's afraid of what to say and nobody likes walking on pins and needles.
Many of us tell even our own children "your smart, if you do well in school, you will do much better in life"! Is that to imply that they will become TOTAL LOSERS if they CHOOSE to forego college? Should our children be insulted when we tell them how smart they are...but "if only" they were to apply themselves more? Think about it. I think it's a double standard.
It's not as if you can't change your weight. You can. AND...chances are the people who are offended is because they, themselves believe it's true! The truth can hurt...but in my honest OPINION...a lie hurts much worse! I'd rather someone just say what's on their mind...
Joyful, I think you have a point. My therapist referred to my build as "medium" and all I heard was "not thin". People tell me all the time that I have beautiful teeth - does that mean my face is ugly? No, but sometimes I hear it that way. I think depending on where your head is, anything can be twisted into an insult or a huge compliment. So much of it depends on the individual and the timing.
I would consider the "pretty face" comment more of constructive criticism. Rather than attaching negative connotations, you can view it as something of a motivator.
Do you ever hear of people commenting to super-fit folks that they have "such an amazing body" with the subtext that their face is hideous? Of course not, because the face is a more permanent structure. It's something you cannot do much about.
Simply put, you can sooner change your body structure to fit whatever positive self-image you may have, than your face structure (less plastic surgery/facial reconstruction!). Think positive!
I don't see the reason people feel the need to impart unsolicited comments, good or bad, at all.
I've also gotten the pretty face comment all of my life. I've never understood it. I would never dream of walking up to someone I knew and just randomly throwing out compliments or criticisms and it frankly boggles my mind that people do it.
Compliment me on a job accomplished or an particularly creative way to solve a problem, and I get that.
No wonder low self esteem and body image issues are rampant. People just need to work on their manners. :S
'you have such a pretty face", "such pretty eyes" ,"blablabla", "you would be so hot if this n that" IF if IF. well take your if and ^$%^%#$. yea i d love to say this to people with such comments. Its not even a compliment, cause first they see what they dont like about you, then try to cover it with pointing out the next best thing on you. How about not saying anything at all?
Here's where I'm coming from, I don't get why anyone would take offence if they got called beautiful even if they are just talking about their face. (well I get why you would but) I never get called beautiful or even told I have a pretty face I don't even get compliments at all with the way I look so in reality I'd at least rather be big boned and called just a pretty face then as usual have nothing at all.
Cuz then there would be new threads popping up talking about "Why do people treat me like I'm INVISIBLE?" Blaming their obesity on the fact that people now totally IGNORE them, not because of their HYPERSENSITIVITY and generally unpleasant attitude!
Last edited by joyfulloser; 02-18-2011 at 10:02 AM.
LovesBirdsFlying -I think this has become the Universal back-handed compliment to attractive fat people. I have thought about it a lot because it is the only compliment that I get from my husband who has always known me at my heaviest. I wore a size 28 $1200 wedding gown when we married 8 1/2 years ago. I know my husband loves me dearly but he also does not love my fat but then neither do I. He fell in love with who I am. He still does. An even better compliment I received after losing 25 lbs was that he could get his arms around me, even clasping his hands! He was excited about that.
It doesn't stop us from having an active sex life but it does affect how I feel about myself naked in front of him. I have had to work through accepting my "larger than life" body. Candles have helped. He still gets to see me and I feel like the "wattage" is more forgiving.
I never used being large as a reason to not keep up the rest of my appearance. I have always dressed stylish and current, had beautiful hair and did my make-up like a professional. Vanity knows no size.
What actually got me more motivated about losing weight "for good" had nothing to do with vanity. It started encroaching on my health. It exasberated my existing arthritis and I started having elevated blood sugar. Not only was I growing older but I was beginning to feel like I was living in an older body. I just didn't like that feeling. I have always looked about ten-fifteen years younger. Maybe, it was because the fat filled in the wrinkles. I don't know.
I want to someday be mistaken for a younger woman all the way around. Every time I am in a line and I turn around I hear an audible gasp. Hey, I have a squarish butt the size of Kansas. So when those long blonde locks swing and reveal a face 15 years younger, they are surprised that such a face belongs to such a body. It does and I feel shame and disappointment in the fact that I let myself down....no one else than myself because I have high standards in every other part of my life so why not here? I have always felt it was my personal failure that I "let myself go".
We have so much more knowledge today available to us then when I first gained all this weight. I see Grandmas in their 70s who have great bodies. We will always be a society driven by "excellence" and "acheivement"; otherwise we wouldn't be so genuinely impressed with people who are able to lose huge amounts of weight. I didn't make the rules but I do want to be a part of the game.
I grew up with a beautiful mother and her mother was too. They considered me the ugly duckling and were always trying to improve my looks. I hated it. They were fine boned and thin, I was large boned but not overweight.
I once had a boyfriend that was mad at me because someone flirted with me and did a pretend karate chop to my neck and said, they only see you from here up! Another gent told me I'd be a fox if I only lost 10 pounds (this was after I had lost 120 pounds!).
I think there are thousands of subtle and not so subtle references to our looks and body throughout our lives. Not too long ago, my 5' mother who weighs 105 pounds sighed that she wished she could give me some of her lovely FASHIONABLE clothing that she no longer wears even though I am 5'6" and weigh 229. Another insult.
I've been invisible being obese when people wouldn't look me in the eye, and under the spotlight when thin. I have no idea how to handle the middle ground. I aim to. Threads like this really help put perspectives on it.
I'll be honest. When someone used to say this to me my inner b*!ch would instantly (internally of course!) retort "Thanks, fat can be lost, ugly is forever!". Not nice certainly, but it gave me a little comfort at the time. I know that the real reason I was so defensive was because of how HURTFUL that comment was. Is it nice to have a "beautiful face" at any weight? Sure. But not with the implication that your self-sabotaging your own life...which of course in a way you are. Trust me, I deal with enough self-inflicted guilt without any outside help. lol
Also, that one really stays with you for whatever reason. Even as I get closer and closer to goal (within 10 lbs!) I still feel that people are silently adding the "if only you'd lose some weight" in their heads. Ouch.
If they want it to be a compliment, it should just be, "You are beautiful," not a breakdown of which parts are lovely and which ones fall short of a compliment. People just don't think, and some of them do it on purpose to either hurt you or motivate you.
Well said. In my case, the person who always told me this was my father. My dad is a wonderful, loving father, and like you said- he was trying to motivate me. The thing is, that I am a curvy woman. I was wearing a size ten at age 13 and wore a 36d bra. Nowadays, yes, I am overweight and very unhappy with my body. But I realize that in my highschool years ,weighing 145-150, even though i may have been bigger than the average teen, that I was at the ideal weight for my body. Because of my dads innocent comments I always thought I was just fat.... But boy do I realize now how hot I looked! If I had only appreciated it then. Maybe instead of the "pretty face" comment he could have offered to join a gym with me, or participate in a sport together....would have been a lot more motivating!!!
