[shrinkingchica]

Originally Posted by in need of solace

I am resolved to never give up. I learned to be healthy and fit and BY GOD I will learn to date and have a lasting relationship. It's just hard some days to feel so far behind.

I feel sooo far behind too, but heres the thing....... now I *know* *I'm not alone. I can look to you and others on this site for "solace" because I know that I am NOT the only one and that its ok. And that I am not so very abnormal because of my lack of a love life or a history of one. It still sucks, but at least we have company.
Good luck out there!

[Ufi]

What do you think are the biggest challenges? Things you've learned or wish you could learn?

[in need of solace]

First of all, thanks so much for the kind words, Chica! They are appreciated and helpful. You're right, it's good to know you are not alone.

Looking back at my first "late start" relationship, I've got 5 main challenges besides the overall challenge of actually meeting someone. These aren't solely related to dating but are aspects that I can work to improve in my overall life.

Self Worth

It's first because it's the toughest for me. When you spend years (especially the early years) of your life with a certain mindset, that kind of thinking is hard to change. I never considered myself "worthless" even during my darkest times but my self worth was definitely low. At first, I thought losing the weight would automatically give me all the self worth I would ever need. While it was a big boost, it was only the beginning step. The challenge is overcome that old mindset and see the true miracle of my being.

Self Happiness

Another biggie. I know I shouldn't define my own happiness by how I THINK others see me. I know it, I know it, I know it… but I still allow it to happen sometimes. Other people's words and actions can affect me but they shouldn't define me. It really goes back to my foremost challenge of having a strong center of worth. My ultimate goal with this challenge is to be able, without conscious thought, to give "the full weight" of myself to anyone I meet. If they don't like who I am then it's their problem not mine. I want to have an invincible self happiness resting on an immovable self love.

Self Confidence

I'm seeing a "self" theme developing here. I think a lot of confidence will come by working on my first two challenges but confidence in a relationship will only come via experience. Before my first one, how I'd manage in a relationship was a big unknown. Now, I know I can do well, not perfect, but still ok - my irrational fear of being a complete failure? OVERCOME! Sure, I'll have missteps and make mistakes but they will help me learn. I thankful for all that I learned from my first relationship and for the boost in self confidence that it gave me.

Body Image

If only mirrors didn't exist <sigh> … NO, that wouldn't solve anything. I know am I fit and healthy but why do I only see my body as a deflated balloon of my past mistakes? I have corrected those mistakes and they shouldn't cause me shame or embarrassment. Yet, too many times, I let my body image affect all three of my first challenges. I just find all the loose skin to be a constant discouragement. I've admitted to myself that plastic surgery might be the only solution to totally overcoming this hang up.

Communication

Maybe a challenge, plain and simple, for EVERY guy but I still find it frustrating. I'm afraid of saying something wrong or stupid while trying to express how I feel. So, I end up not saying anything. I pick up a weird vibe from her. I don't mention it because I don't want to sound like some lovesick teenager afraid that his girlfriend doesn't like him anymore. I want to express my own relationship insecurities but don't know how to even bring it up. Looking back, I know all these communication failures on my part hurt the relationship. The challenge is to become comfortable with this sort of "deep" communication in the future.

I'd really love some feedback on all of these including anything you think I've missed.

Mark

[Ufi]

Beyond just being quiet, what are some ways these beliefs manifest themselves in your life? My thought is that there's a gap between beliefs and action, the way we're perceived.

[in need of solace]

Originally Posted by Ufi

Beyond just being quiet, what are some ways these beliefs manifest themselves in your life? My thought is that there's a gap between beliefs and action, the way we're perceived.

Thought provoking question! But I'm not exactly sure what you mean.

Are you asking about what I felt versus what I did in the relationship?

[Dalgishake]

Originally Posted by nana64

You are right the biggest hurtle to overcome is that they are not making fun of you. Personally I can't tell myself, since I was in middle school boys would walk up to me a say "oh he likes you" and then all his friends will laugh. (I was overweight then too) So because of that I know if a guy comes up to me who really finds me attractive I wouldnt be able to tell, I would think he would be doing it for kicks.

I usually assume that too. Something like that happened to me back in middle school and it definitely stuck with me.

[Ufi]

Yes, what you actually did. I've been in situations where I felt horribly shy, but I just made myself push that emotion aside, and I've come across as friendly and approachable. The success in those situations helps me to feel better about future situations.

Another thought I had: How much room for fault are you leaving for a relationship? Both yourself and your significant other? What flaws are you willing to let her have? And what flaws are you willing to let her accept?

[littletortugalover]

I'm a bit late finding this thread...

I know exactly how it feels to be in this situation. I got my first kiss at 24, and had never had a boyfriend while I was fat.

I am still with the first guy who kissed me--its been three years. We got engaged at three months, but circumstances intervened and it has turned out to be better for us to wait. Not just better--necessary. I didn't realize all the excess baggage i carried around that was not out the door with all the pounds. Before I met him I was still a wallflower--not really believing anyone would be interested in me and not wanting to go out and meet people at bars and clubs. My fiance and I were introduced by mutual friends and fell in love over email, phone, letters--he was in the army. I moved across the country to be with him. In some ways I thank my lucky stars that we are so much in love, and that, though we do have our problems, our relationship is still good. It could have been so much worse--it seems now that I did all the classic things I shouldn't have. He was the first guy to pay attention to me, to kiss me, to call me sexy, etc. I think one of the reasons we worked out at all was because we didn't get to know each other in person at first. I think I was very intimacy-shy and gave off signals that I was not interested in a relationship--even though I technically was, I was very, very scared of relationships. I think guys could also tell that I was very dramatic about it, too--that, for me, so much was at stake. If they showed interest in me, I think it was obvious I'd latch on like a imprinted duckling. At the same time, I think, as a defense mechanism, I'd often pretend to be completely satisfied being single, not even wanting anything to do with men. I didn't seek relationships. I stayed out of situations that would lead to them.

So when my friends offered me the chance to be a penpal for their friend in the army, I was like, ok...sure. We are friends only. At first, from his pics, I didn't even think he was attractive. So I was not thinking, oh my god, does he want to have sex with me?? Does he want to see me naked?? What am I going to do???? i was thinking...I hope this dude doesn't get the wrong idea.

But when it became clear that I liked him a lot as a friend and kept looking forward to his letters, and that he seemed to really like me too, without even having met me...I thought maybe meeting him could be fun, and once I met him in person I could just say, ok, Go back to your state and lets stay penpals. When we did meet, I was not awkward, there was an instant spark--when I hugged him I felt like I was coming home, like I was safe. At the end of the night we were hanging out by my car and it seemed like now would be the time to kiss--I was frozen, like....I don't know what to do, what if I am a bad kisser? What if he doesn't want to kiss me? And then I just asked him if he would kiss me (I know!!!! Where did that come from????) and he said he wanted to, so we did.

After the kiss was over I asked him if he wanted to know a secret--he said, ok. I said, that was my first kiss. And he was like "what do you mean?" And I said, that was my first kiss ever. His face was just frozen in shock. He didn't believe it. He said that he assumed someone as pretty as me would have kissed a lot of guys...as in, had a lot of interest. See, the one thing I hadn't told him was that I'd never had a boyfriend. He saw my picture in the emails and letters---just casual pics, no naked ones--and made his own assumptions. I did it because i was embarrassed, but it turned out to be a good way for me to gauge his intentions. Was he trying to take advantage of a weak and willing target? or was he really just as captivated by me as I was by him?? It turned out to be the latter.

I am lucky it turned out this way--but there are times when I wonder if I should have waited. Not that we wouldn't be together now--but that I might have been a more confident person during the first few months and years of our relationship.

Sorry for the book I just wrote--but this is a very touchy and complex topic!!!

[Ufi]

Thanks for sharing your story.

I know someone who lost a lot of weight. She'd basically married the first guy who paid attention to her, but now that she's thin, she's not interested in him anymore and is soaking up all of the attention from guys, including creepy ones. It brings up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings.

[littletortugalover]

I think a lot of people were worried about me that I was doing the wrong thing. Some people still do; I don't have a great relationship with my parents and me moving away to live with the first guy I ever dated didn't help things. But that is a result of our dysfunctional past more than anything else. Putting it this way--my parents are not the people who should be talking to me about what love is and how to care for others--the chronic neglect I suffered as a child more than prepared me to be a relational nightmare without obesity and all its trappings along with it.

That being said--I love my fiance and still feel lucky that it was his arms I happened to fall into...when it could have been just any joe blow. Someone was looking out for me. He has helped me grow more confident since i met him--always encouraging me to try new things and think from new perspectives. Sometimes I am really negative and unwilling to risk myself to move forward--he helps me to feel safe enough to leap ahead. If you are with someone who is not as supportive as all that, there's something missing.

I mentioned in another thread how my dad sent my fiance an email with a fat picture of me, to try and scare him off. He just laughed, because he knew the commitment I made, and he had already vowed to me that he wouldn't let me lose myself like that again, not if he could help it. He also said he didn't really get why it was supposed to be such a scary picture--after all, it was still me, and he's still captivated by my eyes and smile and personality, no matter how much weight I had. Still, it was clear from the start for both of us that we want to live long healthy lives together, and that we will promise to take care of ourselves for each other. That means no getting fat again, for either of us. I don't look at that as him not being able to love me no matter what size I am--I look at it as he's someone I can count on to support me and challenge me to be the person I want to be.

Anyway--for a very long time I was wallowing in my former fatness, wondering what it was about me that didn't seem to attract men. Though i have theories, that question has really never been answered. I wasn't getting anywhere, and I was always either the butt of the joke or the unrequited lover, even after I lost weight. Well, maybe no longer the actual butt of the joke, but I still felt that way, and feared that some guy might ask me out just to tell me he wasn't serious, that someone dared him to do it. Even now, sometimes my fiance tells me I'm so hot or something and I just stare at him, like "are you serious?" It's a learning curve. I don't expect someone to say that--it takes me by surprise. I have to be careful because I know if I don't take him seriously, he might stop complimenting me at all. After all, the "I wasn't aware of my own beauty" stage only lasts so long before it starts to become annoying. A man wants a woman to believe it when he says she's beautiful.

Anyhoo, I've rambled on far too long...

[ringmaster]

Originally Posted by April Marie

Just on one angle of this issue, as I could write a book on the topic, as I'm sure many can. I would urge you to date around before settling down. I think it can be easy to get overwhelmed with the first person that seems wonderful, but you may end up feeling trapped later. So, overall, I would date around and not take it too seriously until you really find the qualities you want!

Don't settle.

That's such wise advice!

Like alot of you, I don't have much dating experience, mostly all tying to no self esteem and weight issues.

I would go on a date here and there, but I really avoided letting it get serious because I was embarrassed about my body. I have a big fear that once a guy sees my body he will dump me after.

I had one serious relationship when I was 25, and he was the first guy I did my first everything with (kiss, sex)... I kinda regret now that I centered everything around him and didn't try just dating around and getting to know other guys. It probably doesn't help he cheated and left me for a thin, pretty Brazilian girl. I don't regret learning what I did from the relationship though. I haven't even tried to date anyone since then because that one hurt so much.

Not much advice... I'm just reading the others responses, and just wanted to second the advice to not jump on the first guy that seems so wonderful. It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with the dating thing at my age.

[in need of solace]

Originally Posted by Ufi

Yes, what you actually did. I've been in situations where I felt horribly shy, but I just made myself push that emotion aside, and I've come across as friendly and approachable. The success in those situations helps me to feel better about future situations.

Another thought I had: How much room for fault are you leaving for a relationship? Both yourself and your significant other? What flaws are you willing to let her have? And what flaws are you willing to let her accept?

Thanks for the clarification.

I did little to act during the times I felt like there was a disconnect between us. Was I afraid to bring it up? Yes. Should I have pushed past that fear and voiced my feelings? Yes. Will I make the effort in future relationships? You bet!

There were also subjects I was embarrassed to talk about. Intimacy and sex being the biggest. My lack of experience is very uncomfortable for me. The leftover skin and my body image are also embarrassing. I know on some level they shouldn't be but I have yet to get over my deflated look. So much so, I'm seriously looking into plastic surgery now. More in general, I know I don't like talking about my lack of overall experience with relationships. On that point, even though it was uncomfortable we did discuss it.

How much room for fault/flaws was I leaving in this relationship? I know I had a "fairy tale" idea of us. As far as a friendship we were very compatible and that idea worked. As the relationship got more serious, the fairy tale got in the way of seeing areas where we weren't so compatible. Areas that we either needed to focus on or at least see as warning signs. I might have been better prepared for the end if I hadn't been wearing rose colored glasses.

Mark