So today I received an email from my 'Doctor' who claimed I am now lopsided because I haven't worn my surgical support garment. But that I should come into the office to meet with him in the presence of another surgeon to discuss my 'concerns' and possible revisions to my surgery. He doesn't deny ANY of my problems. Just takes NO responsibility for any of it.
To which I reply in a state of OUTRAGE that I cannot believe they would even suggest I have gone one single day without that garment and in fact usually wear two because the one they ordered was the WRONG one with no leg support and that I'm sure it's been duly noted every time I went to Emergency, to my PCP, wound treatment center for dressing change, Ambulatory care as well as to see the new surgeon that I've had my garment on each and every time and in fact some people have even helped me get back into it after exams.
So I went to see my PCP this afternoon and she was very concerned now that he's back to demanding I come in and see him that I'm screwing up my claim that he has damaged me if I don't give him the opportunity to repair the damage. I disagreed but decided to check it out.
I called the Dr. who chairs the Medical Services Committee, who approved my surgery for the half Insurance paid. The one I've been sending copies to. I asked him, since they paid for half... if HE had any comment about requiring or advising me that for any reason I should return. He said he had been reading my letters with a great sense of sadness and disappointment and had been very shocked at how poor my outcome had been surgically and ABSOLUTELY had NO EXPECTATION that I go back. And assured me that wherever I go for care at this point was absolutely my choice and they would support that choice. He also commented that the photos I sent him told the whole story.
So here's the thing. I work in the health field albeit alternative health. I educate so people can make informed choices. I have had this passion about health care and about people being empowered to make good choices on their own behalf. I feel such an overwhelming sense of futility since this has all happened. I feel there is just no integrity. No honesty. No accountability and somehow I expected that I could advocate better on my own behalf and that would make the difference. You know. Cause I can make INFORMED choices right? Not.
I tell you. I feel like I can't even get my head back into work. I've lost faith. If I was a Minister, Preacher, Pastor or whatever you want to call it this would be on a par with questioning if God exists.
I'm just so overwhelmed. And so deep down in a tired place angry.
Hubs,
Big hugs to you and your enduring strength. If I'm not allowed to give up, then neither are you. I know the scary place (and the anger that resides there) that you're in now. I've been living there for a while. We can both make it, you and I, by leaning on each other for the strength we no longer posess for ourself. Have you noticed that you can keep up the faith for others longer than you can yourself? I have. When I feel my weakest, Eric, that's my dear hubby's name by th way, prints out all of your messages of hope for me and brings them to the hospital (or in the other room), just to let ME know that SOMEONE out there is thinking of me... SOMEONE has hope I'll make it through this 'test', when I feel I've already failed and can't take another step. I'm so afraid of going under for the 11th time. I'm so afraid that this will be the last time I will be able to kiss my dear husband and tell him I love him. I'm so afraid that all of this was for nothing!!! That the past 5 months of starving was for naught. I didn't do all of this to be thin. I did all of this because I want to be a mommy.... a mommy to an angel I can hold and cuddle with. Not just a mommy that get's to send balloons and jelly beans to Heaven on her 2nd birthday. My goal right now, if only for this moment is to make my daughter proud of the momma she does have. So you're allowed to be weak, my dear friend, and I'll be strong FOR you and WITH you.
On a side note~~~ I can no longer ask if God exists... b/c if I don't believe He does, then I can't believe in Heaven. And if there's no Heaven, then where does my precious Angel Girl live? I do believe, so I'll believe for you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, daily,
Hugs,
Sharmel
(I've not had WLS, but have been lurking forever following your stories.)
Please know that there are so many of us that are sending warm thoughts and prayers to each of you on a daily basis.
Shar, your response to hubs was so eloquently written that I was moved to tears. Not tears of sadness, but those from one mother to another who can understand what you've been through and can see what you see when looking up. to you and your wonderful hubby.
So, I'm sitting here feeding DS#2 surfing the threads and come across this one. I am in the habit of reading out loud to him while he's still awake....They say it encourages speech etc... Before I could get to the end of your endearing post, Sharmel, I was in tears. I just wanted you to know how touched I am. What you said was beautiful and so very kind. ((hugs))
Hubs, I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
Kelster and I posted at the same time saying the same thing.
Shar, thanks for the booster talk. Yesterday, having this doctor who I had initially had so much confidence and 'faith' in once again blatantly take no responsibility and project his malpractice onto something completely fabricated just was such a low blow. It knocked me off my feet and set off the old domino effect. You know, where one gate crashes down onto another and on it goes.
For me, and for most of us I think, being silent and internalizing garbage like that is the worst. I will sink if I can't let it out.
My crisis of faith is not around my belief in God or greater purpose or anything like that. I should have been more clear.
Its about what I DO in life. My larger sense of purpose has hit head long into a wall of futility. I feel impotent. Like I've just been kidding myself that it makes a difference of any consequence in my life or others. I really believed if you go in well informed, confident, prepared to take responsibility for the outcome based on that informed choice and last but not least even prepared to pay for it, you'll be ok. I misplaced my trust and I feel disillusioned in a place where I thought I didn't even HAVE any more illusions!!!
I just feel right now that the whole premise of responsible choice in health care got pulled right out from under my feet and I don't even know how I'm going to go back to work when my work requires passionate devotion to that premise. The wind is right out of my sails.
I understand entirely what you mean about how your priorities were not about getting 'thin'. And I also know exactly what you're saying when you point out how much easier it can be to be strong for someone else! And like that old 'Footprints in the Sand' story, sometimes we all need to be carried a little.
I'm at one of those points where I KNOW it ain't MY footprints in the sand right now.
whew! maybe i shouldn't have gone to chicago today!
hubs - belive it or not, i do have an idea of what you mean. my degree is in biochemistry - i've been a lab chemist, and i've been a medical writer and editor for many years. my entire writing/editing career has been focused on communicating medical issues to doctors, pharmacists, nurses, and other professionals.
and yet, when i couldn't get my PCP to even consider any cause other than my weight for my complete inability to walk for more than a few steps because i was so breathless, i got very very discouraged. he didn't even consider pulmonary hypertension, let alone sleep apnea! every time i walked into a doc's office and had him/her tune me out because of my weight, i lost faith.
and believe me, if i can't talk to docs, what does everyone else do? i can't begin to tell you how often i've felt as if i were whispering into the wind and not being heard.
accoutability? it's a major huge issue here in the states, because there are obvious problems. believe it or not, our litigious society helps keep this in check. there are serious consequences. but even so, it's gotten to the point that docs have to maintain their certifications through a complicated process. some specialties require a 6-month audit of ALL charts every two years!
the horror that this doctor has inflicted upon you is reprehensible, and he needs to be accountable. yet, i can't help but suspect that it's not him - but rather his LAWYER who's telling him to do this. it might be time for a certified letter from the doc on the MEdical Services Committee to this idiot, to put him on notice that it's not HUBS who's at fault here.
take time to heal - body and soul. you're up against the international business of health care, and it's a nasty business. you need your strength because your voice makes a difference.
and shar - and eric - i think about you two so often - you're about the bravest pair i've ever come across.
omg, yes. And thanks SO much for giving voice to that. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Exactly.
I don't know if you know but the other part of my 'business' is medical advocacy. I became a certified mediator and paralegal as part of my journey and interest in how to best help people prevent victimization. So as you say, if people like you and I can't be heard when we are so well equipped with the vernacular, how does the average person stand a chance?!?
I also believe there are many doctors who 'work' with fat people and especially with fat women who have a special kind of arrogance. This is a man who carves fat women out of their own flesh and clearly has no fundamental respect of human regard for those he works with.
I agree absolutely that a litiguous approach to accountability is critical and unfortunately a good deal of passivity is part and parcel with the Canadian Socialized Health Care program. We over use the system for things that could well handled outside of burdening the health care system. We expect everything for free. And if there are mistakes made we are passive. We seldom, seldom use the tool of litigation and even less frequently are successful.
What's more, where Canadian law has no statute of limitations where criminal law is concerned, and many other aspects of law, medical malpractice enjoys unique protections. The province where this took place now has a 2 year window for initiating action. 2 lousy years. I remember when I heard it was 6 years on some provinces and I was astounded at that. 2 years is just absurd.
Insurance is motivated by the concept of liability. When there are virtually no challenges to speak of and doctors are willing to pay their malpractice insurance fees regardless, the insurance companies come ahead. The losses just don't demand such an intrusive action as the kind of audit you suggest would involve. Its more cost effective to let sleeping dogs lie. The thing is, this sleeping dog is a beast.
I'm making good use of the tools I have at my disposal and I'm very, very fortunate to have as much support as I do have. The thing is, this also goes to a critical issue of reciprocity of payment between two provinces and two huge government corporations. They will be very slow to challenge this at this point because of all that's at stake. But I know the fact that I've been cc'ing everything to the committee has to be making him crazy with being under the watchful eye. And this is a very, very significant pair of eyes. He also has prestige to protect. And I think that's even more of concern to him than what damage he's left me with.
I'm not going to just go away as a 'nuisance' claim. His 'attack' on me and his erroneous claim its all my fault because I haven't worn the surgical compression garment is predictable. He's worried. Interestingly, he made NO comment at all about my instruction to VISA to reverse the billing. Not a word.
Hubs and Shar - you have been a real inspiration to me. I've been feeling pretty down lately, and reading your posts makes me realize that most problems are overcomeable (is that a word?). You will make it through this. You will be stronger on the other side.
OMG Hubs, please don't lose faith. If anything, when your all done with this whole ordeal, its going to make you so much stronger than you could ever imagine and your going to be that much more wonderful at your job. Your an angel in disguise....promise
Crisis of Faith
