My oldest step-daughter came by yesterday to borrow my Expedition for a trip. She carried her 2 month old baby in to the house in his car seat with a bottle propped in his mouth. This is 5 days in a row that she has been over. She sits at the computer and plays games while the baby is left in car seat with a bottle propped. I finally just couldn't keep my mouth shut. So, I told her that propping bottles is dangerous and that the baby could aspirate. I also told her that I was surprised that when I visited her and the baby was a week old that she had his bottle propped then. Her response was a look of shock and then she said "He won't let me hold him to feed him". I told that I was just concerned for his safety. She said "Well, I always get up and hold him during the night for his bottle". I know this conversation made her mad. (Me or my children then will always pick the baby up to feed him and he doesn't put up any fuss at all ).
3 hrs. after she left, I went to go somewhere in her car and noticed there was no keys. I called her and she said "Uh, Oh, I found them in my purse." So, I am now stuck for the weekend with nothing to drive. She has never in her life been known to take the keys out of her car, they are always in the ignition. I was so mad. My DH said, she wouldn't do that on purpose. My thought is bullcrap. What do you all think? I do know it's the last time she gets to borrow my vehicle. The best thing is , it came a bad storm last night and her electric windows were all completely down and we had no way to raise them. It is full of rain water now.
whenever i trade cars i personally put the keys in the persons hands to make sure i don't accidentally drive off without them .. altho must admit the rain thing is poetic justice!! as far as the bottle thing thats a cop out .. she is just being lazy and doesn't want to be bothered ... does she have other children? or is this her first? just curious as to wether she has done this before, unfortunately nothing you say will prolly change her mind .. i hope she doesn't find out the hard way the dangers of this kind of behavior
I nursed so I didn't have that as a solution. By the time they got a sippy cup, bottle or cup they weren't at the age that it mattered as much. I see lots of parents do it and it has not hurt them. I can't say I wouldn't have or that I would have. We all have different parenting styles and I find myself letting my child watch tv to fall asleep at nap time. That is a HUGE no no and lazy parenting by many opinions. We all have something someone else would have frowned on. There is nothing wrong with expressing an opnion and educating another parent but sometimes the gentle approach is best. Asking to pick the child up and then feed him yourself and then explaining gently explaining that from what you know, propping a bottle could lead to....(that long word..lol). Let it sink in. She's the parent, unfortunately. Now on the car thing..she probably just absent mindedly did that, but what irony!! Just to be clear, I'm not saying she is right to prop the bottle. I'm saying that she is the parent and sometimes a moment blown up may not be the best way to guide and teach. That horse has left the barn though so just wait it out and see what happens.
I think she sounds young and overwhelmed by the responsibility of parenting an infant. Is she a single mom? That could also be a factor. It could be an adjustment period. We all know that the baby is best off in your care, or in the care of more mature adults, so ultimately the more time the baby spends with you and your family, the better. No, it's not fair to you to have a baby pawned off on you, but that baby (and maybe even the mother) will one day come to appreciate the great selfless deed you're doing.
As far as the car thing goes, I'm guessing it was a thoughtless and self-involved action on her part, no malice intended. I don't think she needs to be borrowing your vehicle, either.
She is married and young. Her and her husband have split up at least 5 times in their 3 yr. marriage. She also has a 2 yr. old son that is with us much of the time. We try to give her a break. Her husband told her to move out when the baby was 2 weeks old and to give him up for adoption. She still went back to him. (He doesn't think the baby is his because they were split up for 5 of the months when she first got pregnant). I know she has had it rough. I am concerned that she has a history of depression and was given a medical discharge from the Air Force for "suicidal tendencies" and "not compatible with military life". Maybe what I am seeing as being lazy/neglectful of the baby are signs of depression. One big fear I have is that the baby lives in the car seat. Although they have a crib, it hasn't been put together. The baby sleeps in the car seat next to her bed. After she told me this, I was more afraid that this is how he gets his bottles during the night when she could easily fall asleep and not hear if he was choking. I am not trying to be mean, I am a concerned grandmother and worry about the baby's safety. (As a former RN who worked with new babies, it is natural for me to be worried about any possible danger where infants are concerned.) I wouldn't ever want to try to take her children away. I know she loves them, but I am afraid she has more stress than she can deal with. I know she is seeing a marriage counselor and I sincerely hope it helps.
Just for the record, my DH went out in the pouring rain and put a tarp over her car, but it blew off during the storm. Immediately before she left yesterday (when I handed her my keys) I asked where her keys were. She smiled and said "they are in the ignition like always". I think it was intentional but then again she may have just been being scatter-brained with trying to leave on a trip by herself with just the baby.
I dunno. When I had my daughter, I was young, and I propped the bottle with her. But not at night and not when she'd be alone for long periods. Moments...like if I was running to the bathroom or stepping into the other room for just a moment. But then, I didn't hear anything about propping then. This time, I'm older and wiser and never do it. Leaving the baby always in a carseat though...that's more than just being a young parent...since I once was one and even I wasn't that lax.
From the sounds of it, I'd be leaning towards her taking the keys on purpose because of what was said this time...especially the way you worded it that she smiled when she told you. But you were there, so you can make a better interpretation than anyone. I'd definately not allow her to borrow my vehicle again, whether intentional or not. But if I truly believe it to have been intentional, I'd have told her to bring her but back the 3 hours and delay her trip because you expected the keys pronto.
Wow, I'd watch out for her depression and keep an eye on that baby.... But I don't think anyone needs to tell you that... I'm sure you do your best to make sure that baby is taken care of.
But you know as well as I do, if she is being neglectful...she must be reported.
I'm gonna guess that due to her mental state she didn't leave the keys on purpose. But like someone else posted, you were there and you know how she acted. At any rate, she got what she deserved when the storm came through... Karma: ain't it great! LOL
Whoa, whoa, the baby needs out of the carseat! Babies desperately need tummy time, leaving them on their back all the time is just asking for plagiocephaly (which I'm sure you know). Not to mention extensor and core muscle development, and very very basic, very important developmental milestones! That baby needs to be out of its seat as much as possible!
Poor baby. Poor mama too. I can't speak to bottle propping, because honestly bottles at all make me sort of twitchy.
Actually, I will indulge myself in a little speech about bottle propping. This is my personal theory about why formula fed babies, later in life, are more likely to be obese than their breastfed counterparts. Mamas get so hung up about making sure the baby eats a set amount at a time that they give the baby X ounces of formula no matter what. Bottles drip constantly. There's no way for a baby to turn it off. Baby pretty much has to drink what he's given, and I think that it's an early way of destroying the hunger/satiety signals.
Of course, it is possible to bottle feed lovingly while paying attention to your baby's signals. But if the bottle is propped and Mommy is elsewhere, then that's not happening. And since bottles do drip constantly, with propping you raise the risks of aspiration of formula or even asphyxiation.
There is also the issue of positional plagiocephaly that has already been mentioned. Babies being constantly in carseats and swings and bouncy seats has caused an explosion in this condition. For proper development, like Mousie said, they need to be out.
For proper psychological development, babies need to be held. There have been studies done in the distant past that proved this point. And it's not just baby's mental health, it's Mama's. I know that breastfeeding is said to reduce the incidence and severity of postpartum depression, but I think that proximity to your baby helps too. Goodness knows I get a lift every time I take a whiff of Miss Esther, or just cuddle her close.
There really isn't a whole lot you can do, unfortunately. Just about anything you say in regards to her baby will, it seems, be taken as being a meddler. Do what you can do, and try to take heart in the fact that most of us were undoubtedly fed from propped bottles at least some of the time.
This is my personal theory about why formula fed babies, later in life, are more likely to be obese than their breastfed counterparts. Mamas get so hung up about making sure the baby eats a set amount at a time that they give the baby X ounces of formula no matter what. Bottles drip constantly. There's no way for a baby to turn it off. Baby pretty much has to drink what he's given, and I think that it's an early way of destroying the hunger/satiety signals.
Of course, it is possible to bottle feed lovingly while paying attention to your baby's signals. But if the bottle is propped and Mommy is elsewhere, then that's not happening. And since bottles do drip constantly, with propping you raise the risks of aspiration of formula or even asphyxiation.
All 3 of my daughters were formula fed and all three of them when full would stop drinking. Even from day 1. While i did admit i would premix a certain amount in the bottle i was never hung up on making sure new baby ate at least 2 oz. It was just easier to premix 2 oz at a time then 1 oz. But my babies were able to turn it off when they were full. Just like they do when they breastfeed, when they decide they are finished on the boob they stop. Bottle feeding doesn't make this any different. BUT i do agree that when the bottle is propped in her mouth like that, she has a hard time showing signs to mommy/daddy she is full. As a matter of fact if she is finished and moves her face she most likely finds out that the bottle is still there and dripping all over her face and going down her neck to the back of her head. Gods i can just imagine how annoying that must feel. And with a propped bottle there is a chance of choking. I have propped bottles before on all three of my daughters. But I can probably count on one hand how many times i've done it total.
As far as the car seat. My 2nd daughter WOULD NOT sleep in her crib until she was almost 3 months old. The little brat would want to sleep in her car seat next to mommy. I would have put her in bed with us but we had a water bed. I never propped it in the seat with her since she was conviently there with me. I would still wake up and take her out and feed her. Of course chances are she needs a diaper change anyway so might as well pick her up anyhow. Finally the doctor told me a good way to make her sleep in the crib. I had to place the car seat in her crib with her in the car seat during nap times (so i could pay attention if anything happened like car seats falling over) After about 2 weeks of htat my daughter loved her crib and slept soundly : ).
Sorry if i sound like i'm flaming your thoughts on the bottle monstermama but i tried to breast feed and its just not for me. But I do praise the women who can go through with it. I also praise the mamas that bottle feed. The babies are beautiful regardless and deserve to be held while eating. That is when baby loves us the most. We are taking care of them, nurturing them, smiling at them, they know we love them. Also feeding time is when baby is most keen at looking at mommy's face and thinking who knows what but i bet its sweet things.
Also i think your stepdaughter is full of some big BS when she says that baby doesnt' like to be held while eating. I know for a fact that those babies need it. Its hard to learn to be in this world. They need comforting when they are that new. Need to know the world is a warm safe place.
OH MY GOODNESS LILYBELLE ~ You have such evil thoughts about your step-daughter.............soooo much like myself with mine
Personally, and these are only guesses, I think your step-d just doesn't have the skills to be a "perfect parent"....sounds like with her issues and having babies as a child herself she has a long road to haul.
She may be right, the baby may not want to be held by her, the baby may sense the uneasiness in her mother....your step-d's way of coping may be to come to your home (even knowing the both of you don't get along well) have you and the rest of the family "care" for the baby so it is safe ~ while she sits at the computer, where she feels comfortable, and blocks out things that overwhelm her.
I also feel she did the "key" thing on purpose...seen it too many times with my step-d.
All that being said ~
You did such a great job, doing the right thing with moving your son and his gal friend out, that what you should do ~IMO~ is to do the same thing with her (and boy do I know how dang hard it is to do the "right" thing with someone that just flat PYO !) . Sounds like she needs someone to work with her in a loving way, teaching her how to raise her children ~ I am sure that obviously she will fight you along the way, but maybe in time the tension will ease.
I was a young mother also, I was only 18 when I had my son and 19 when I had my daughter but I never propped the bottle! I thought that it was great to hold them and look at them while they ate. That is the best bonding time ever. It sounds to me like for whatever reason, she doesn't want to be close to this baby. I agree with you lilybelle I would have said something to her too!
I agree also that she took the keys on purpose because of what you said....Im Sorry! I probably would have gotten a chuckle out of the rain thing too.
Quote:
This is my personal theory about why formula fed babies, later in life, are more likely to be obese than their breastfed counterparts.
My son was breast fed but my daughters were not and all three of my children are thin.
Thanks for all your responses. I am not a mean person. Actually this step-daughter and I get along great, most of the time. I sometimes think she is lazy where her kids are concerned. She loves them and I know that. I just felt it was my responsibility to say something to her in the baby's defense when I noticed repeatedly that she was doing this. If it had been the first time, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it. I just feel that baby's need to be held and loved. When babies are being bottle fed, holding them is the perfect time for bonding. I don't mind at all if she brings both the children over every day. I love seeing them. I always hold the baby and he smiles and seems so happy. Even though I probably made her mad a little, she is always quick to get over it, she doesn't hold a grudge like I am known to do. Maybe it will at least make her think about what she is doing.
I breast-fed my own kids for 8 months each and by the time they had a bottle, they could hold it themselves. So, this was never an issue. I did mention this to my DH about the "bottle-propping" and he thought it was no big deal. But, it's hard for him to ever acknowledge when she is doing something that she shouldn't do. I think it's always touchy when it is a step-parent that is trying to give advice. I just hope with all my heart, that she does pick the baby up more and give him attention and love when she is at her own home. I do know that he seems happy and his weight is good, which are positive signs.
My son was breast fed but my daughters were not and all three of my children are thin.
Just because it doesn't hold true for you doesn't mean it's not true in general, sorry. Chances are the majority of us here right now were formula fed.
But like I said, I believe it is less a matter of the food you feed them than the manner in which you feed them. I have met far too many bottle feeding mamas who are told by their doctors to feed baby X amount at a time--and they do something similar with us nursing mamas by asking us for how long we nurse at a feed--and so do it regardless of whether Baby really wants that much. I've been standing there and heard plenty of women brag about getting their baby to drink a whole four ounces, and seen just as often Mama popping back in a bottle that Baby spat out, even seen that sequence repeated several times until the bottle is empty.
My point is this, and if you can refute it do so: If you ignore your baby's signals of fullness, you're going to teach your baby to ignore them. And if you prop a bottle in your baby's mouth and walk off, you're not going to be paying attention to his signals. It's that simple.
As far as the car seat. My 2nd daughter WOULD NOT sleep in her crib until she was almost 3 months old. The little brat would want to sleep in her car seat next to mommy. I would have put her in bed with us but we had a water bed. I never propped it in the seat with her since she was conviently there with me. I would still wake up and take her out and feed her. Of course chances are she needs a diaper change anyway so might as well pick her up anyhow. Finally the doctor told me a good way to make her sleep in the crib. I had to place the car seat in her crib with her in the car seat during nap times (so i could pay attention if anything happened like car seats falling over) After about 2 weeks of htat my daughter loved her crib and slept soundly : ).
My first son wouldn't sleep in a crib either and I had a waterbed too! He slept in the carseat just fine. Maybe he had indigestion. I'll never know. Several months later we managed to convert him to a crib.
MANY parents prop the bottle. I didn't say this was the best. I nursed so that's not my domain. I never judged them for it. Many of those same parents held their babies plenty, straped them in car seats, gave them tummy time, and sometimes they just wanted a moment to themselves. GASP, yes parents are allowed to have that. The true test is not how she reacts when she comes to your house, but how she reacts in a variety of settings (with and without company) and with many areas of the baby's life.
One of my sisters IS neglectful. She parties all night (on a regular basis, not just once or twice) and then wants the young children to sleep not only all night but all day too so she can sleep. My sister's oldest child was in Kindergarden this past year (and now the child is taken away from her) would never take them to get medical attention even though she had free medical care. She let her child have lice for 3 weeks (and my mom kept them and medicate them but she would not do that nor would she do her house) and consequently the entire time she was out of school. She didn't go to school part of the time because her mom didn't want to get out of bed to dress her and take her to the bus stop. Her house would be in squalor so much that the health department came out and gave her an ultimatum. That's bad. There are many stories that go back 7 years. We've been helpless in the situation. The only reason the kids had anything has been because of the family. Most of the time mom (though she won't give up her kids because they are HER meal ticket as well) hasn't provided at all for the children from diapers to clothes.
What would you think?
Poor mama too. I can't speak to bottle propping, because honestly bottles at all make me sort of twitchy. 
thoughts about your step-daughter.............soooo much like myself with mine 
