Me and the husband have been losing weight together.
He first started then I joined in he has lost close to 80 pounds now and keeping it off. I on the other hand lost 78 pounds to gain about 25 back.
Well last night at dinner I was reaching for some more chicken pieces from the chicken fajitas I made and he said your getting more chicken ?
I said uhh yeah why ??
He said ohh nevermind I thought you were going to put some of the peppers on there also. He knows good and well that I dont eat the peppers. I put them in for the flavor.
I feel like hes been trying to drop hints to me everywhere not just last night. I notice pictures of us before we started to lose weight and more of his muscle/weight loss books laying here and there.
I dont know I just know I dont need anyone telling me or trying to motivate me to do this. I know its got to be me. Ive been in the boat and I dont need him trying to toss out my anchor.
Im not talking to him right now because , I find it better for me to give the silent treatment before I say something I will regret later.
Hes never done anything like this before, and I would like to think I know him better then that.
I dont want this let to turn into something more then what it is.
Im not helping the situation, by not talking about it with him , but Im not liking myself to much right now and its easy to be mad at both me and him , I know that sounds strange. I know I need to help myself and get over the excuses. Seems when I get one issue under the belt another two pop up.
Thats life I know. I need to work thru my hard times because they always going to happen. Im thinking maybe a good cry and then get on with it.
IMO, the only way he is going to know how to support you is if you tell him what you need.
"Darling, this is how you can support me in my weight loss efforts: __________________. I do not want you to be a food ****. Thank you for understanding."
I wouldn't say you are overeacting - how you feel is how you feel and you don't need any more validation than that. I will say, however, that when it comes to matters of my weight a comment or hint (especially well intentioned ones) only upset me if I know in my heart that the other person is right. I bet there is no hiding how dissappointed you feel having regained 25 pounds. I'm working to lose about 8 that I regained and even that little bit has changed my attitude. I am sure your husband knows you have to do this for yourself but I would be willing to bet that his comment (particularly since you said he's never commented before) was his way of trying to push you back on track - a place that is probably painfully obvious to him that you want to be. If you aren't ready to hop back on board then let him know that you are taking an intentional break (he still thinks you are in this together and probably just thinks you are struggling) so that he knows any comments aren't necessary.
Ok, here goes. I think that you're husband is probably trying to be subtle, it sounds like he doesn't want you to start gaining all of your weight back but he doesn't want to come right out and say it because it sounds like you are the type of person that would turn it into a fight (and I'm gauging this by the things you wrote in your post, I obviously don't know you). And if you are already starting to gain some of the weight back, I can't say that I would be able to sit by and watch you do it either. You are actually lucky that your husband is subtle, because I would be saying it straight to you.
He is probably remembering what it was like to be living with an overweight woman (I know how they are, I am one ), we can be miserable people.
Since you have already gained 25 pounds back, you need someone to tell you to stop and look at what you are doing, where you are heading, to remind you of what you looked like, where you came from. Do you really want to go back there?
I am working very hard to lose my weight and to see that you've already lost 78 pounds and are ready to blow all that hard work for another serving at a meal is frustrating to me, and I don't even know you. Please think about what you are doing to yourself, I understand that you are already mad at yourself, but I don't think you should take your anger out on a man who obviously loves you and doesn't want you to gain it all back.
PUHHLEASE! It is never alright for someone else to control what you do and that is a spouse as well. I know that a lot of male spouses when their program is going great guns have the urge to "help" their wives, but to their detriment. I agree with one of the posters who told you to tell him how he can help.
I also think you need to look at yourself and decide if YOU are allowing others to control how YOU think. He may be feeding off comments you are making thinking you WANT someone to keep an eye on you. "Oh, I am just not having any success," or "I don't know why I am not losing." is asking for him to stick his nose in and tell you it is because...... I see that you are comparing yourself to him and that is a BIG NO NO! Ignore the stupid magazines, pictures and whatnot. They are not important. The important thing is to feel right about what you are doing and you aren't doing that. IF you feel you have to cry about the situation, you really need to talk to him angry or not. Did you ever think that silence indicates you agree with him??????
If you are doing this together as are my spouse and I, you need to set clear ground rules about how much help you want if any. The only thing I do with Jack is to ask him what he wants me to buy at the store and if I am making something to eat, ask him if he would like something. Otherwise, I leave him alone. I don't encourage him to exercise, eat whatever, or anything. He is a grown man and knows what he needs to do. The only thing I do is give him LOTS of encouragement! He does the same for me.
We have been married nearly 34 years and part of the reason is that we TALK to each other. Communication is key in a relationship so don't clam up, express yourself!
I am guessing that you aren't so happy about the fact that you have regained that 25 pounds. Who would be? Also, I am assuming that your husband wants you to be happy. He can probably see that you aren't happy with yourself in this area right now and he is probably just trying to help because he wants you to be happy. He may be going about it all wrong, and in that case I agree with others that you need to talk to him about it.
My husband has a hard time with that sort of thing as well. I tell him I want him to support me and help me, but if he says something about what (specifically) I am eating, I tend to get mad, or pouty, or my feelings hurt, or even occasionally fly off the handle.
This is hard for him because I will have told him to help me, but the truth is, I don't really want help when I am not eating what I should. So he tiptoes around my dieting quite gingerly, praising me when I do well, but pretty much staying out of it if I am not.
So I have given him specific words to say. I told him if I start to have seconds at dinner he can a) offer to pass me the salad or b) ask me if I would like a refill of water. Those two things are safe enough. Silly, since they mean the same thing as "do you really want seconds", or "how many points do you have left", both of which make me grumpy. Truth be told, I only get grumpy if I am not doing well, and that means I am really just mad at myself and taking it out on him.
And I must say, I have a wonderful husband who is has never, ever been critical of my weight. He has always loved me for who I am. On of my favorite lines of his was when I was apologizing for getting so fat and that he hadn't known what he was getting in to. I started off much thinner (135) when we were dating and I was only 18, although I was about 180 when we got married at age 23... back to the line, "I knew what your mom looked like and I love her too."
I would guess he knows why he's getting the silent treatment.
Yeah, it's tough. My bf doesn't need to lose any weight. He doesn't make any comments about my eating except for if I'm going to do it then I have to take responsibility for the consequences (that means excercising more to make up for it or face the lack of movement on the scale).
I know when I'm not following my program without anyone telling me, and I know I would be sensitive to comments about what I'm eating.
I agree that talking to him is the way to go. Rob and I talk all the time about what I'm doing (and not doing!), and it helps me.
I think it is a male thing to give this kind of negative encouragement, especially when we are losing. I think when we gain back the weight, guys just stay quiet so as not to upset us, but when we start losing again they want us to stay on track. They are afraid I think (sometimes) to say, "you are looking great honey" because they don't want us to get lax and start gaining again. It is a fine line between being supportive and being a policeman, especially when your husband has had scale success where you have not (which does not necessarily mean he's been eating better, just how things go I think). I think he means well, just guys tend not to be too bright in supportive their women for weight loss.
I personally don't think your husband is trying to do or say anything to hurt you.
I think, honestly, you are not upset with your husband, but upset at yourself. If you had not gained back 25 pounds, then the exercise books and "before" photos of the two of you would not bother you at all-but you have had a relapse, and have had some regaining occur-and now you are sensitive to the items and any remarks.
What I suggest, is that you head over to the maintainers forum-and talk to the wonderful ladies over there. Weight loss is only a small, small part of the battle. The hardest part of the battle is to keep up the diet and exercise regimes for life-and permanently change our lifestyle, so that we never regain that weight we worked so hard to lose.
Meg, Mel, and MrsJim are wonderful, wonderful, and knowledgeable women over there-and they can really be of help. The key is, to stop this cycle now, and get your groove back while the gain is 25 pounds-and not to let yourself get back to square one before you act.
Talk with your husband about how you feel, but also realize that you may be acting "defensively" because you are upset with yourself.
Hugs,
Aphil
PUHHLEASE! It is never alright for someone else to control what you do and that is a spouse as well.
I don't really think he's trying to 'control' what she does, per se, but rather he's trying to, in his own way, keep her from gaining anymore weight than she already has.
I agree with aphil, losing the weight is only part of it. You just can't lose a bunch of weight and then gain it back because you've let your eating get out of control again. You shouldn't do that to yourself. Believe me, I did it more times than I care to admit. And I hated myself for it.
I look at it this way, if her husband didn't care about her, he wouldn't say anything at all. And if our own life partner's can't say these things to us, who can?
Me and the husband have been losing weight together.
He first started then I joined in he has lost close to 80 pounds now and keeping it off. I on the other hand lost 78 pounds to gain about 25 back.
Well last night at dinner I was reaching for some more chicken pieces from the chicken fajitas I made and he said your getting more chicken ?
I said uhh yeah why ??
He said ohh nevermind I thought you were going to put some of the peppers on there also. He knows good and well that I dont eat the peppers. I put them in for the flavor.
I feel like hes been trying to drop hints to me everywhere not just last night. I notice pictures of us before we started to lose weight and more of his muscle/weight loss books laying here and there.
I dont know I just know I dont need anyone telling me or trying to motivate me to do this. I know its got to be me. Ive been in the boat and I dont need him trying to toss out my anchor.
Im not talking to him right now because , I find it better for me to give the silent treatment before I say something I will regret later.
Hes never done anything like this before, and I would like to think I know him better then that.
I dont want this let to turn into something more then what it is.
Im not helping the situation, by not talking about it with him , but Im not liking myself to much right now and its easy to be mad at both me and him , I know that sounds strange. I know I need to help myself and get over the excuses. Seems when I get one issue under the belt another two pop up.
Thats life I know. I need to work thru my hard times because they always going to happen. Im thinking maybe a good cry and then get on with it.
For a second there I thought this was my other ulter writing this. This is to me to a T. I mean everything. I have no sugguestion for you as I have not found any answers for myself. But I do believe this is why I have become a closet eater. So my DH does not say anything about what I eat or eat to much of.
For a second there I thought this was my other ulter writing this. This is to me to a T. I mean everything. I have no sugguestion for you as I have not found any answers for myself. But I do believe this is why I have become a closet eater. So my DH does not say anything about what I eat or eat to much of.
Closet eater yes thats me, I will not eat the stuff I do around him rather while im out and about or at work.
I used to destress myself when i went to the gym to workout.
I used to ride my bike up to the gym and my bike finally broke down after some good years but we are not in a situation where I can go out and buy myself a new one even thou I would love to. So I dont bike or walk anywhere.
I was doing at least 4 miles of cardio a day plus weight lifting so not doing anything at all really has taken a toll on me.
Im mad at myself and the situation I am allowing myself to be in.
and Im eating to punish myself for allowing myself to be like this. Its crazy. Its like one big stupid cycle that im seeing myself as someone who doesnt deserve to be happy and that I should be misrable.
But the small things are adding up that I really dont like the work shirt is getting tighter and the breathing is getting harder and the clothes are fitting tighter. I work midnights and I had it down to a science when to eat when to work out and by a certain time and by me not putting myself first like I was im just not getting things done for myself that I was.
I really got to get back to basics and stop punishing myself. Its spring going into Summer and I need to take advantage of this warm weather.
to reach my goal by my goal time I need to lose 1.7 pounds a week.
I matter first and everything else is second.
Ive got to do something before I let go of my goal weight by my goal date. i can still do it. But I need to get up and move.
Have you thought about going back and reading some of your own posts from when you were doing so well? I know you've made some inspirational ones and have given some great advice along the way. Maybe re-living how you felt when you were excited about losing weight and feeling good about your success would motivate you to make yourself and your health the first priority again.
Originally posted by: LLV
I don't really think he's trying to 'control' what she does, per se, but rather he's trying to, in his own way, keep her from gaining anymore weight than she already has.
I disagree. Anytime you have someone questioning what or how much you are eating that is a control issue. Most men are controlling beings. That is just their nature. I am not saying he is some kind of a beast, just that this young woman needs to stand up for herself instead of shutting down by being mad, which does no good.
I know people don't like it when I say you should get confrontational, but the truth is, if you aren't you get no where when it comes to this sort of thing. If she doesn't nip this in the bud he will feel it is alright to continue to question what she eats and how much of it. That is NOT something she wants. It is her life and she can live it anyway she chooses, but I don't care it if is a friend, an enemy, a family member or my dear sweet husband, anyone that questions what I am eating and how much is going to get MYOB!
Thinking if I over reacted
), we can be miserable people. 
If you had not gained back 25 pounds, then the exercise books and "before" photos of the two of you would not bother you at all-but you have had a relapse, and have had some regaining occur-and now you are sensitive to the items and any remarks. 
