I've been trying so hard for what feels like so long... and I always give up.
I have SUCH an unhealthy relationship with food and weight. It's all I think about 24/7. I hate the way I look. It's an obsession.
Recently I've resorted to eating the same thing everyday except for dinner... I know it's not healthy. I didn't exercise today, I wanted to go for a walk but it was cold and rainy and I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym. I HATE my body. Just hate it. I have saggy skin, stretch marks from my breasts to my legs. Literally. Even if I ever got a tummy tuck my skin would STILL be so covered in stretch marks.
Sometimes I ask myself what's the point in trying if I'm still going to look horrible at my goal? Why try? I'm never going to be happy with myself.
Hi, FreeSpirit ((((HUGS))) You know what? I can tell you are a beautiful soul from your postings. And those who are close to you - family, friends, loved ones, etc. can SEE your beautiful soul. They don't see your stretch marks when they look at you, they see your SOUL. I promise you that is true.
And the other people? Well, most of them are so worried about their own stretch marks/jiggly thighs/one boob bigger than the other/hair loss that they don't notice any stretch marks. And the few that do, and judge you for it, are jerks and who cares what jerks think?
It can be so incredibly hard, this whole relationship with food. I remember when I was in my teens and twenties, I used to not eat all day long and then binge at night. I was trying not to eat, ever. Because I thought to be a proper, pretty woman, I wasn't supposed to eat. At all. But of course I binged, because I mean who can live on no calories at all?
I've come to realize just recently, that I can never do toast any more, I can never do french fries, or cookies, or cake. I can't because once I start, I can't stop. I'm like an alcoholic, only with carbs.
It's hard to give all those binge foods up, but the price I paid for them is too high for me to pay anymore.
I wish things were easier. I hope that someday you find your magic path, the one where everything is easy and feels right, and you find your way to your healthiest you without having too much of a struggle.
Be good to yourself tonight. (((HUGS))) I highly recommend a cup of tea (if it's okay for you to drink tea or if you like it) and a nice long soak in the tub with some nice bath salts or bath oil.
P.S. I used to be so scared for the longest time that I would never be good enough. Kids made fun of me in junior high because I had thick glasses and my clothes were old and I was just a weird kid in general. So I was an easy target. So I spent a lot of years after that trying to be good enough. Wearing contacts, trying to look good enough that people wouldn't be mean to me anymore. Then I finally realized, the main reason I wanted to look a certain way, was to be loved. And I have someone who loves me. And he loves me even when my makeup is washed off and I'm at my highest weight and I'm growing old. You know what? You have people who love you, too. You are good enough. You are loved just as you are. You don't have to lose weight for people to love you, because they already do. If you do lose more weight, the best reason to do it is so that you'll be healthier and happier, and here on earth a little longer because you are healthier. Because you know, all those people who love you, are really gonna miss you, stretch marks and all, when you are gone.
Last edited by HealthierLori; 01-22-2010 at 07:19 PM.
Reason: P.S.
I know that no matter how much weight I lose, and how toned my body gets, I will have stretch marks for life. I will never look like Heidi Klum, and I will never feel comfortable enough to wear a bikini, even if I could pull one off... which I probably couldn't. But like I said, I know that. And yet I'm doing all of this anyway. I'm actually eating the exact same thing for lunch and dinner every day each week. I'm eating one of three different acceptable breakfasts every day. The reward for me is not a hot bikini body. The reward is a healthier, longer life and looking better than I do now.
Maybe you can try to look at your journey in that way. No, you're never going to be a supermodel, and nothing will erase the stretchmarks. But think how much better you'll look when you reach your goal. Think about what you look like now, versus when you were at your starting weight. Think about how much more variety and access you'll have when shopping for clothes that flatter your body. And throwing focus on physical beauty to the side, think about how much healthier you will be at your goal, and how much longer you will live and be able to enjoy life.
You have lost an incredible amount of weight, so you've obviously had drive and been enthusiastic before. Try to re-embrace that, and think about what's better about being thinner and healthier. Don't focus on the boring diet or the ideal body you know you can't have. You have managed something many people try and fail at. As difficult as it is for you right now, try to feel proud of that fact.
I truly hope that you're able to regain your focus and feel better about your prospects. You haven't worked as hard as you've worked to give it all up now. You can't achieve perfection, but you can achieve the best your body can possibly be. Best wishes.
At 5'6 and 3/4, and 159 pounds, I bet you look great! And you have come so far!! Everyone up above has written such warm, genuine posts -- I hope some of what they say rings true for you... I couldn't say it any better so I won't even try.
Are you sure you want to / need to get to 115? It seems awfully low for someone your height (and my height). I've read that people who have lost a lot of weight like you have sometimes have a hard time having their body image catch up. Maybe that's what you are dealing with??
And remember the health benefit -- that's ultimately the point, to be able to live a long and healthy life. Looks are just the outside package. It's what's on the inside, truly, that counts.
PS: I just looked at your profile and see you are in your early 20s. I know it must be really hard to think about being in your 40s. But try, for a moment. You have so much of your life ahead of you -- you will have so much more fun in the next 20 years with a body that is fit and trim and allows you to do all sorts of wonderful, adventuresome things that carrying extra weight gets in the way of.
Last edited by newleaf123; 01-22-2010 at 08:04 PM.
I think part of my biggest problem is that the weight I've lost has been mostly through diet... hardly any exercise. I am REALLY out of shape. Lots of jiggly, squishy parts, but I'm so unmotivated to exercise. I'm the kind of person who needs to see results or else I get discouraged really easily. I'm taking a fitness class at college, so that gets me off my bum occasionally. It's all about total body, mind, and spirit health and wellness... so we're not exercising all of the time.
I don't even know where to start with exercise. I've been trying to get out and walk around the neighborhood. It's about 3 miles total and takes me around 45 minutes to an hour to do. As far as weight training for my muscles... I'm totally at a loss.
The thing is, I KNOW I feel better after I exercise. I just don't do it.
I think part of my biggest problem is that the weight I've lost has been mostly through diet... hardly any exercise. I am REALLY out of shape. Lots of jiggly, squishy parts, but I'm so unmotivated to exercise. I'm the kind of person who needs to see results or else I get discouraged really easily. I'm taking a fitness class at college, so that gets me off my bum occasionally. It's all about total body, mind, and spirit health and wellness... so we're not exercising all of the time.
I don't even know where to start with exercise. I've been trying to get out and walk around the neighborhood. It's about 3 miles total and takes me around 45 minutes to an hour to do. As far as weight training for my muscles... I'm totally at a loss.
The thing is, I KNOW I feel better after I exercise. I just don't do it.
Congrats on the awesome weight loss. I think I agree with your post though. If you have lost 80 lbs without much exercise there's a good chance you have lost some muscle mass along with fat, compounding the problem.
Only way to correct that it to start doing it!
If your problem is doing it at all, don't even worry about how you exercise, what types of things you do, any of that stuff. That's not your problem and you can figure that out later.
Just committ to doing something regularly and pick something that is bearable enough to do that you wont' dread it. Maybe that's the gym, walking, videos, whatever. Then when you get consistent you can start worrying more about working out the kinks in your routine to match any goals you have (toning, weight loss, etc.)
First and foremost, FreeSpirit... My best friend in high school had really bad stretch marks. She was overweight, but she was really, really tall - that's where her stretchies came from (I think). I noticed them just like I noticed how she had blond curly hair, blue eyes... They were physical details of her, but I really couldn't care less. She was my BEST friend. And I would be so hurt if I knew she thought that way about herself, the way you feel about yourself. My point? I bet you are someone's best friend, and if you're not, I bet you've got the capability to be. There are some really cruel people in this world who will judge you for your looks, but thankfully, they are few and far between. Will people notice your saggy skin, your stretchies, your "imperfections"? Oh yeah. But they won't focus on them nearly as much as YOU do!!!
I always hated my thighs. They've been so jiggly, lumpy, pale, cellulitey for most of my post-13-year-old-life. But now, I love them. I love how they let me run, walk around, dance... I've met girls who can't walk at all, I'd much rather have MY problem than their's. Why don't you try taking that attitude, instead of hating your body? The more you appreciate and love your body, the more you'll want to take care of it. If you can't find something to love about your body, post a picture, and we'll find lots of things, I'm sure. I REALLY don't think you're as bad off as you think!!!!!
Now, as for weightlifting... I used to be afraid of weightlifting because I bulk up really bad. That's the last thing I want! But this time, I decided to stick with it, no matter what. Come to find out, I bulked up for 2 weeks, and then I lost about 5lbs and my muscles "shrank" and what was left was this nice, toned muscle. =) I BET you'll have a similar experience. Don't be afraid of it. You don't need any scientific method to it, at least not at first. Just go lift some light weights, try to lift each weight about 10 times, 15 maximum. If it's too heavy, lift a lighter weight. If it's way too easy, lift a heavier weight. Google some "beginners" suggestions. But no matter what, you've GOT to exercise!!!!!!!!!! It's so good for you! =)
I have been in the gym lifting very very heavy weights TRYING to bulk up. Almost no carb, very low fat, high protein diet. TRYING to bulk up. I have a propensity to gain muscle easily...and again...I am TRYING to do it. Trying hard. Guess what? I have probably put 2-3 lbs of solid muscle on each arm--delts, biceps, triceps. That's a LOT. What does it look like in reality? Well, the backs of my arms are still a bit fat and hangy but I do not have loose skin batwings. My arms are about half the size, or less, than they were when I weighed nearly 400 lbs. Considering my former high weight (370), that my arms are naturally big and long, and that I'm over 40...they look FANTASTIC. I have very well-defined muscles. Heck if I could get liposuction and skin removal tomorrow, I'd be competition-class for weight lifting next week. But, are my arms big and scary and manly? NOT AT ALL. Basically they are just Michelle Obama or Linda Hamilton in T2 just with more jiggle. So DON'T be afraid you will bulk up if you lift weights! Again, I'm trying to, because of all the skin inherent to my arms, and the most I've been able to do with specifically trying, is just to make my arms look REALLY HOT. Sorry to hijack your thread but everytime I read someone's scared of lifting and only wants to tone, well, IMHO there's no such thing as toning at low weights, it's a myth. If you want your arms to look good, forget the 2-3 lb weights and go up to 15-20-25s. You will be THRILLED at the difference.
Why does this belong on your thread? Well, it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of losing weight because you're scared the end result will be less positive than you hope it will be. It won't!! Staying fat should not be an option. Lose that weight, and if for some reason you don't like how you look, it's quite easy to gain it all back. But I promise you won't want to.
My confession time.
