I thought about adding this to my previous “food pushers/saboteurs” thread but I think it deserves a thread of its own. My mother in law has been getting on my nerves with some of her comments indicating that my hubby & I are just going through some kind of “fitness” phase:
“When I was in my 30’s I used to be like you – working out a lot & eating healthy”
“You haven’t been eating ‘healthy’ for long.”
“You look the same before you got pregnant” – HELLO, I’m 12 lbs less!
She has a framed picture of herself on display in what I call her “glory days” in her 30’s wearing a string bikini when she was younger & fitter – which I believe she secretly wishes she looked liked now. She still looks pretty good in her late 50’s but she is always seems unhappy because she wants to be at what she calls her “fighting weight” of 120 lbs (she’s 5’4”). Therefore, she’s at a constant battle of wanting to shed those last 10-15 lbs.
She’s also made comments that people should follow her doctor’s height/weight chart: every 5 feet = 100 lbs & every inch over add only an additional 5 lbs (hence her 120 lbs weight goal at 5’4”). She actually had the nerve to suggest I should actually be 115 lbs because my height (I’m 5’3.5”) to which I replied “No, I don’t want to look emaciated.”
Unfortunately, her obsession with her weight also affects her adult children (her daughter is about 60 lbs overweight & son is 20 lbs overweight). My hubby even admits although he’s never had a weight problem, some of his issues with his weight came from her. She always seems to want to help “fix” their weight problem (she’s offered to pay for a gym membership, bought fitness DVDs & equipment, etc.). Yet, she continues to cook unhealthy dinners (i.e. fish tempura with full fat mayo tarter sauce, pasta with alfredo sauce & chicken thighs). When her daughter is away to college she sends her care packages containing mac & cheese boxes or cans of ravoli. She also makes comments about their weight. For instance, when her son stepped on the scale (which is located in her living room – go figure) she replied, “I thought you said you were only 180 lbs then why does the scale says 190 lbs?”
In addition, she states she doesn’t crave sweet stuff but yet she continues to keep candies at home even though both of her children have sweet tooth’s. This past Easter she bought a ton of candies at 90% clearance price because “it was such a great deal”. Incidentally, she dropped off some of these candies at our house (she knows I have a sweet tooth too) with the comment “bring them to your co-workers”. All of the candies ended up in the trash because I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction & my co-workers did not need them (a few are on weight watchers). Incidently, she fills all of our stockings with candies at christmas - which I would promptly regift.
Lately, she has been trying to cook a little healthy (although dousing veggies in tons of olive oil doesn’t really count). Therefore, my hubby & I would bring a healthy dish so we would have something to eat. Sometimes we’d have a little of her food (although I would usually leave it on my plate & throw it away when she’s not looking).
How could she says she cares about her children’s health? It’s mind-boggling to me the disparity of her actions & words.
So when I was losing weight & I used to think maybe I could stand to lose a few more pounds I remember her & how unhappy she is because she’s constantly chasing those last 10-15 lbs. I refocus on how healthy I am now & relish the moment. Furthermore, I’m learning from her on what not to do because I want my 4-yr old daughter to grow up healthy, happy, & confident in herself & her body – a tall order but something worth striving for.
I'm sure a lot of people are overweight or unhealthy because they don't know better. But I certainly knew better long before I actually changed anything. Knowledge is pretty different from action
She sounds like she is more than just delusional, but also a bit spiteful and, or course, sabotaging. That is more about her unhappiness. A phrase I've seen posted is helpful in not letting her get to you, "Poor thing. She can't do any better." I know, easier said than done.
I was talking to one of my neighbours who is a nurse and nutritionist and she told me that as you said, as a woman you start at approx. 100lbs at 5 feet and then depending on your body frame, you add 5 to 10lbs for every inch. For example, I have a small frame, so at 5'6, I should be approx. 130lbs (ideally, of course), while my sister is 5'7 and takes after my father and has a med/large frame, so she can be 170lbs. Even though there is only an inch between us, there could be 40lbs difference. I don't know what your body type/frame is, but you might want to mention to your MIL that different body types carry different weights and it may well be that 115 for you would be very underweight.
This isn't a weight issue at all. This is a CONTROL issue. She wants/needs to control the conversation and your reaction to the conversation and your weight and weight loss plans in order to feel IN CHARGE.
I grew up with a mother just like that. Obsessed with her weight. Obsessed with all of us kids' weights. Yet baked cakes and perogies and mac and cheese almost every day. Made sure we ate a full plate, then berated us for being fat, in her eyes. Her definition of THIN was ridiculous and unobtainable. Seriously....good times...
Recognize this as a crazy-making environment. Keep on your own path. Don't share your plan or exercise habits with her IN TERMS of what you do and for how long. You can just be as supportive as possible with her kids, because they are in a crazy-making environment. However, if THEY want to lose the weight, they will have to find their own paths --you can't do it for them. You can only be supportive with them as to how they look RIGHT NOW.
As for your ideal weight, you guys will figure this out when you get there. She doesn't need to know what that is. And you have one of two choices when she makes remarks: you can say that "I'm not discussing weight", repeat it, and leave the room. OR you can say "Yeah, you're right" thus ending the debate. But getting involved in a discussion will only lead to conflict because it won't be about weight, it will be about CONTROL...you want to keep it with respect to your body and decisions, and she wants to get it from you. Non-productive...
I feel your pain my mom used to be like that. Would make huge dinners- pile it on my plate- tell me I had to eat EVERY bite then later on that evening say "omg you are so fat, why are you so fat, blah blah" and as a child I'd cry cuz I didn't know why I was so fat! And looking back I was a chubby child but not huge...
Does anyone ever tell her to shut up? My mother is a control freak about food and health and regularly/daily/every-minute-of-the-day vomits her crap all over us. She is completely incapable of recognizing boundaries. She has serious food issues. I have to be constantly vigilant, because in one moment she's offended when I don't eat something at her house, and in the next, is monitoring/tracking what everyone eats at her house. She's like the Quicken of the eating world!
I have hung up on her, I can't even tell you how many times. I ask her nicely to not talk to me about food, weight, exercise, eating, cooking, etc. I give her alternative topics to discuss with me. When she can't switch, I politely tell her that since she can't respect my boundaries, I have to go. I have left her house for the same reasons. She acts likes she's offended, pouts for a day, then goes back to acting as if nothing has happened.
I've had to learn to differentiate myself from her, to hold on to myself, my self-identity, when I'm with her. I have recently moved back to my hometown in order to help care for her and my ailing father. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. There's not enough liquor and fast food in the world to manage the stress my parents relish inflicting on me. But I've finally learned that all their crap is not at all about me. It's about themselves. They manage their stress in seriously poisonous ways. I can't do anything about that, but I also don't have to be damaged by it any longer.
I have a really good therapist that helps me, and I've gotten a lot stronger. And in the end, both my parents are really grateful I'm here to help them. I won't be rewarded by them in any way, but I will be able to live with myself and move on with my self-respect intact.
I pray you find a way to be at peace around your MIL. Sounds like you'll have lots of practice!
Workingmom, I had to laugh at your post. Why? Because your MIL is EXACTLY like my parents. You would not believe how many years I went through of "You need to lose some weight, here have some candy." Combined with "When I was your age I was 120lbs," "Did you know that your mother was 120lbs when I met her?" etc etc. For as long as I can remember my mom has been unhappy with her weight and trying to lose "a few pounds."
After I lost weight my mom was diagnosed with borderline type II diabetes and jumped on the bandwagon too, and has now been at a healthy weight for over a year. My dad (also borderline type II diabetic), on the other hand, has been obese since his 20's, refuses to exercise, and refuses to eat healthy. However, he insists on telling everyone else how fat they are, making disparaging remarks about fat people, picking on me to make sure I don't regain weight, and feeding me junk food every time I go home.
When I've confronted my dad about the ridiculous things he says, he has claimed either "You're too sensitive" (that one was when he called me fat when I was 14 years old and 110 lbs and I started crying), or "I just don't want you to end up like me." I think the latter is really what is going on -- he feels bad about his weight, but he isn't willing to do anything about it, so he somehow thinks that saying all these offensive things to me will make me not get fat. (We all know how well that works -- every time he used to make negative comments to me when I was heavy, I would just go out an eat junk food to comfort myself!)
In any case, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
I hate when other people's issues spill over on to us, gah. She sounds seriously nutty, don't look for logic in her actions/words, just ignore her as best you can and don't engage on the topic at all.
workingmom, as hard as it might be learn to turn her off. As has already been stated, she is a control freak. This has nothing to do with you it is her need to be in control. Don't discuss weight with her, leave the room if you have to. Ignore her.
You know, I know it's not always the best way to respond, but sometimes it amazes me how people can speak and act and no one says anything.
It goes back to what Dr. Phil says about teaching people how to treat us. I choose to treat others with kindness and respect, but that doesn't mean they get to walk all over me, and they don't get to exercise their emotional immaturity all over me either.
Us big folks have to stand up for ourselves at home as well as in public.
I’m so fortunate that both of my parents never made a big deal about our weight growing up.
Geoblewis: I had to laugh because yes my hubby has told her to “shut up” on more than one occasion. Her relationship with all of her children is strained because she doesn’t give respect so she doesn’t receive it. As my hubby would say, “None of us could ever please her so why bother?” Because of this we limit our time with her & she doesn’t babysit our daughter – of course she has opinions about how we raise her too but that’s an entirely different matter.
It seems like its “payback time” because my MIL always used to brag her daughter always listened to her & was the “perfect angel”. That is…until her daughter turned 14 & decided she didn’t want to be controlled by her mom anymore & their relationship has been very tumultuous ever since. Once my MIL kept going on & on to my hubby about “wait until your daughter turns 14 years she’ll stress you out….” blah blah blah & my hubby promptly told her to “shut up” & she hasn’t said anything like that since.
Kiramira: Yes, she does have control issues. I’ve been with my hubby for 21 years & it seems like she’s getting worse since she retired a few years ago.
We both offered to give her daughter 4 sessions as a high school graduation gift with my friend/personal trainer who helped me out tremendously. Unfortunately, she wasn’t ready & denied the gift. When my MIL was complaining about her daughter’s weight problem I did mention to her maybe she should get rid of all the snacks/sweets in her house. She told me “I will” & they were gone for a little while & then reappeared again.
I’ve also been very careful about what I say to her when my daughter is around regarding weight issues. When my mother in law tries to bring up my weight # I say things like “I feel great because I feel strong, I have muscles now, I have more energy”, etc. & that pretty much shuts her up. Funny thing, my daughter has been telling me “I’m strong & I have muscles too”. Oh yeah, her other comments about us eating healthy have been “That’s a lot of work” which I say “It’s worth it because we both feel great.” However, I think as she gets older she forgets a lot (in addition to drinking alcohol every nite) because I find I always have to put her in her place firmly with these comments. That’s okay, it just gives me a lot of practice.
Going to her home knowing she’ll probably have unhealthy food & a negative attitude puts me on the defense. Before we go over to her house for dinner, I eat a healthy snack & we bring a healthy dish. I also find myself choosing the most fitting & flattering clothing. Because I have to “practice” this scenario over & over again, I feel I’m stronger & thus able to handle less difficult situations. Of course, there are times when my resistance is low & I eat more than usual but I usually get back on the wagon the next meal or workout a little longer the next day. I also want to show her that long-term weight maintenance is possible because she states she doesn’t know ANYBODY who’s been able to sustain their weight loss for a long period of time.
However, my MIL does have rare moments of “weakness” when she admits to me she’s jealous I can still run (she’s had hip surgery). She can’t run anymore because she used to be a fitness fanatic (the string bikini days) by running a lot of races & doing step aerobics – which my hubby thinks contributed to part of her hip deterioration.
Thank you all for your advice & listening & hugs…it really does make me feel better that I'm not the only one going through this.
She sounds very passive/aggressive to me. That is very difficult to deal with.
If she is interested in cooking healthy, is there some sort of class the two of you could take together? That way some of the pressure would be off you, since there is an instructor, but it could be a subtle (or maybe not so) way to steer her in the direction of foods you want to eat.
As for the candy at holidays - I come right out and tell people I don't want it, or if something, only 1 small something - not a 1 pound bag of candy.
I feel sorry for your MIL, workingmom, but gosh! What a pain to deal with!
I think you're handling it really well, and especially not letting her make remarks about your daughter.
She probably feels pretty worthless and lonely, and that's why she's always trying to tell others what to do. Wants to be "important." Of course it has the opposite effect. And that alcohol can't be helping her...
Good luck! And thanks for venting! Hope you feel better.
I really need to vent....
Combined with "When I was your age I was 120lbs," "Did you know that your mother was 120lbs when I met her?" etc etc. For as long as I can remember my mom has been unhappy with her weight and trying to lose "a few pounds."
Of course it has the opposite effect. And that alcohol can't be helping her...