Ok, I've got a long way to go in weight loss, myself, but my mother has made some amazing accomplishments over the last year.
She started changing her life about a year ago, and in that time has gone from slightly over 300 pounds to approx. 170. She's still losing, but has already made a major change in every aspect of her life. She's been at least a size 22-24 since she was 20 years old, gained some weight due to health problems over the last 5 years, and has now gone from a size 30 to a size 12 in just under a year (at the age of 50).
I'm very proud of her, and she seems to be proud of herself, but she now seems to be starting to chafe under some of the compliments/comments she's receiving about her drastic loss. We attended several family/friend weddings over the last few months, and there are a number of people who barely recognize her. (One of my mother's high school classmates asked my father where she was, when she was sitting next to him!)
While I think she's aware of how much she's lost and how she's changed, I'm not sure it's sunk in just HOW much she's changed. And the fact that everyone's so complimentary all of a sudden can feel somewhat backhanded (i.e. "wow, you look amazing NOW" implies "wow, you looked SO BAD before!")
So, I'm just curious - how many of you struggled with the compliments after weight loss? How did you deal with it? Is there anything I can suggest or offer to help my mother deal with the struggle? (Obviously, I just try to be supportive and complimentary, without getting too over-the-top - she's an amazing woman!)
I have always struggled with compliments, from loving them, trying to downplay them, to sometimes being irritated with them. It all depends on how I feel that particular day, and the person issuing the comment.
Weight loss is a very personal thing, and having someone compliment you on your body is very different than a compliment about your hair, jewelry, or home decor.
There are times when I have to just take a breath and say "Thank you" and leave it at that.
Last edited by fiberlover; 11-05-2008 at 09:01 AM.
I think it depends on the compliment. After losing, I went to the wedding of a friend of mine who hadn't seen me since my high weight, and she said, "You look amazing!" I felt great hearing that -- that's the kind of compliment I like!
On the other hand, DH's grandma said to me, "You've really turned your life around," which I found pretty insulting even though she meant it as a compliment. It's all in the wording and delivery.
I struggle with receiving compliments too because I am not used to getting them. I have people comment almost each day on my weight but also they are noticing I have a "way cute purse" or "to die for" shoes--well, it's the same handbag and shoes from last year--at my highest weight and they didn't say anything then!
There is also a group of women (well three to be exact) that have for the last year gone out of their way to make me--and other women, uncomfortable. They are overweight but have the latest of everything if you know what I mean--there hair is always done perfectly and they are always cackling and carrying on and usually at others expense. I am kind of past that stage in my life where I worry about a $400 handbag or $200 jeans. (You can be a hottie without dumping that kind of dough in these economic times.)
One of them actually stopped me last week and told me, "I am so proud of you!" Well, for some reason it pissed me off. It sounded condescending to me and implies we have some relationship we don't. Is it just me or do ya'll think she was being a B.
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 11-05-2008 at 09:08 AM.
I found compliments to be a mixed bag. Some people are genuine about it and those are easy to take. Some people "compliment" when it is obvious they are jealous--they perceive your success as their failure and those are harder to deal with. Some people will say something once, and others go on and on. And finally, the people who only see the before and after can find you literally unrecognizable, and that is just weird all the way around.
Then there will be people who gossip about "the surgery," whether there was or not, and as if that was an easy option. If she hasn't heard that yet, she probably will, and I don't think there is any way to prepare for that. That is probably a topic all on its own, and I think has a couple of threads around here.
I'm sure your mother does know how much she has changed. I went through a period for about a year and a bit, where every time I saw myself in a mirror I was just shocked, and I understand that is pretty common. You literally don't recognize yourself at first. And so she's probably dealing with her own reaction as well, measuring it against the others.
I don't have much advice, except perhaps to wait it out. Over time, people will adjust to the new normal, and the compliments will slow down to something more manageable.
Congrats to your mom on her weight loss! It is such a hard thing to do, and she should be proud of herself! Good luck with your own journey--I found it easier with a couple a real-life examples of what can be done, and that is a great gift your mother has given you.
As someone who's in the same position as your Mum I can tell you it does start getting old when people comment about your amazing weightloss. It happens to me practically daily now and I often wish people would just give it a rest. It sounds a little ungrateful to say that reading it back but I would just like to be treated 'normally' now.
I hate when people focus on my "looks". I quickly switch it around. When someone says to me that I look fantastic, I say "Thank you. I FEEL fantastic." When someone says I look amazing, I say, "Thank you. I FEEL amazing." I simply hate talking about how I look.
When they go on and on. I try to downplay it. I say something like, "Well, it was a long time in coming, something I should have taken care of years ago." I don't like when people make me feel as if I've done something super duper incredible unheard of. I mean it IS something I should have taken care of long ago and not ever let it happen. I try to point that out. Not sure why. I guess it's because I am really uncomfortable with some of the compliments. But it does come with the territory and is to be expected.
I wish your Mom (and you) continued success. Let her know that she is not alone. What she's feeling is perfectly normal. All the best.
I'm with Layla - I can't wait for the compliments!
But I'd assume they would get annoying after a while.
I just think once I start getting them, it'll all seem real. Right now I don't notice much change in myself. My close friends and family say they do, but I sometimes think in the back of my head, they are just saying that to be nice and supportive. Ahhh I don't know.
Amazing that I have people acknowledging me now and even conversing with me that never would have before--and lets not even begin talking about guys opening doors for me now.
Generally I appreciate the compliments...as long as they seem sincere...if often really badly put -- Wow! You look amazing NOW (Which sort of means "You used to look bad.). However, the male attention? That just feels odd. I'm the married mother of three boys -- married for 14 years, and last week some young twenty-something asked me for my phone number...at the grocery store. It was funny, and kind of complimentary, but sort of awkward and embarassing too. Oh, and I keep getting carded! I am 37. Hello? OK, I have pretty nice skin, but I do NOT look 21. That is just silly. It is like just because I'm in pretty good shape, people don't even REALLY look at my face...just the rest of me, and then they make an assumption. That I don't like.
Hi, I'm the same age as your mother, and I've been at my lowest weight for about 1 year now, and have been at a weight that caused comments/compliments for about 2 years now. I don't get so many remarks anymore since people are used to my appearance now, whereas before it was an almost daily thing. I also grew tired of it for all the reasons others have said above, but - I also came to realize that each person is really expressing how they feel about themselves, or at least that's an underlying subtext to a lot of the remarks. You can make yourself nuts trying to figure out what each person really meant, or rising to the bait of the backhanded compliment. Life's too short. Your mom knows what she did and how she feels about it and that's what counts - take all the compliments at face value, say thanks, and enjoy being her new self. Like everything else, this will pass, and some new thing will come along for all these people to talk about. Meanwhile your mom has her health and good looks! Congratulations to her for her determination and persistance.
I still get people who do not recognize me - we ran into a former neighbor in the grocery store line recently who talked to my husband and ignored me, though she looked right at me several times. Both my husband and I were convinced that either she thought I was some random lady in line behind him, or else he's dumped his old wife and taken up with this new gal, and maybe she was waiting for him to introduce me? Hmmm....Hence the cold shoulder? We got a good laugh out of this.
Do any of you resent the compliments?
but I can also see how they would get old fast..
It's how I truely feel.
