Hello Ladies, As my 29th birthday rapidly approaches, I'm working on changing my thoughts about being single. I'm really interested in hearing the perspective of women over 30 who are single or who were single for a long time, and are TRUTHFULLY ok with it. I don't mind if others chime in, but you know what I mean.
As I get closer to my weight loss goal, more and more of my issues that I stuffed down with food in the past are surfacing, and I'm confronting them. I'm in therapy, and that is helping tremendously. I've always been single. I've dated guys for very short periods of time or I've had crushes on people that seemed interested in the beginning, but never purused any kind of relationship with me. It's heartbreaking and borderline embarassing. I really do try not to be too sad about it, but it's difficult.
I'm the woman who did everything I said I was going to do. I'm well-educated, I've traveled extensively, I have really good friends, I bought my first house, you get the idea. One of the biggest hurdles was weight loss, a mountain I am successfully climbing everyday. But I can't seem to wrap my head around why I'm still single? I thought it was my weight, but that's not it. I spent so much time trying to "fix" myself to be a "suitable" partner for someone. I've done what all the dating guru's and self-help books tell you to do, and nothing.
I've finally just reached a point that I really just want to be happy and truly content on my own. I'm not closing myself off to the possibility of a relationship, but I'm not waiting for it anymore.
If you've had any kind of experience similar to mine, I would love to hear about it.
I have to say I was truly happy being single until the time that I started dating my husband at the age of 30.
I've had a lot of thoughts about being married, being single, etc etc. I do love my husband very much and I think we have a great marriage and a potential to stay that way.
Some days I do reminisce about being single and my life being single. I think I had a pretty good life. I think I would've been happy being single for the rest of my life. I wasn't even looking for anyone when I started dating my husband, it just kind of happened.
I don't think you should try to force finding someone upon yourself but rather enjoy your single days. If you do happen to meet someone that would make you change your mind about being single, then so be it.
I know you can also often feel familial pressure and pressure from friends. We are in a society that does seem to expect everyone to get married but it doesn't have to be that way.
It is nice to have someone to do things with and share a household but it also does require you to change your life around a bit. Not that it is a bad thing but I think being single does have its advantages.
I agree with Lola. I'm 33 and never been married. I certainly have my share of issues around the idea of marriage, including body image problems. Like you, Nelie, I have graduate degrees, a job I really like, own a home, travel when I want, etc. I have friends who are married and I see them making sacrifices and compromises that I honestly wouldn't want to make. I have friends with horrid boyfriends who take advantage. I have friends who are single. I know people who are on a constant man hunt who always think this new one is "the one".
For me, marriage is something I don't see happening. I am on this weight loss journey for myself and my health and not as part of a master plan to meet a man. I am open to the possibility, I suppose, but I'm also enjoying my life as it is.
I don't know if that answers your question or not, but I am in the same situation.
I've been single for 46 years.. my whole life I love the independence, not having to answer to anyone (other than my four footed fluffy boss) and being the one to make my own decisions about things. I own my own home, have my degree, have my retirement all set up, my investments are set and life is good. Sometimes I get a little lonely but those periods don't last too long. Honestly the men I've dated in the past have turned out to be more headache than joy so I haven't dated in many years and am okay with that. Being an only child may have made it easier for me going at it alone. I am not sure. I don't need a man to complete me. Maybe one to compliment me, but these days I tend to feel smothered around them so I mostly stay on my own.
Yes it is really easy to blame weight for being single. For me I did the same thing.. stuffed down problems with food and sure enough, as the weight comes off the problems come out. I know ther eis more junk buried down there and it's the emotional junk that is more responsible for my being single than any pounds.
The older I get, the less marriage really is on my radar at all. I mean, I am content now, not leaping with joy every day but at peace and enjoying my life. I wouldn't mind someday perhaps finding a male companion to do things with from time to time, but I need my own space and he can stay in his!!
Some people wonder if I am lonely. I remind them there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Just ask some of your married girlfrieds and I am sure some of them will comment about how alone they feel, even though they are married.
I’m 30 and have been single forever or at least it feels that way…. I can’t say it’s ever bothered me but as I get older I would like to think there is someone out there for me, my friend keeps telling me we are all made in pairs! Lol I am not ruling out joining a dating agency later this year when I’ve dropped another 40lbs or so!
I'm 42 and I've always been single and I have to say I have never wanted marriage and/or children. Not in my 20s, not in my 30s, and not now. I think the biggest reason is that I grew up in a rather restrictive, volatile environment so I hold onto my freedoms with an iron grip. I've also seen a lot of marriages of my relatives and friends be miserable, fail, have humongous problems, and I don't want that. I have traveled, I have a job that I like, I spend my own money when and how I want. I assemble my own pieces of furniture, my own electronic devices, balance my own checkbook, pay off my credit cards on time. I don't stress out too much. When I was in my 20s, the idea was (maybe still is) that you're expected to get married and have kids. But if you don't want kids, then what's the point? You can still spend your life with someone if you so choose without marrying them. But I don't think I'm very good girlfriend material either. I'm just as big a commitment-phobe as some men are. Ultimately, I'm going to do what feels right to me so I try not to make promises I don't think I can keep. If you gave me a choice between a platonic male friend to hang out with and go on trips with (who goes home afterwards) vs. a guy I'd have to deal with every day, I'd take what's behind door number one. No wonder we get along so well with gay men, lol.
Last edited by trekkiegirl; 01-21-2008 at 04:03 PM.
Thanks for the comments, especially LindaT and trekkigirl. I guess the question is how do you get to that place of just being ok with being single? Without grabbing and trying to hold on so tightly. I admire your outlooks and perspectives.
I'm 31 and single. Somewhere along the way -- about a year or so ago -- I came to the conclusion that I kick a$$. And I'll continue to do so with or without a man. I've lost weight, I've got a master's degree, I make good money, I've got a house, I've got great friends and family who love me. I can't say that I haven't thought about settling down. I'm just not willing to settle down with anyone other than the perfect guy for me. And, so far, he hasn't come galloping into my life. Maybe someday he will. Maybe he won't. Regardless, I'm still happy and fulfilled.
I was single after being in a long-term relationship for four years. It ended when I was 26. At first I was desperate for a new relationship because I wasn't used to being alone. But eventually, I got over it and really had fun! And as they always say, I met my husband when I wasn't looking. I was single and loving it (which I'm sure made me a little more attractive to him). We got married when I was 29. Now we have two babies. I love my family, I really do. But man, sometimes I really REALLY miss those days when all I had to worry about was me. That may sound selfish, but it was amazingly carefree to be alone.
Thanks for the comments, especially LindaT and trekkigirl. I guess the question is how do you get to that place of just being ok with being single? Without grabbing and trying to hold on so tightly. I admire your outlooks and perspectives.
I guess a lot of this comes with time, just being older seems to give you a different perspective on things. It didn't happen over night. I look back at my early to mid 20s and cringe and how clingy I was about men. I am sure I drove some of them away. A lot of disappointment in the male gender also probably fueled this. When you keep getting burned, you stop going near the fire ya know? Then life got busy, things happened and filled up my time and as a result I HAD to be more independent and do things on my own and I tell you that is a real boost to your self esteem. When I realized I didn't NEED a man for anything, that really will make a difference in your life. Wanting one and enjoying being with one are another thing, but needing? Not me.
I still get crushes on men, but I enjoy them for what they are. Just fantasies, like an adult version of Cinderella or something. I think they are fine as long as you understand them for what they are.
Just get involved in your own life, instead of waiting. I volunteer at the local food bank and do other volunteer activites as well as get involved in a local church. Having things you enjoy doing and are interested in doing can help you focus more on the big picture which it turn I thinks makes us more self sufficient and helps our self esteem.
I no longer wait to buy furniture or cars or anything, because what if it never happens? I don't want to spend my whole life waiting! Besides, Prince Charming isn't coming. Mr. Maybe might but I am not waiting on anything.
Changing Perspective on Being Single
I love the independence, not having to answer to anyone (other than my four footed fluffy boss) and being the one to make my own decisions about things. I own my own home, have my degree, have my retirement all set up, my investments are set and life is good. Sometimes I get a little lonely but those periods don't last too long. Honestly the men I've dated in the past have turned out to be more headache than joy so I haven't dated in many years and am okay with that. Being an only child may have made it easier for me going at it alone. I am not sure. I don't need a man to complete me. Maybe one to compliment me, but these days I tend to feel smothered around them so I mostly stay on my own.
No wonder we get along so well with gay men, lol.
I've lost weight, I've got a master's degree, I make good money, I've got a house, I've got great friends and family who love me. I can't say that I haven't thought about settling down. I'm just not willing to settle down with anyone other than the perfect guy for me. And, so far, he hasn't come galloping into my life. Maybe someday he will. Maybe he won't. Regardless, I'm still happy and fulfilled.
I think they are fine as long as you understand them for what they are.