I really want to get out there, but I have hangups about my weight. I think I'd be more comfortable being on a site where the men are attracted to bigger women (although I don't consider myself a BBW necessarily. . .if that makes sense. ). But are these guys just preying on larger women who may have self-esteem issues? Are there any good BBW sites out there comparable to the more well known match.com?
Allabout, I can't say anything about the online dating sites because I've never done one. All I want you to do is be careful. I have an ex friend who called all those 900 numbers in the early 90s. I told her that they cost quite a bit and she was living pay check to pay check. She ended up with a large phone bill. But, I digress. Anyway, I told her to NOT have these guys over to her house but to meet them in a public place, not a bar. She didn't listen and was stalked by one.
The advice for online dating is very similar to meeting a guy in a bar - be careful, pay attention, and be choosy. There are mostly frogs (that may be someone else's princes, but if a guy is your frog it's not wise to try to make him into your prince or try to make yourself into his princess).
Expect, but don't accept very low levels of social skills. Some guys are only looking for a "hookup" or are so backwards socially that they don't know that asking a woman her bra size or her sexual fantasy in an introductory email is generally not going to impress.
I had a problem with the BBW sites, in that I only met a few men that liked women of all sizes, or at least all sizes of "big" from size 14 on up. Since I had visions of being a smaller me, that was a little disheartening. I didn't want to be the woman whose husband left her (or stayed with her, but found her unnatractive) after losing weight any more than for gaining weight. It seemed a bit of a dilemma. What did work for me is placing an ad in a local paper linked to a national "regular" dating site where I posted my picture. Responses were made to a telephone box number, so you would call in and get your messages. I stated my "stats" including my weight and hobbies and that I was dieting, trying to get healthier and looking for someone ok with that.
I got a lot of weird responses, but also a few very promising one. Two I met in person, and one I married. The funny thing is, I never would have talked to him at all if we had met in person. It's not that he wasn't attractive, more not my type (I would have assumed). He had a bit of a giant biker-viking thing going on with long auburn hair and mustache, weighing about 350 lbs and a little over 6'2". And he was incredibly shy in person, and incredibly outgoing on the phone. Our first month of face-to-face dating was very awkward and mostly silent in person, and then after the date we'd call each other and talk on the phone for three hours.
As for online stalkers, you can find those offline too. Online is a little more likely because it is a draw for people who do not have normal social skills. Both the advantage and disadvantage of online dating is that meeting online is a lot less threatening and prevents "body language" communication that might result in instant rejection. Be careful of anyone who wants personal contact or is "in love" with you immediately. It can be flattering, but it shows that they aren't cautious enough of, or selective enough, and you have to wonder why.
I never tried a BBW dating site and I wouldn't qualify myself as a dating expert but...
I dated a few guys here and there. Only one guy I have ever dated was someone who specifically dated larger women. He turned into a stalker. It was a scary experience.
I also always figured that I don't plan to be overweight my entire life. What would've happened if I met a guy who was only interested in larger women and then I lost weight? I never wanted my weight to be a factor on why a guy was interested in me.
I ended up dating and marrying someone who was interested in me for me and not for my size. He has been very supportive of my weight loss and has helped me along the way.
If you do decide to go with a BBW site, I would definitely recommend feeling out for if the guys you meet are only interested in larger women and how'd they feel if you lost weight.
I met my last boyfriend through the BBW scene. When I started losing weight he was very unsupportive and part of the reason we ended up breaking up was that I wouldn't promise not to lose too much weight. He genuinely prefers large women - it isn't that he is preying on their low self esteem.
Personally I would recommend using a regular dating site and just being clear about your weight. Post a picture and be honest. There are lots of guys out there that aren't specifically looking for larger women who are more size flexible.
I agree with what people have said re: safety & the whole point about how dating a guy who specifically prefers larger women could be detrimental to weight loss and/or an issue in the relationship as you lose weight.
And I agree with Nancy, post a clear photo & be honest about your weight. Personally, my face is the last place I gain/first place I lose. Even though I had a clear, recent photo, some guys seem suprised by my weight, so I posted a full, clear shot of myself seated. So you may want to consider posting both a face photo & a full photo. And I would mention your efforts at changing your lifestyle in the ad & that you're looking for someone who's either made those changes or is looking to make them too.
I gave up on online dating because it's just too flakey (people not showing up, etc.). And pardon me if I overlooked someone already posting it, but I would set up an e-mail account (free one through Yahoo or gmail, etc.) specifically for online dating. And do not put your last name in it. This will protect your privacy a bit. There are a lot of background check type of resources out there which can turn up your address if someone has your last name. Also, if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable, you can shut down (or not read/check that account.
GREAT responses. I will check into the large singles website, but I will try to not shy away from a "regular" dating site. I just want to start dating and don't seem to be having much success in my day to day life (I rarely go out clubbing or bar hopping). I haven't dated in a while and it's starting to get really hard. Thanks again for the replies.
I'm totally for online dating, but in my experience, you have to learn to not get easily discouraged. Lots of people aren't what you expect, even if you've talked on the phone with them for hours, even if you've exchanged pictures, etc.
I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half, and before we met I never specifically spelled out that I was overweight. She had seen pictures of me and read blog entries (we met on a blogging site) where I mentioned being fat, etc. So I know she wasn't surprised. It just didn't seem to flow into normal, natural conversation, and if she was surprised, she sure hid it well.
Anyway, my point is that there are men out there who will like you regardless of whether you are their normal, physical type. There's no harm in dating someone who is into BBWs, but I'd personally be a little wary of joining a site specifically geared for that audience. I'm sure it works for some people though, and let us know how it goes for you!
I went ahead an posted a personal ad on a site (in lieu of a dating site or a specific BBW site). I got a lot of responses. I didn't post a pic and didn't reveal my stats One reply REALLY piqued my interest so I e-mailed him back. I sent him a face and body shot so he can see for himself that I'm, eh hem, voluptuous. I did let him know that I'm getting back into being more active since he mentioned his interest in working out. I've got to start somewhere, right?
I'm totally for online dating, but I've found myself against the BBW thing. A friend of mine (who is a "bigger" girl) suggested it to me last night because I had made a comment that the last guy I went on a date with was a dud. I feel that if I were to go on a BBW site, that I'm simply limiting myself to these people who like "bigger" girls. In that sense, I think that allows the seekers to be just as bad as guys who only go for "thin" girls. I also think that sites such as those seem to put all of these girls together who more likely than not (not all of them I know) have self esteem problems and are just looking for love. There are so many predators out there that will feed off of the insecurities of one person to make themselves feel better.
I know alot of people are like that and I really shouldnt' condem things like BBW but I like to put myself out there as who I am, not what I am. I use websites that have both "types" of people on it.
I don't know. The internet as a whole is a scary place
Not all of the men on the BBW sites, do only prefer BBW women. I didn't know this until I met my husband.
I met my husband through the "regular" personal ads through a local newspaper (with an option to place a picture on the newspaper's personal ad website). I placed an ad on both the site and in the paper. The replies were made by phone to a secure private voicemail.
He replied to my ad, and I returned his call several weeks later. I really hadn't intended to reply to his message, because he didn't seem like my type. When I did call, we hit it off immediately, and spent hours on the phone every night talking. The weekend we met in person, my husband had been planning on attending a BBW event he'd been invited to, but canceled to meet me. He originally invited me to the event, but I was not going to meet a stranger, in a strange city at a hotel singles event.
On our date I asked him about the BBW events as I'd never been to one. As it turns out, he hadn't either, but he saw the event advertised on a BBW dating site, and had been chatting with several of the women on the site who were encouraging him to attend the event. STRONGLY encouraging him to attend. I asked him about his preferences, and he said he liked women of all sizes, and had visited several dating sites, including the BBW sites. He said it was very easy (and flattering) being a man on the BBW sites. He got tons more replies to his ads on the BBW site than the regular sites (probably due, in part, to his size as he's a very big guy).
Whether you choose a "regular" dating site or a specialty site such as the BBW sites, I think the only way to (help) insure that you get a guy who has flexible preferences is to ask. Asking for what you want doesn't guarantee, but does increase your chances of getting it. I placed my ad, listing all of my vitals, including my weight, age, height (and photo on the website) along with the fact I was dieting, and wanted a man who would be ok with my weight whether I lost it or not. I also mentioned that I wouldn't be opposed to a man who was heavy or dieting himself.
My husband said that he loved that about my ad, because many of the girls on the BBW sites only want the "studly" looking guys. Because the BBW sites attract a lot of men, the women can be way choosier, and are often, just like men, choose by shallow reasons.
It was very interesting to see a guys perspective on dating sites, including all the insecurities.
Whether you choose a "regular" dating site or a specialty site such as the BBW sites, I think the only way to (help) insure that you get a guy who has flexible preferences is to ask. Asking for what you want doesn't guarantee, but does increase your chances of getting it. I placed my ad, listing all of my vitals, including my weight, age, height (and photo on the website) along with the fact I was dieting, and wanted a man who would be ok with my weight whether I lost it or not. I also mentioned that I wouldn't be opposed to a man who was heavy or dieting himself.
My husband said that he loved that about my ad, because many of the girls on the BBW sites only want the "studly" looking guys. Because the BBW sites attract a lot of men, the women can be way choosier, and are often, just like men, choose by shallow reasons.
It was very interesting to see a guys perspective on dating sites, including all the insecurities.
If nothing comes of this ad that I posted, I will try again with a revised posting, listing my stats and the fact that I'm in the process of getting back into shape. I really think online dating can help me with my confidence again. Even though I have only read the responses, I was happy to have some prospects again. I hope I can get a date out of it.
I'm totally for online dating, but I've found myself against the BBW thing. A friend of mine (who is a "bigger" girl) suggested it to me last night because I had made a comment that the last guy I went on a date with was a dud. I feel that if I were to go on a BBW site, that I'm simply limiting myself to these people who like "bigger" girls. In that sense, I think that allows the seekers to be just as bad as guys who only go for "thin" girls. I also think that sites such as those seem to put all of these girls together who more likely than not (not all of them I know) have self esteem problems and are just looking for love. There are so many predators out there that will feed off of the insecurities of one person to make themselves feel better.
I know alot of people are like that and I really shouldnt' condem things like BBW but I like to put myself out there as who I am, not what I am. I use websites that have both "types" of people on it.
I don't know. The internet as a whole is a scary place
That's an excellent point. I'm sure there are some predators on the BBW sites.
I think it's important for a woman dating, no matter where she's dating, to learn how to spot losers and predators, because they're everywhere. They may be in higher percentages online in general and some sites in particular, but there's plenty of them in the real world too. It's why I never liked meeting men in bars, because I only seemed to meet drunk guys there.
Google "safe dating," "online dating precautions," and similar phrases, and you'll get tons of great advice, but in a nutshell, it all boils down to being cautious, skeptical, and patient. Pat attention to your instincts, but give "bad feelings" ten times the credence of "good feelings." If you like the guy, that's fine, but don't let it tempt you to let your guard done. However, if you find something suspicious or get a bad feeling about the guy, trust it, even if you don't have a "good reason" for it. Don't give out information that will make you easy to find in the real world until you're ready to meet. You assume that the guy is a jerk and a liar. You verify as much of the information he gives you as possible. You spend a LOT of time getting to know him before you meet in person....
I agree that there are a lot of men out there looking for women with low self esteem. Some have low self esteem themselves, some have a "white knight" complex where they enjoy rescuing damsels (not as good a thing as it sounds) and some are twisted freaks looking for victims. If you feel you have low self esteem, counseling might be a good idea, before dating, because your best protection against losers is confidence and self worth.
On the subject, I have to say that when I met my husband in person, I was still looking for flaws, and deciding whether they were ones I could live with. The one major concern I did have, was that he might have the white knight syndrome. Many of his previous girlfriends, he had "rescued" in one way or another, and I made it very clear I didn't need rescuing, and was very independent. Sometimes "white knights" leave women when they're no longer needed, and I was looking for signs of that. He had never left his needy women, they left him when they no longer needed him. Still, I was very careful to make sure that his need to be needed wasn't pathological.
We had a bit of a whirlwind courtship, in that we married only 13 months after meeting, though we spent no more than 10 days in all of that time without seeing each other, and maybe only 5 of those without speaking to each other on the phone. We've been together 5 years and have a great marriage, but even with that being said, my suspicions were not without warrant. I do not fear infidelity from my husband, but he is a giant PAIN IN THE BUTT, when it comes to being helpful. He's the kind of guy that will walk into a room, take a pickle jar out of your hand and open it, looking all pleased with himself and expecting praise, when you tell him you were actually CLOSING the jar when he came in. His need to be helpful and nurturing is both his greatest strenght and greatest weakness. My husband likewise, was not quite prepared for a woman so independent that asking if I needed help was likely to instigate an argument.
Which is a wandering story to get to my point that you have to know what your "deal breakers" are. Know what you need, what you desire and how badly you want it, and know what annoyances you can and can't live with - for the long haul. Don't compromise on the important things, and make sure the unimportant things won't drive you crazy.
Online dating: specific BBW sites?
). But are these guys just preying on larger women who may have self-esteem issues? Are there any good BBW sites out there comparable to the more well known match.com?
One reply REALLY piqued my interest so I e-mailed him back. I sent him a face and body shot so he can see for himself that I'm, eh hem, voluptuous. I did let him know that I'm getting back into being more active since he mentioned his interest in working out. I've got to start somewhere, right?
I hope I can get a date out of it.
