Scotch and Humor
 

:lol:

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the **** is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

That was hysterical!!!! My Christmas dinners have never been that exciting - :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:rofl: That is tooooo funny !!

A second grader asked her mother the age-old question,
"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
'Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex
in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!"

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
the limit),a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with

a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that

Classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your

hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the

cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what

does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by

inserting one finger, then I work my

way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand

in.



I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I

Slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what

the **** do you do with a 6 foot a*shole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS.

Best Blonde Joke Of The Year So Far


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.



The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.



The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror,looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.



"Here it is," she said.



The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

:lol3:

Bwahahahahahah! :rofl:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject : Punny...

You know, puns that are funny

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (LOVE this one!!)

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Driving with Penguins
While on patrol, a California State Police Officer spotted a car with two penguins in the back. He pulled the car over and told the driver that he'd have to take the penguins to the local zoo.

A couple weeks later the officer passed the same car and again saw the penguins in the back seat. He pulled the car over and was shocked to discover that the penguins were wearing bathing suits and sunglasses.

He demanded to know why the penguins had not been taken to the zoo.

The driver replied, "I did take them to the zoo. Today we're going to the beach."

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

Sobriety Test

A cop pulls over a driver from Quebec whom he suspects has been drinking, so he decides to ask him a few questions to determine his sobriety.

Cop: How many days of the week start with T.?
Driver: Two.....today and tomorrow
Cop: How many seconds in a year?
Driver: 12....January 2nd..February 2nd..March 2nd......etc.
So the cop figures this guy is strange but his answers aren't really wrong. He gives it one last try.
Cop: I want you to make up a sentence with the words "defence, defeat and detail" all in the same sentence.
The guy thinks about it for a couple minutes........
When a horse jumps over de fence, de feet go before de tail.
He was sent on his way.

:rofl:

How to weigh yourself correctly
 

How to weigh yourself and get the most accurate result.
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES



Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the ****
happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut
her up with cookies.



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-




A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-



Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-



My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-



A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-



The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-



Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-



Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-



I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at
once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.

-Catherine-





I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-



If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-



I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-



When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country..

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.

-Gloria Steinem-



Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

:lol3: Those are so good, Ilene. :rofl:

:lol3:

Aren't they great! AND OH so TRUE!!! :rofl: They would be nothing without US !! :yes:

Cake Or Bed....

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts, "honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now" He Looks At Her And Says Angrily; "fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!" The Wife Asks, "well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right." To Which He Replied, "fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So." Fine, She Says, "then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?" They're About To Break." "i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says. "does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out. As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed. "honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?" She Said, "well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.he Offered To Do The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."

He Said, "so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?" She Replied, "hellooooo.......do You See Bettie Crocker Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JULY 30th. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 > > PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat > > and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel > > Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 > > PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, > > Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Ilene and Ellis, those are BOTH great!!!!!

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

I think I could benefit from this class. :lol:

:rofl: ... Those are great Ellis!!

Hannah -- Me TOO! But that's the only one, of course!!

Walk Behind Your Husband


Barbara Walters (20/20) did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years ago before the Afghan conflict. She highlighted
how women objected to the custom of having to walk about 5 paces
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still
walked behind their husbands, walked even further back, and
appeared pleased with the custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, "Why
do you now seem happy with this old custom that you tried so hard to
change?"

"Land mines." answered the Afghan woman.

:lol3:

I love the Cake one!

Solar

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.


9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..


6. Elvis is leaving the building.


5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.


3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with

Venus.



And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....



1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Funny!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHA you guys are SO funny!

SOJO Girl and others - I just came to from reading the Christmas story and the rest of this post, I am in pain :p , not sure if it is from my ab workout this morning or the story or both. What visions.

Senior citizens - :-)

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what
you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening
you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes,
starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20
bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.

"Get serious," she replies...."Four times in the rocking chair. "

We Love them anyway!
 

1.Men are like....Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh** out of you.

2.Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4.Men are like ......Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are l! ike ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like .....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like .....Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .....Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like ....Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like . ...Snowstorms ....You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like ....Parking Spots ....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
>a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Brunette team
>rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
> The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
>when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
>upstairs.
>
> She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top,
> she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the
>road,
> clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
> The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
>great time downstairs!"
>
> One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.......
> "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!"

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.


7. Feel better?

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags I won the lottery!"


The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says.

<<<

<<<

<<<

"Just get the **** out."

At last I can post a funny. It is a real life funny and involves Henry, my 6 year old Nephew...


He brought home a salt dough figure with a gaping hole in its chest. His parents asked what it was. His reply? "It is Daddy with his hole in the heart"....

Apparently they had told him recently that my Brother had a hole in the heart!

Ooooh, Peahen! That is the sweetest! :lol:

:lol: Kids can be so funny!

Donna - those were great, I am going to pass them on to my friends :rofl: