Subject: Why Canadians are So Tired


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear wax build-up,poor
blood or anything else I could think of. Now I've found out the real reason
I'm tired, it's because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of Canada is 30 million.

11 million are retired, that leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving
10.5 million to do the work.

1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing Terrorists,
which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city
Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

At any given time,there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000
to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment
Insurance and Welfare.


That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your can, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this
variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
" Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type
supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian
type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole
hills."

A 90 year old man went to see his doctor. He said, "I feel fine. I have a
24 year old wife who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of
that?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "I have an elderly friend who
is very fond of hunting, in fact he never misses a season. One day he left
to go hunting and mistakenly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. He
went out in the woods and saw a beaver sitting on the bank of the river. He
picked up his umbrella, pointed it at the beaver, said 'bang bang', and
the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90 year old man said, "I think somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

Job Interview
 

A guy goes to the Australian Post Office to apply for a job. The
interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment,"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Those were all great jokes!

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform
sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems
to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another
year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed
and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What
did you say '1, 2, 3' for?

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so
clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey,
guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner"
are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than
your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's
a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil *****es. Don't mess with them!

Those were really good :rofl: !!!

:lol3: Oh, lordy, Ilene... :rofl:

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia


Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those *******s will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those *******s myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as ****, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

DEPORT HER TO NORTH AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

CANADIAN WOMEN ..

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America

He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes
and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Canadian Women

The Curtain Rod
 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of cariar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the hsuband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everyting: cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, the could take the stench no longer and decided to move out. A month later, even though they cut their price in have, they couldn't find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money to buy a new house.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to redcuce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delviered thepaperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....including the curtain rods.

I had heard that one before, I LOVE it!! Sweeet revenge!!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blond."

"I thought so," the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken."

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I'vegot everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says, "The airbag."

The Lotus & the Mishpokheh* - The Principles of Jewish Buddhism

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

6. If there is no Self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

12. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are 10,000 flowers. Each flower
blossoms 10,000 times. Each blossom has 10,000 petals. You might want to see a specialist.

13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes*!

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with; she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her *** that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

:lol: :lol: Jessica !!

Subject: Speech Therapy

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


* Indubitably


* Preliminary


* Proliferation


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK


* Specificity


* Antidisestablishmentarianism


* Loquacious


* Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex


* Nope, no more booze for me


* Sorry, but you're not really my type


* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Jessica and Ilene! :rofl: those were great!:D

Long overdue for the gyno visit
 

A woman had not been to the gynecologist for years and her daughter (in her 20's) was really hounding her to go and finally talked her into seeing her gyn. "He's really nice and gentle and listens. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." So after much nagging, the mother makes the appointment with her daughters doctor.

The morning of the appointment, the mother very anxious, showered, shaved her legs, powdered and just felt so nervous and wanted to be as fresh as possible. Finally with much apprehension, she left for her appointment.

When the daughter came over that night she asked her mom how everything went. The mother seemed a little upset and said, " I was very uncomfortable with a comment your doctor made to me." The daughter couldn't imagine what the doctor could have said. He was always polite an professional. "Well mom, what did he say to upset you?" The mother responded " he was in the middle of the examination and looked up and said "you didn't have to dress up for me'' The daughter at that point was quite shocked and confused. Well, what do you do, and why would he say that?" The mother told her how she showered, shaved, powdered and mentioned that she even used the daughters FDS(feminine deodorant spray) as a final measure of freshness, to which the daughter responded "I don't have FDS" What a surprise when the mother went into the bathroom to fetch the can of FDS and realized she had used ....glitter hair spray.... :lol:

:lol3: @ Donna

RE: WHY?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough money to begin with?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it
like your wife told you to do it?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they are okay, then it's you.

Donna - :rofl:

Ilene - why do people walk up to the elevator and press the button even though the button is lit up so it is obvious that it has already been pressed and people are already standing waiting for the elevator to show up?

And why do people press the elevator button 3 or 4 times? Do they think the elevator will come faster if you press the button over and over? :?:

Maux --- It's so true, WHY do we do those things?? :?:

The Farmer and his Donkey...

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-...mer-donkey.swf

Okay, it took me until my second year of college to figure out that if I was on the fifth floor and wanted to ride the elevator down to the 1st floor that I should press the call button with the down arrow. I was pressing the up arrow call button because I wanted the elevator to come "up" to where I was so I could then ride down.

Tiki.

It was fun being a Baby Boomer... til now!

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us Aging Baby Boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"

Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"

Elvis "Heartbreak Hospice"

Dylan "Like A Kidney Stone"

Queen "We WERE the Champions"

Beatles "With a Little Help From My Meds"

Dion "Limparound Sue"

The Rolling Stones "Limping-Jack Flash"

Tony Orlando "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall"

Helen Reddy "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"

Willie Nelson "On the Throne Again"

John Prine "Pink Cataract "

John Denver "Rocky Mountain High (Fiber)"

Lesley Gore "It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want to!"

:rofl: Good ones!

10 Ways To Know If You Have "estrogen Issues":
 

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. :dunno:

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet :chef:

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. :eek:

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. ;)

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" :callme:

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. :mad:

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." :dizzy:

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. :yikes:

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. :rolleyes:

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. :dz:

:rofl: :lol3:

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
 

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

:D

Not side splitting but - this was on a birthday card I am sending my brother!



(Nun to Mother superior) "We've got a case of syphilis in the convent".

(Mother Superior to Nun). "Thank God - I'm sick of Beaujolais!"

:lol:

>>Subject: Pun-off winners a.k.a. groaners
>>
>>1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
>>stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
>>allowed per passenger."
>>
>>2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

>>"Dam!".
>>
>>3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
>>craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

>>kayak and heat it too.
>>
>>4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
>>says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>>
>>5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
>>canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
>>
>>6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
>>the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
>>hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
>>why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
>>chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>>
>>7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

>>family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

>>they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
>>birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
>>wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
>>twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>>
>>8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
>>small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
>>from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
>>was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
>>He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
>>rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in

>>town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
>>their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
>>they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>>
>>9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
>>produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
>>little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
>>from bad breath. This made him....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
>>good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>>
>>10. And finally,... There was the person who sent ten different puns to
>>his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
>>laugh. No pun in ten did!

My favorite is the Buddhist at the dentist. HA!

Rofl - terrible, yet funny!