Not side splitting but - this was on a birthday card I am sending my brother!



(Nun to Mother superior) "We've got a case of syphilis in the convent".

(Mother Superior to Nun). "Thank God - I'm sick of Beaujolais!"

:lol:

>>Subject: Pun-off winners a.k.a. groaners
>>
>>1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
>>stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
>>allowed per passenger."
>>
>>2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

>>"Dam!".
>>
>>3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
>>craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

>>kayak and heat it too.
>>
>>4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
>>says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>>
>>5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
>>canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
>>
>>6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
>>the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
>>hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
>>why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
>>chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>>
>>7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

>>family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

>>they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
>>birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
>>wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
>>twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>>
>>8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
>>small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
>>from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
>>was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
>>He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
>>rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in

>>town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
>>their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
>>they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>>
>>9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
>>produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
>>little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
>>from bad breath. This made him....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
>>good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>>
>>10. And finally,... There was the person who sent ten different puns to
>>his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
>>laugh. No pun in ten did!

My favorite is the Buddhist at the dentist. HA!

Rofl - terrible, yet funny!

A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services
as a
"handy woman" and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any
odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
were
in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The next installment of "Survivor" t.v show
 

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with
1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

****

There is no access to fast food.

****

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

****

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE.

*****

They must attend weekly PTA meetings;

Clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. ;

make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;

and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

*****

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

*****

The last man wins...

only if...

he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

*****

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again

for the next 18-25 years...

eventually earning the right to be called...

"Mother."

:rofl:

:rofl: Mauvais, too bad you didn't have that joke up on Mother's Day !!

Not funny, but perhaps interesting
 

I copied some of these jokes to my boyfriend who replied:

Why is it funny when women abuse their men? Is it because the reverse
is taboo? Is it that female anger is still considered amusing,
trivialized, lumped in with "that time of the month" jokes. I don't
find it amusing. I know what kind of damage you or lots of women I know
hold back from, same as men. Maybe it's the collective unconscious that
is slowly trying to swing back the world to a more matriarchal place,
where women are less forgiving of the silly men building nuclear d*cks,
holding onto power at any cost because of silly whispers about
maintaining dominant monkey status, etc..

He gives me great hope.

Hey, if we didn't laugh about these things we'd cry :lol:

Your BF sounds pretty progressive! :D

he's special, that's for sure :dizzy:

This is great! For those who feel they have an award winning novel inside them!

Here at CUNNING PLANS PLC the Gruntmaster 3000 Instant Classic
Literature Software creates Bodice-ripping books for the Train-station
commuter of discernment.

We offer a system free from authors who wear far too much makeup & keep
nasty little dogs.

Plot lines filched wholesale off Billy Shakespeare as he has been dead
over 50 years therefore public domain.

Locations will be invariably set in a 19th Century Plantation hospital
with an attached prison camp bordered with Magnolias.

Output format as paperback, or downloadable PDF & .lit format or on
Memory card for use in PDA or mobile phone.



Here are some of the classic romantic similes created so far

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 storeys, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy! comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.

OMIGOSH!!!! I am ROTMFFLMAO at this! My boss also writes so I had to send it to him.

Tiki.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman:: "I froze to death.."
2nd woman:: "How horrible!"
1st woman:: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman:: " I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.".
1st woman:: " So what happened?"
2nd woman:: " I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman:: " Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

:rofl: :lol3: