Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with; she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her *** that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

:lol: :lol: Jessica !!

Subject: Speech Therapy

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


* Indubitably


* Preliminary


* Proliferation


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK


* Specificity


* Antidisestablishmentarianism


* Loquacious


* Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex


* Nope, no more booze for me


* Sorry, but you're not really my type


* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Jessica and Ilene! :rofl: those were great!:D

Long overdue for the gyno visit
 

A woman had not been to the gynecologist for years and her daughter (in her 20's) was really hounding her to go and finally talked her into seeing her gyn. "He's really nice and gentle and listens. You have nothing to be embarrassed about." So after much nagging, the mother makes the appointment with her daughters doctor.

The morning of the appointment, the mother very anxious, showered, shaved her legs, powdered and just felt so nervous and wanted to be as fresh as possible. Finally with much apprehension, she left for her appointment.

When the daughter came over that night she asked her mom how everything went. The mother seemed a little upset and said, " I was very uncomfortable with a comment your doctor made to me." The daughter couldn't imagine what the doctor could have said. He was always polite an professional. "Well mom, what did he say to upset you?" The mother responded " he was in the middle of the examination and looked up and said "you didn't have to dress up for me'' The daughter at that point was quite shocked and confused. Well, what do you do, and why would he say that?" The mother told her how she showered, shaved, powdered and mentioned that she even used the daughters FDS(feminine deodorant spray) as a final measure of freshness, to which the daughter responded "I don't have FDS" What a surprise when the mother went into the bathroom to fetch the can of FDS and realized she had used ....glitter hair spray.... :lol:

:lol3: @ Donna

RE: WHY?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough money to begin with?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it
like your wife told you to do it?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they are okay, then it's you.

Donna - :rofl:

Ilene - why do people walk up to the elevator and press the button even though the button is lit up so it is obvious that it has already been pressed and people are already standing waiting for the elevator to show up?

And why do people press the elevator button 3 or 4 times? Do they think the elevator will come faster if you press the button over and over? :?:

Maux --- It's so true, WHY do we do those things?? :?:

The Farmer and his Donkey...

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-...mer-donkey.swf

Okay, it took me until my second year of college to figure out that if I was on the fifth floor and wanted to ride the elevator down to the 1st floor that I should press the call button with the down arrow. I was pressing the up arrow call button because I wanted the elevator to come "up" to where I was so I could then ride down.

Tiki.

It was fun being a Baby Boomer... til now!

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us Aging Baby Boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"

Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"

Elvis "Heartbreak Hospice"

Dylan "Like A Kidney Stone"

Queen "We WERE the Champions"

Beatles "With a Little Help From My Meds"

Dion "Limparound Sue"

The Rolling Stones "Limping-Jack Flash"

Tony Orlando "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall"

Helen Reddy "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"

Willie Nelson "On the Throne Again"

John Prine "Pink Cataract "

John Denver "Rocky Mountain High (Fiber)"

Lesley Gore "It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want to!"

:rofl: Good ones!

10 Ways To Know If You Have "estrogen Issues":
 

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. :dunno:

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet :chef:

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. :eek:

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. ;)

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" :callme:

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. :mad:

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." :dizzy:

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. :yikes:

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. :rolleyes:

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. :dz:

:rofl: :lol3:

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
 

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

:D