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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Hilarious!
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And YOU Thought You Had A Bad Day....
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. :dz: |
16 Will Get You 20...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today." :dz: |
:rofl: OMG!!! Hilarious !!
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Love the one about the Scottish coal miners! :lol3:
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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation -- just remember, it could have been worse.
These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations. > >1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and hasn't started to dig." > >2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." > >3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has been,' but more of a definite 'won't be'." > >4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." > >5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." > >7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." > >8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." > >9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." > >10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." > >11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." > >12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." > >13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." > >14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." > >15. "He's been working with glue too much." > >16. "He would argue with a signpost." > >17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." > >18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." > >19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. > >20. "A photographic memory but with the lens covee glued on." > >21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." > >22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." > >23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." > >24. "He's got two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." > >25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." > >26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." > >27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hearthe ocean." > >28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." > >29. "One neuron short of a synapse." > >30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." > >31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'." > >32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." |
True Bravery
True bravery is arriving home at 2 am after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom .....
and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or are you getting ready to fly somewhere?" :cool: |
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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The Farmers Pond...
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket high in the air, he told them, "I'm here to feed the alligator." :yikes: Moral: Age and wisdom will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. :^: |
Women & Apples
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. :D Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! However, Men are like grapes...... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the @$#% out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!! :lol: |
Women's Prayer vs. Man's Prayer
Women's Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. Says he'll call, and won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen. :cloud9: Man's Prayer I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat. Amen :dz: |
Jet Fuel Drunks
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as
airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all. Then the phone rings...its Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you? Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....." "Well, DON'T! 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!! :yikes: |
I just had my neurobiology exam, so I loved this one:
Quote:
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What A Liar!!
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex." In unison they all replied, "You win!" :D |
20 Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night...
20 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead, and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestl believe I could do it too. 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Fay Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago. 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work. 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me. 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher. 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy. 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin. 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..." 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap. 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink. 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight. |
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