Don't Kick The Animals!!
 

The Patrol Woman!!
 

A middle-aged woman was going through her mid-life crisis, so she went
out and bought herself a new bright red Porsche.

She decided to take her new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. She got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden she saw a highway patrolwoman with her blue lights and siren blaring coming up behind her. She decided she and her new Porsche would outrun the cop. So she sped up to 95 mph and then to 105 mph, but the officer was in hot pursuit. She finally came to her senses and said to herself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for
this," so she pulled over.

The patrolwoman came up to the car and told her, "It's been a long day and I'm tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So she told the officer, "Last night my husband ran off with a patrolwoman. When I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring him back."

The officer looked at her and said, "Have a nice day." http://www.improvingsex.com/smileys/police.gif

You may not know that nonliving things have Genders:
 

1) Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off it takes awhile to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tires: Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it, and, of course there's the hot air.

5) Sponges: Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass: Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer: Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but its handy to have around.

10) Remote Control: Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

:lol:, Donna!

…but the web page?
I’m thinking it's an hermaphrodite! :lol3:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to quire as to just exactly where the heart would be...... on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Blonde Joke For Today....
 

Never Say To A Cop....
 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

http://www.improvingsex.com/smileys/police.gifhttp://www.improvingsex.com/smileys/police.gifhttp://www.improvingsex.com/smileys/police.gifhttp://www.improvingsex.com/smileys/police.gif

Ten Top Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed To A Cheaper Hmo...
 

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. :dz:

(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park." :smoking:

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. :T:

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. :tired:

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is, "An
apple a day." :halfempty

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month. :mag:

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error. :hot:

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming." :eek:

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. :m:
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape!! :tape:

The love dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "

Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she said. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

:rofl:

Silly signs:

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that the re was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made th! e day be fore that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around
10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding th e balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The Sample...
 

:cp: Good ones gals, keep em comin :lol3: :rofl:

Chris