Scotch and humour!
 

Joke for Canadian chicks!

Why I am so tired....

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear wax build-up, poor
blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked! Here's why:

The population of Canada Is 30 million. 11 million are retired. That
leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 10.5 million to do the work!

1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.
Which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city
Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000
to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.

That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ***, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Ooooooh... what a GROANER!! :lol:

lol. :)

>The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
>The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor
>of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before
>I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
>request?"
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>
>The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
>whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
>evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As
>the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
>spends the night.
>
>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
>very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What's
>your second request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
>him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
>off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
>evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with
a
>voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
>the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
>indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What
>is your last request?"
>
>The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
>
>The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
>Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both
>ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
>
>"Listen very carefully ....
>
>for the last time ....
>
>I said.....
>
>"BRING A POSSE!"

chuckles.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I think I peed alittle :rofl:

The 10 Worst Album Covers

http://www.kersbergen.com/temp/worstalbumcovers.html

Celibacy
 

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by environmental encounter.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife, Peg,
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower??

Walter leaned over, touched Peg's arm and gently whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy...

What's that lump sticking out of "Tino's" pocket, Jennifer? :rofl:

Noodles, I love it. :lol:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Oh.....my.......god........

Those are toooo funny! I love Joyce's album cover the best I think. And a real bargain at only 50 cents. Whaaaa haaaaaaa.

Whoooo hhooooooo my day just got better.

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him
down for a little fireside chat......
He says "Jack, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and
handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she
did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,
'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to
Jill, "Here try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and! hands them to Jack and says,
"Here you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ***
attitude, you never will."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: What is with that McKeithern woman's giant hairdo??? Make that a hairDON"T! :rofl:

Great one Jessica - the modern woman's answer to such a dumb *** man :rofl:

Funny!!!!!!!!!!!

hilarious. :)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

("Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking.") :lol:

Boyfriend 1.0
 

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and personal Attention 6.5. And then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHl 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Naggin 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. what can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperated:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 1.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2 which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: What everyou do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program. but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Sexy Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Baked Beans
 

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunatley, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. when it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made a supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home form work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way home she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end fo her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,apologizing for taking so long,he asked her if she had peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the talbe to wish her a Happy Birthday"

OMG, Irish! Can you imagine?? :rofl:


With all the sadness and trauma of today's world, it is worth reflecting on
the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the
age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

:rofl: :rofl:

Good Ones Irish. i think they cloned my hubby for 1.0. perhaps i need an upgrade? lol ;)

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a
beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down
the beach. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to
her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At 7 the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a
very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this
time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: hee-hee-hee. I could really see the visuals on the hokey-pokey!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

These jokes are tooooo much...:rofl:

:rofl: those were great!

:rofl: :rofl: pooped a christmas tree. too funny

Five tips for a woman....


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.


3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
you.


4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Mental Health
 

Merry that was cute. i want my four men!! lol

Noodles : :rofl: I almost peed my pants. :dizzy:

:rofl:

The Rope

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to
fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting
anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.

:rofl: Love it!

:rofl: those were hilarious!

ellis- that was one smart woman! :D

:rofl: hahahaha................

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.


Beware of...

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus.... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus.....(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

:lol:

Although I've seen this before, I thought I'd post it anyway:

Food and Exercise Logic

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ....! .. Cocoa beans .... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

:lol: Yeah, we should all be sticks by now if that all worked! Specially the cookie is a vegetable!

:lol: