:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Love it!!!!

One you can tell your kids...
 

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took
her faithful pet golden retriever along for company. One day, the golden
retriever starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers
that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The golden retriever
thinks, "OK, I'm in deep **** now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground
close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard. "That was close. That golden retriever nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the golden retriever
saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the golden retriever sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the golden retriever says.....................

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Too funny. Wish I were that smart.

:lol3:

Oh that is soooo cute, I can't think that quick either...

:rofl: :lol: :lol3: :D

lol, good ones. pretty smart lil' dog.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

:D

This isn't exactly humor, but I didnn't know where else to post it... :smug:

Life That Matters

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

Mauvais. laughed my *** off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noodles, very true.

> A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde,
tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
> The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
> Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if
I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's
attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she
plays, agrees to the game.
> The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
> The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
> "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn". She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
> The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he
sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
> The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
> The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, Well, what's the answer?"
> Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
5.00, and goes back to sleep.
>
>

:lol3: