GOOD ONES!!!!!

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun
rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just
laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the
chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.


The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy
walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35
ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"
"It's a kitty willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

I always did like cat stories! ROPFLOLPIMP!
My Dad would have loved that one.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

A good friend sent this to me and I thought i would share it with you.... Robin

Random Thoughts

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"

:lol: Good ones Mauvais & Silverdove

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :lol: I love this thread!! :lol:


A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the next few years, the woman regularly tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After ten years, she returned to the surgeon with two problems:

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn The Knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

I love it. My Dad told me a version of that joke many years ago except it was for a guy who had his skin tightened. The punch line was "And look at my jazzy necktie". LMAO!
I love starting the day with a giggle.

HAHAHA!! The guy version is hilarious!!!

My husband is not happy with my mood swings.

The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*#king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

:lol:

heheheheheheh! love it Jessica :)

:lol:

lmao!!!~ all those are just so hilarous...made for a funny day at work..and the others enjoyed them as well : )

Exercise is Good For You

It is well documented that for
every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the **** she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

:D

Cute! :lol:

:lol:
This one is so true for ME, Karen...

"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to North Dakota. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

:lol: good one!