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mauvaisroux 08-13-2003 03:23 PM

Scotch and Humour thread
 
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of
eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the
fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do >them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family.
Valium and Ritalin would do you good.


5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of
your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of
yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

:lol:

Wonder what it means if you enjoy your oreos with a wee dram o' Whiskey? :chin:

Wildfire 08-13-2003 04:32 PM

I am NOT a prima donna! :snooty: I am a queen. :queen:

Hubby is a #1, though he is responsible. He has been known to eat two entire cookies at once. Wonder what that makes him? :lol:

ellis 08-13-2003 05:29 PM

I guess I'm a prima donna. Can't be having two queens; now, can we? :D
However, when I've been forced to eat Oreos, I'm a #7. Practically a mass murderer.

rochemist 08-13-2003 06:14 PM

ME TOO ELLIS!
 
Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of
yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

And I always thought I was so nice leaving all the cookies sans filling for my hubby!

Miss Chris:devil:

Lidian 08-13-2003 09:02 PM

Different methods for different situations...the whole thing at once if I am having one fast in the kitchen before anyone sees me in the cookie tin. Normal bites if I am having a couple, am in the house alone, and am trying not to feel guilty about eating them (hence eating them in a boring way). Twist, then inside, then cookie - instinctive way, hence deviant nature! Little bites and nibbles if having only one (hence guilty) & am trying to make it last.

All of which means...multiple personalities? Seriously conflicted guilt-ridden, angst-filled? A co-dependent cookie eater who bases her Oreo technique upon the presence and/or needs of others (how many should I leave? will they COUNT the Oreos later and KNOW I had some? etc etc)

Ironically, after all this, I don't really care about Oreos - if they are there I like them...but it's chocolate chip cookies that turn MY crank, and they are simpler to deal with than sandwich cookies (multi-layered as they are).

Lidian:)

rochemist 08-13-2003 10:49 PM

Mauvis, You really opened a can of worms girl ;-)

Miss Chris

Ruthxxx 08-18-2003 11:19 AM

Via TallTracy88
 
I usually try not to be too cynical but this one is soooo true!
The Voice of Experience

"Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with."

mauvaisroux 08-18-2003 12:24 PM

:lol: Good one!

dentrassi 08-18-2003 11:39 PM

FUNNY!!!!!!!

Goddess Jessica 08-21-2003 11:51 AM

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.
I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````````````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
```````````````````````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will
monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````````````````````

dentrassi 08-21-2003 08:12 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

mauvaisroux 08-22-2003 07:54 AM

Those were great Jessica!~ :lol:

mauvaisroux 08-27-2003 07:58 PM

A man and his wife were outside working in the backyard. The man was cleaning the BBQ Grill and the wife was kneeling on the ground pulling weeds from the garden when her husband turned to her and said " Say hon, your butt seems to be getting bigger."

The wife gave him a dirty look and said " I don't think so dear" in a withering tone.

But the husband insisted " Yeah it is. It is almost as wide as this BBQ grill! Look I'll measure it". So he took out his measuring tape and much to his wife's annoyance measured her butt and the grill. "See" said the husband smugly, "I was right, you butt is as big as this grill". His wife pointedly ignored him and continued her gardening.

Later on that night as the couple were settling into bed for the night the husband, feeling frisky, snuggled up to his wife and started stroking her butt.

" Not tonight, dear" said the wife. " Oh come on honey" he whispered in her ear. Whereupon the wife said "I'm not going to fire up this big ole grill just for one little weenie!"

ellis 08-27-2003 08:36 PM

ooooh... that's a good one... snort. :lol:

dentrassi 08-28-2003 02:10 PM

I LOVE that one!!!

sflake 08-28-2003 08:34 PM

Moth Exterminator

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *******s."

ellis 08-28-2003 09:16 PM

:lol: Good one, Sflake.

dentrassi 08-28-2003 11:17 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Talk about quick thinking!!!!

twodogmom 08-31-2003 07:23 PM

ROTFLMAO at some of these!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here's a story for you....kinda long but worth reading!

The Blimp - Author Unknown

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal! Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3ft diameter. We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling. It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three year old girl loved it.

We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly. Let's face it, blimps are fun. Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating.I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises. The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently,and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed. In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke.

That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil.

Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the considerable strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident.

When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed.

About 500 years later I fell asleep.

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now lurking in the walk-in closet as she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her face.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the Internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

ellis 08-31-2003 07:34 PM

Twodog, that is GREAT!! :lol:

ellis 09-01-2003 11:11 PM

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

sflake 09-02-2003 08:09 AM

hehehe...good one!

sflake 09-02-2003 05:42 PM

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. Some of
the winners:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it's always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, and, because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

ellis 09-02-2003 06:40 PM

snort. :lol:

mauvaisroux 09-02-2003 06:42 PM

:lol: Good ones Ellis and SFlake! :lol:

dentrassi 09-02-2003 11:21 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Good ones!!!

squeaker 09-03-2003 08:14 AM

:lol: I gotta stop reading these at work.


Here is one, though it really isn't very PC, that my sister sent.

Today's Ebonic word: OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence .

"I should pop yo *** fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

sflake 09-03-2003 08:18 AM

hehehe good one squeak :)

twodogmom 09-03-2003 08:34 AM

HaHaHa!! I love this thread!! Thanks for the smiles and laughs!!!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ellis 09-03-2003 08:56 AM

heh heh. I'd never heard of "Ebonics" before. I mean the actual WORD.

dentrassi 09-03-2003 09:14 AM

That's because you live in Ottawa!!

ellis 09-03-2003 09:22 AM

Is that a good thing or a bad? :D

mauvaisroux 09-03-2003 09:24 AM

It's a good thing :)

dentrassi 09-03-2003 09:26 AM

It just IS!! It is a good thing, except that it maynot be the best place to learn Ebonics!!!

sflake 09-03-2003 09:28 AM

I hear that in some schools they actually want to teach it as another language.

sflake 09-03-2003 05:23 PM

Crazy Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because
the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice
"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she
took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and
said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, Good
grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again

ellis 09-03-2003 06:15 PM

Oh my gosh, Sflake. :lol:

sflake 09-03-2003 06:27 PM

sorry, was that too much?

squeaker 09-03-2003 06:59 PM

That was great Sflake!!!! :lol:

sflake 09-03-2003 07:24 PM

Glad you like it, I don't want to offend anyone. :)


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