:lol: That was hilarious sflake!

It WAS hilarious, Sflake! I just wasn't expecting that kind of ending. heh heh. I sent it to a few crude friends whom I knew would appreciate it. (as much as I did :lol: )

sflake, I just spit a mouthfull of water all over my monitor!!!! OMG that was funny...and unexpected ending!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: I will learn not to be drinking anything while I'm reading this thread!!! :lol: :lol:

VERY FUNNY!!!!!! That is one of the great things about Alternachicks, nothing is really over the top here!!! Just got the biggest grin on my face when I read that!!! DH and I make sick jokes about sex in our senior years all the time (a la "I don't remember who you are, but I sure appreciate the visit!!!)

ROFLMAO!

Tongue and cheek humor http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

Miss Chris

FUNNY SITE CHRIS!! Have you seen the fake White House site?

LMAO At the breathalizer joke! I am forwarding that one to some folks who work in those situations. Too darn funny!

:wave:SFLAKE~Ur Crazy Ethel made me P my pants,,That was a good one ROFLMAO................:joker: :joker: :joker:..........GOFISHIN:dancer:

Finally a Barbie I can relate to.

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a
bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, andlarge-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the NapaValley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "GettingIn Touchwith Your Inner Self" is included.


:)

:lol: Haven't seen that one in a while, Sflake... I love it! :lol:

You know what's really disgusting? Those Barbie "type" dolls with the baby in the stomach. Makes me gag. The front of the stomach pops off so that you can remove the baby. yuck!!

I haven't seen that, and I'm glad. Have fun tomorrow :)

Thanks Sflake! Wish you were here with us!! :grouphug:

~~~~~~~~~~~

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and see a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

LMAO good one Ellis, wish I was there too! :D
hehehe maybe I should get a ribbon for dh. :shrug:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's rear end."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . .. . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

I could answer all of these for you (of course pushing the elevator button multiple times makes it come faster), but I think alot could be summed up in one word Marijuana.

GOOD ONES!
Miss Chris

heh heh heh. Thanks, Twodog. :lol:

FUNNY!! DS13 loved 'em too!!!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.



10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Good Ones Ellis and Mauvais!! I could really relate to some of the Estrogen Issues list!!!!

:lol: I love these!! I can especially relate to the 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" list this week!!

Yeah well number 6 looks about right for me - :lol:

Happy little fly

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate. And ate...and then she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She thought if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

Dead Fly....
.
.
.
The moral of this sad story?
.
.
.
Ready?
.
.
.
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of ****!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to send that one to a few people!!!!!

hehehe re:estrogen issues mark me down for # 1 & 6

Good one 2dog!! :D

I am taking the estrogen list with me to the doc next time we need to discuss my meds!

Miss Chris

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! (Good idea, actually!!!)

Real Groaners! Sorry!
 

Friend Rob sent me these to cheer me up.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?

Re: Real Groaners! Sorry!
 

I like this one! Who would have figured.

Miss Chris

Word Play
 

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

:lol: These are ALL great. But I was giggling at work again thanks to Ruthxxx. ;)

Ruth and Jessica-GREAT ones!!!! DS13 LOVED the electrons joke!!!! (ME TOO!!!)

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It costs him $500,000.He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old man on a moped pulls upnext to him. The old man looks over at the sleek,shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 195 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up! to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

Very cute :lol:

FUNNY!!!!!

UNDIES
 

THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story
of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Thanks Ruth, I just spit water all over my monitor :D

:lol: That was hilarious! :lol:

Good one Ruth!! :lol:


This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A lone hitchhiker was on the side of a lonely country road, trying to hitch a ride on a very dark night in the middle of a driving rainstorm. The night passed slowly as only a few cars went by. The storm was so fierce that he could hardly see ten feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reactively, the guy jumped into the car, closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he'd plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched that same hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits, leaped from the car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. The bar fell silent when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About a half an hour later, Ole and Lena walked into the same bar.

Ole said to Lena," Look, Lena, dat's da guy who yumped in and rode in our car ven ve vas pushin' it in da rain!"

:lol: Thank you, girls. :lol: