Bumper Stickers


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight!"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Oh, very good, ellis! I need a few of them!

Sorry, it was all I could come up with at 2 in the morning.

One of the best ones I ever saw was:

Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow ;-)

Miss Chris

OMG! Miss Chris! I love it! Let's print bumper stickers!

I got a bunch of silly jokes today. Here is the first cute set of things I got :


Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for awhile ... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Some very dumb jokes:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The **** Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

13. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

Last one:


GOOD NEWS! Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on
terrorism! They have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.




BAD NEWS, With the current exchange rate that comes out to 2 canoes, a Mountie and a couple of flying squirrels

Thanks Ladies!!! (And I use that term loosely.....) I needed a good laugh!!!!

Thanks, Squeak! :lol:

Finally! A blonde guy joke!
 

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

:lol:
More jokes... we need more jokes...!!

The guys at work only tell me really gross, do not repeat this ever again, your brain needs washing jokes.

Miss Chris

He said/She said
 

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
--------------------------------------------------------------
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it . . . " I do not!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.

Great, Kat! :lol:

A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Life is Good
 

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God blesses you for the beautiful radio that I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the table and broke into hundreds of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I said f*** you.

Life is Good.

Sincerely,
Mabel

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he

has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the
drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about
it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

I'm stealing some of these!
Ellis, why are you still up? You are supposed to be convalescing!
MotheRuth the Antique ConservaChick

I dunno, MotheRuth. I think there's something wrong with my clock works. Yesterday morning I decided that I'd had enough of winter; that it was going to be spring because I damned well needed to sit on the verandah. Then it started to snow...

Maybe you need a new battery - or Dim Sum! I hope you can cozy-in today.

Various thoughts I was sent:

1. How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22 I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!
> >
> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
> > with animals,
> > but the animals must be female. Having sexual
> > relations with a male
> > animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes
> > sense.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> > woman's
> > genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly
> > at them during the
> > examination. He may only see their reflection in
> > a mirror.
> > (Do they look different reversed?)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
> > of a corpse.
> > This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs
> > of the deceased
> > must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at
> > all times. (A
> > brick??)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> > decapitation.
> > (Much worse than "going blind!")
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
> > travel the
> > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
> > them for the
> > privilege of having sex for the first
> > time...Reason: under Guam
> > law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
> > marry. (Let's just
> > think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
> > else in the world that
> > even comes close to this?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
> > to kill her
> > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
> > bare hands. The
> > husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed
> > in any manner
> > desired. (Ah! Justice!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
> > England - but only
> > in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
> > her husband,
> > and the first time this happens, her mother must
> > be in the room to
> > witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the
> > thought.)
> > *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man
> > to have sex
> > with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
> > (I presume this was a big enough problem that
> > they had to pass
> > this law?)
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
> > vending machines with
> > one
> > exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
> > vending
> > machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages
> > are sold for
> > consumption on the premises."
> > Is this a great country or what? Not as great as
> > Guam!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Banging your head against a wall uses 150
> > calories an hour.
> > (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
> > pull 30 times its
> > own weight and always falls over on its right
> > side when
> > intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?
> > -- Did the govt.
> > pay for
> > this research??)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
> > (I know some people like that.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people
> > like that too)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe
> > through their
> > butts.
> > (Do you think they have bad breath?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hehe, some good ones up there! Thank God I don't live in Indonesia!! :o

Here are some of my favorite ponderings from George Carlin. :dizzy: [list=1][*] Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? [*] Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?[*] If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?[*] Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?[*] Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? [*] Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?[*] Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? [*] Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? [*] If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?[*] If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?[*] If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?[*] Why is bra singular and panties plural?[*] Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?[*] Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?[/list=1]

GOOD ONES!!!!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,Bubba,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake Dad, Don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the bodies!
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

A couple of days later, the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Flower, I just noticed that one! It's hilarious! :lol:

....................

Rules for Work!


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's ****.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received
for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

:lol: Ellis have you been hiding in my cube at work? Esp. 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 & 13. My personal favorite is #1, I try and hide from my boss for about the last 20 minutes of my day, otherwise he will find me just as I am turning off my computer. His "will only take 5 minutes" projects normally last about a half a day.

SOMEONE SEND This to my boss for me, I need to stay anonymous.

Miss Chris

Chris, what the heck are you doing up so early? :D
I had to get up... I was coughing like a... like a... something terrible.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E,F,G & H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stand for...It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
{G}- Get a Reduction
{H} -Help me I've fallen and I can't get up

*laugh* I had to forward that one on to my boyfriend.

heh heh heh

A titter ran through the crowd! (*)(*)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

A WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, then there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.

Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so
here it goes:

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the <mailto:&*@*#$>&*@*#$ barbells or anything
that weighs more
than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@&&&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.

CANADIAN JOKE #1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's Canadian?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys weren't drinking beer, neither would I."

CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His
friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor
snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #4
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they
were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their
pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished
the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing
happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking
it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT"

CANADIAN JOKE #5
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing
I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."