A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Life is Good
 

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God blesses you for the beautiful radio that I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the table and broke into hundreds of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I said f*** you.

Life is Good.

Sincerely,
Mabel

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he

has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the
drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about
it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

I'm stealing some of these!
Ellis, why are you still up? You are supposed to be convalescing!
MotheRuth the Antique ConservaChick

I dunno, MotheRuth. I think there's something wrong with my clock works. Yesterday morning I decided that I'd had enough of winter; that it was going to be spring because I damned well needed to sit on the verandah. Then it started to snow...

Maybe you need a new battery - or Dim Sum! I hope you can cozy-in today.

Various thoughts I was sent:

1. How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22 I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!
> >
> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
> > with animals,
> > but the animals must be female. Having sexual
> > relations with a male
> > animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes
> > sense.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> > woman's
> > genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly
> > at them during the
> > examination. He may only see their reflection in
> > a mirror.
> > (Do they look different reversed?)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
> > of a corpse.
> > This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs
> > of the deceased
> > must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at
> > all times. (A
> > brick??)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> > decapitation.
> > (Much worse than "going blind!")
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
> > travel the
> > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
> > them for the
> > privilege of having sex for the first
> > time...Reason: under Guam
> > law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
> > marry. (Let's just
> > think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
> > else in the world that
> > even comes close to this?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
> > to kill her
> > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
> > bare hands. The
> > husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed
> > in any manner
> > desired. (Ah! Justice!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
> > England - but only
> > in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
> > her husband,
> > and the first time this happens, her mother must
> > be in the room to
> > witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the
> > thought.)
> > *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man
> > to have sex
> > with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
> > (I presume this was a big enough problem that
> > they had to pass
> > this law?)
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
> > vending machines with
> > one
> > exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
> > vending
> > machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages
> > are sold for
> > consumption on the premises."
> > Is this a great country or what? Not as great as
> > Guam!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Banging your head against a wall uses 150
> > calories an hour.
> > (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
> > pull 30 times its
> > own weight and always falls over on its right
> > side when
> > intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?
> > -- Did the govt.
> > pay for
> > this research??)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
> > (I know some people like that.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people
> > like that too)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe
> > through their
> > butts.
> > (Do you think they have bad breath?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hehe, some good ones up there! Thank God I don't live in Indonesia!! :o

Here are some of my favorite ponderings from George Carlin. :dizzy: [list=1][*] Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? [*] Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?[*] If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?[*] Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?[*] Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? [*] Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?[*] Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? [*] Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? [*] If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?[*] If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?[*] If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?[*] Why is bra singular and panties plural?[*] Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?[*] Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?[/list=1]

GOOD ONES!!!!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,Bubba,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake Dad, Don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the bodies!
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

A couple of days later, the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Flower, I just noticed that one! It's hilarious! :lol:

....................

Rules for Work!


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's ****.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received
for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.