Thanks Mountain. I feel better in a way. Haven't vomited since yesterday afternoon. Now I'm coughing and my nose and chest are congested. It's like I had one thing, it got kicked out, and now I'm fighting off something else. It's funny because I was just thinking how well my family has been before this current outbreak. The good news: I have absolutely no desire for sweets.

Back to the normal gray sky this morning. I may need to look into becoming a snowbird.

Fi -- Two days in a row with collages that I absolutely love. This one has such depth and texture and I love the color combos. I think these abstracts are your true calling -- absolutely wonderful! I think our general attitude on life influences how we feel, but being the cause of the pain.......not sure I buy that one. In fact, it seems like the opposite would be true -- the pain would have an impact on my general disposition. Yes, I think that hanging on to rage would impact our overall health in terms of blood pressure, stress related symptoms, etc., but the cause. Definitely something to think about. I'm sending the Cookie Monster your way so that he'll eat up those cookie cravings.

Ubee -- I so wish we lived closer than 1500 miles apart because I think if I had you nearby, we'd both be more successful. Not to mention I would laugh more. What? You don't think tadpoles and sperm sort of look alike other than the size difference? I've always thought that if I went to a psychiatrist the end result would be that he/she would need therapy afterwards. Especially the Freudians. So do you place the raw onion cut side up? Got to thinking that this is kind of like the Vick's Vaporub approach of once you can smell that stuff you know you're on the mend. Good girl for winning the argument with the yapping dog. Have you named the dog yet?

Porthardygurl -- Yay! Way to go on losing and getting close to being back to regain start weight. You and Sam are definitely inspiring. Interesting about your phobia with vomiting. Do you know what caused it -- some experience from the past? Obviously I don't like it, but it's more in the inconvenience range for me. Step away from the sugar laden donut holes. Good job on resisting them, but don't even put yourself in that tempting position to begin with.

Tootsie -- Feel better. Sounds like you've got whatever has been going around out here. Upset tummy followed by a lingering cold/flu/bronchitis type thing that lasts for weeks. So glad I got my flu shot!

Donna -- I so admire the way that you always are upbeat in spite of probably feeling yucky a lot of the time. Hope they can figure out a way to keep the asthma more in check for you soon. Does your doctor give you any kind of inhaler to use? Enjoy the pool. Even if you just stay in one spot and move in the water, that will help. Enjoy the time with Sam. I can't imagine learning Welsh but then I have absolutely no skill with foreign languages.

Sam -- where are you? Ubee and I are going to send out a search party soon.

The AC guy is due here in half an hour. A couple of days of installation and then I think I will be done spending money on the house for the next ten years.......other than the normal maintenance and yard stuff. Of course, then all the appliances will start going kaput.

Had a horrible day eating yesterday. Time to get real.

Betsy— Thanks so much for what you said about my recent abstract collages, and about my penchant for abstracts in general. I would like to make at least one more abstract collage before the theme on the Kollage Kit blog changes to something else, but I don't know whether I'll be up for it. What you said about pain having an impact on one's "general disposition" is certainly true for me, because the pain in my legs is making me depressed. I cry a lot, every day. I wake up at 5 AM every morning, and cannot get back to sleep—nor can I take a nap, later on. I am obsessed with questions like "Will I ever walk again? Will I be in pain the rest of my life? What is all of this doing to Bob?" I feel a lot of guilt over that last question, as I notice how stressed out my sweet husband is getting, as the months wear on and I am still nowhere near being back to normal. I worry that he is losing ground on his recovery from the long, long depression he's been through—the one that cost him his job and forced him into an early (and unwanted) retirement. Worst of all, I go through constant loops of feeling sorry for myself, then beating up on myself for feeling sorry for myself, then feeling oppressed by the self-castigation. More than one person has told me they are impressed by what "a great attitude" I supposedly have. I don't know what they are talking about. I see this whole ordeal as a test of character, and I am miserably failing at the test. And I am unworthy of Mike—unworthy of being the recipient of his wisdom and his devotion to me. So, yes indeed, the pain is making me crazy. Not crazy in the wild unbridled sense, but thinking lots of crazy thoughts.

Fits hard..no..hard isnt the right word..its worse than hard.. I empathize with you. For several years in my marriage i was sic in bed every day and countless visits to the hospital and Drs offices. My husband hit a point of hopelessness. He got angry and wondered why i couldnt get better. He hated watching me in pain all the time and wondering when the next hospital visit would be. It was difficult. Healing is a loooooong road and somtimes it looks like it never ends but it does get better. In regards to the person who said you had a good attitude..it reminds me of what we say as Paramedics. We say "calm face on outside...screaming and freaking out on inside". We do what we need to do to get the job done or go through life and we dont show the people we are helping that we ourselves are terrified too. After the day is over then we think about it and come down from it. A lot of people go through life like this..we look strong on the outside in the face of others but on the inside we are weak too. I think its easier to do that then worry about others reacting to our weakness.

Well good afternoon everyone.

Its no suprise that my scale jumped up .4 this morning. TMI- I am struggling with the big "C". I think today is Day 4. Im shocked actually given how active ive become and how many salads i eat in a day and how much water i drink. Popped back 3 Magnesium Citrate capsules..hopefully it will help. Tempted to take a Senna as well but i dont want to bombard my system too much.

I did my workout today.. Did a HIIT treadmill workout for 20 minutes followed by 45 minutes of continuous lap swimming. Oh i feel like jelly. When you havent swam laps for a looong time and then you start getting back into it..sooo sore..

Time for a nap i think..

Fi: You told me to be easy on myself. You didn't purposely cause this problem with your body. It was the meds. I'm sure that Bob realizes that. He's committed to you. I'm sure that if tables were turned, you'd do your best to care for him. Constantly worrying and losing sleep isn't helping with the healing. We heal the most while we sleep. So be easy on yourself.

Fi...I don't have any special words of wisdom that the others haven't shared but I do know that chronic illness...especially pain... plays havoc with your emotions. Hang in there...we are all here for you. And as for Bob...well he clearly loves the bones of you and as Tootsie says, you wouldn't hesitate to care for him in the same loving and selfless way he cares for you.
Well, today Storm Jonas has hit carrying LOTS of rain and wind and the doggies and I have just experienced a taster in the park! But I didn't let that keep me from my morning walk with them. It isn't far and although I am wet, it isn't cold and I am heading for a lovely warm shower. I have been thinking long and hard to my attitude towards my body in particular my chest problems and have decided to step back from one particular church activity that I had (over) committed myself to. The most important thing for me has been to "get back to work this year" well...may be that isn't feasible until my chest is under control. So I need to make time in my schedule for things that really help, like exercise...and shopping and eating healthily and also make a start on dealing with the mould in the house. So I have to let a couple of balls drop....and do you know what?? I may even need to schedule in some rest time!
Oooh getting cold now...will check back in later...am off in the shower!

Heading into day 2 of having AC installed and am foggy brained this morning from too much reading in bed and not enough sleeping. Just a heads up that my post may be dingier than normal.

Fi -- My heart just aches for you and what you're going through. Of course you're worried about what this is doing to Bob because the two of you love each other deeply. I can't remember if you said you had fibromyalgia or if I added 1 + 1 and hopefully didn't come up with 3. I have a friend who was diagnosed with it about 10 years ago and she found a doctor who specialized in fibromyalgia treatment. She still has problems, but has gone from not being able to get to the car to now traveling the world. And your thoughts are normal. Heck, I was really down for 2 weeks because I had a cold. I can't imagine what you and others cope with just getting through the day. I hope that knowing that you have friends here who obviously care about you helps in some small way.

Porthardygurl -- I always tell myself that anything under a pound difference is just me standing on the scale the wrong way. If you ever need help with rationalizing anything, just let me know!

Donna -- Good for you. I think the hardest thing in the world is to allow us to take care of ourselves. Ubee will point to you and tell me that if you can walk in the rain, so can I.....and she'd be right!

Quiet on there today -- hope everyone is ok.

Time to get the coffee going and take care of Toby's morning needs.

Hiya...me again!
Well the weather is truly revolting. Wet and windy and the rain is landing on already saturated ground so the risk of flooding. I am happy to say that although my road has a great deal of surface water, I live up the mountain and not in the river valley below us. The river looks very high already and the local Tesco has a flooded car park.
The heavily pregnant sheep are all crowded at the bottom of the field at the back of our garden under the shelter of some enormous trees...they do NOT look happy!!
I had an appointment with my wonderful Therapist today and we looked at my decision to reduce my expectations about myself and where my unrelenting standards...especially with regards my weight...have come from. It is ( as always) a complicated set of issues but there are two incidents from my past that have added to my sense of " It's my own fault for getting so fat and hideous" and "You have to fix it by yourself".
So I stand on the scales and see how much of a mountain I have to climb and feel several unbearable emotions.
The first is loneliness, the second is guilt and the worst one is grief. Grief over what I have missed out on because of my weight. As I was talking about this, my chest became incredibly tight and I cried and cried. Then after wards I felt so much better and my chest had eased considerably. The power of what we keep in our minds never ceases to amaze me.
I am exhausted now ...not surprisingly......but feel like an abscess has burst.
I hope that somebody else finds this information interesting or useful.....
Sam and I went swimming last night...and I managed 22 lengths without coughing too much and felt wonderful afterwards.
Take care...I hope everybody is OK the board is quiet today.
God Bless,
Donna

"The power of what we keep in our minds never ceases to amaze me." Thank you, Donna, for saying that. Your words are helping me get out from under what feels like an enormous weight—the responsibility for running a tight ship, in my own head. For some reason—and it's probably the pain (yes, Betsy, I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia)—I've been telling myself that I'm not allowed to have monsters lurking in my unconscious. After all, I've had many years of psychotherapy, haven't I? So I should be rid of all those noxious ideas my parents quite literally beat into me.

But I'm not rid of them, and perhaps it's time for me to accept the fact that I may never be rid of them. The issue I have with that book I read about "mindbody" disorders is that the author says over and over again that once his patients become aware that they are repressing a whole lot of anger, they just relinquish that anger, and then they are free of psychosomatic pain for the rest of their lives. I can't follow that reasoning, because I don't think it's as easy as all that to move stuff from your unconscious to your conscious mind. Sigmund Freud didn't think it was easy. He's the person to whom we give credit for discovering the power of the unconscious, so maybe we should listen to him.

Anyway, I don't have time to write more because Bob and I need to get out the door to take me to my appointment with Mike. Thank God for Mike!

Hello All!

I apparently have not been any good with posting on a regular basis...Where the heck does time go because I seriously don't know what happens. I feel like I just posted here then BAM 5 days pass and everyone is sending a search party for me LOL!!!!

Still trying to get back in the swing of things. Only worked out 3 times last week but I'm taking it as a win. My eating has been almost perfect...I've been having bad cookie cravings...I promise you this ends TODAY!! So far I've been doing really well with everything today. Just going to keep taking it one day at a time. Went to the gym last night and did 45 mins on the treadmill at 4 MPH and incline on 10%. I was pouring sweat!! See photo: https://www.instagram.com/p/BA-y3zvp...sameatsclean26

After the treadmill I worked on my abs for about 30-40 mins. My phone and water bottle fell off the machine I was on...Water everywhere and luckily I have a piece of tempered glass on my phone because that cracked...UGH!! Still no issues with it and I'll be getting a new piece soon. It isn't noticeable so I can hold out until I get paid next week. Thank goodness for that glass!

Still trying to get DH to get moving again. He hasn't gone to the gym with me at all or done anything with exercise at home. Hoping today he'll jump on the wagon, but I'm not going to force him. I know I've talked about that before with you guys.

Fi Can't wait to get your piece of art!! Take your time getting it out, I know the weather has been bad up your way. My cousin and FIL have been getting a lot of snow in their parts of VA (Richmond & Kenbridge).

Ubee You almost brought me to tears...ALMOST...I'm at work and I refuse to ruin my mascara LMAO!!! No really though thank you so much for your kind words. I really ask myself how in the **** am I still here? Lots have gone on in my life that have not been pleasant. Maybe that's part of the reason I went through the majority of my life fat because there was nothing there to comfort me but food.

Betsy I'm here!!! Don't worry, I didn't get to my closet this weekend either ...Whatever it's been a wreck for over a year I'm not worried about it. It'll get done when it gets done...Hope you're staying warm!!

Going to keep this short...I gotta get back to work but will do my best to check in more often <3

Good Afternoon yall,

Well...i had it today! I couldnt take it anymore. I stepped on the scale today and BAM! anotuer pound up... Considering my calories have been under 900(not because im making them but because im just eating when hungry and im just not hungry right now) and my carbs are well under 20g and im keto adapted..I just couldnt deal with it. My mind internally said "well you still havent pooped and its been 4 days going on to 5" and your inestine is like 18ft of plumbing...thats alot of waste build up.." but no..i couldnt rationalize. Couldnt get it down to my heart about the possibility that its not actual weight gain. So i went to my morning meeting at the church and broke down and cried. Just bawled. All of my repressed felings of failure and weakness and need to control my diet and exercise..just came out..

Last night i had a dream that i saw a lady who used to be in our church. She was a beautiful women who was very very obese. She was amazing..her personality and attitude and her laughter and ability to love anyone. She radiated. However, she as found dead in her apartment by her son. She was 52 when she died. The cause of death was due to accidental overdose in herbal supplements. She was an enterpreneuer and she sold health products from 2 different companies. Both of the companies created "cleanses" and weight loss capsules. She was often taking these products. Not just one..but several from the two different companies. She was desperate to lose weight. Internally she wasnt happy with herself. When she died..it came as a shock to all of us. But thats not the thing that made me most sad. In a conversation with my pastor, someone came in and asked who she was and he replied, "oh thats ------, she is the short frumpy one". Truth be told i secretly never forgave him for that. I know he would never intend to hurt people but it was hurtful. I always wonder now what he thinks of me and how he describes me. Its also sad but i remember when she died, thinking "well i guess im the fattest one in the church now.".

I have a history of eating disorders. Starving and binging along with a cross-over of taking medication like T3s to blunt my appetite. I aslo used to use weight loss pills and laxatives and used to stick a fork down my throat occasionally. Ths is my history not my present and not my future..but i recognize that i still struggle with issues of obsession and control surrounding the scale. I still live and die by the scale and i seem to live and die by what others think of me. I have a hard time not going to the gym..not counting a calorie or a carb. Today are young adults group went to the pool to use the hot tub and relax. It was soo hard not to go and swim laps. I felt like i wasnt doing anything to make myself smaller, like it was a waste of time. Right now im angry cause my scale went up a pound even though im doing everything right. Today i took a laxative after double dosing on the megnesium citrate because my body hasnt eliminated for almost 5 days. I just had it today. I couldnt deal with my feelings of paranoia over weight gain. Im not off my diet. I am 100% on plan..its been 21 days of no cheating so far and no bingeing.

Im sorry for ranting and spazzing. I just feel like there is no one in my life that even remotely understands what its like to be big and how people treat you. Today im just human. Iam having a human day. A day where i am un-done. Today i just cant be strong enough to hold myself together and pretend i dont have issues. I have issues..I clearly need another counselling session lol

Port: Take measurements. Sam always mentions that. FatGirl PhD mentions it. Your weight can fluctuate for many reasons from +/- 3 pounds throughout a given day. Measurements can lie in that certain times of the month, you might bloat, but they tell the truth more than the scale does.

Fi just told me to be easy on myself-the same goes to you. I've learned not to compare myself to others and not to worry so much about what they think. This is the reason that I can come on here and be honest. I want to try to be strong, but I'm weak. Everyone is weak in some way. We just have to keep trying to improve, as long as we do that, we're doing just fine. Others may look down on us. As long as they do that, are they improving or happy where they are? They do that because of their own short comings. It makes them feel better. What does that say about them as a person? Those type aren't worth fretting over. Then there are others who like you just as you are and you're worrying that they don't like you. And others still that don't even think of you at all. We're a paranoid bunch. Many don't judge like you think that they do. They have their own insecurities to worry over.

Don't fuss over the little things. There'll be weeks when the weight pours off. There'll be others that it won't budge, or you'll gain. As long as there is a downward trend, you're fine. Remember that some gains are because of muscle-especially since you're low carb, and that's good! If you aren't staying hydrated, your body will hold onto water and it'll be difficult to go. Try drinking more water and see if it helps. I know that you said that it makes you sick up. Have you tried building up to drinking more a little at a time? Like for example, a half an ounce more for a few days, then an ounce more, etc?

Good morning everybody.
You know how the Inuits ( I hope that is the correct and respectful term) have lots of words for snow? Well.......I think in Wales we need to use our beautiful and colourful language to describe different types of rain! Storm Jonas is still with us, though by the end of the day will have passed by. We have gone from monsoon-style rain to Sideways Welsh Mountain Rain along with high winds with the odd REALLY high gusts! But Betsy....the dogs and I still went for a walk this morning!!!
I braved the scales yesterday. I lost 6lbs in my first week and then got some sort of flu that ended up in the current chest problems but am still 4lbs down overall. The conclusion I have come to is that as long as I keep my well-padded butt moving, if I lose the plot food wise the sky won't come crashing in.
Today I am having my hair done and have decided to make a bit of a change. I used to have really short and spiky red hair...always felt like "me". Well my hair is now a little longer and is brown with blonde highlights. It is OK but just isn't "me". I have tried to be elegant but you know what???? Quirky is much more me! So I may well go back to short red and spiky or something equally exciting!! The only problem with red or purple colours is that they fade really badly when you go swimming so if any body has any ideas about how to protect my colour then let me know!!
Have a lovely day ladies. Love you millions...as my Sam says to me!

The scale is going down. It's pure luck because I'm not really trying. I got a head start from being sick, then I just haven't felt like eating as much as normal lately.

My spouse is trying to get me to go to the doc about this chest congestion. I've had colds plenty of times and I've had pneumonia. Pneumonia usually hurts. This doesn't hurt. I think that it will just run its course and be gone soon.

I lost sleep last night, thinking of all the crappy things that I've done in my life. I'm not a good person. Some people would think of some of the things that I have guilt about are stupid, but if you really process them, you realize how manipulative I can be. My serious boyfriends' moms didn't care for me because they saw right through me.

I was thinking of my first love while my spouse was sleeping right next to me. I still carry guilt about how I wronged him. Sure, the first love cheated, but I wasn't innocent. He was actively seeking employment in a bigger city. I secretly hoped that he didn't get hired elsewhere because I was afraid to leave the only place I'd known, and I didn't trust him to stay with me. I could've seen it as a chance for me to grow as well. I added cover pages, not letters, pages, to his resumes. I didn't know that that was incorrect at the time. I thought that it looked odd, but I still added them anyway. I was really young. I feel stupid and think that I may've inadvertently wrecked his chance of being hired at some places.

I'm trying to learn from my experiences and change, but it's difficult to lose control.

I want to be a good person, but just haven't quite managed to do it correctly. I paid for Christmas presents for a needy teenager whose name I found on a Christmas Tree last year. I didn't do it out of kindness. It's because I remember being needy, and many think of kids, or parents, but not single needy adults or needy teenagers needing a helping hand. Pure kindness and generosity is given without thought of oneself-without much thought at all, really. I feel guilty about that because it wasn't for the "right" reason.