I joined 3FC on June 26. I saw some challenges that got me excited, and thought "I can do this." I did good at first, lost 5 lbs. in one week. I got under 300 for the first time in months... Then it was back to square one (and then some). I don't even want to get on a scale. I just want to hate myself for not having will power, for this being yet another failed attempt to gain control of my eating habits. It's like the thought of even trying to restrict the amount I eat sends me running the other way and face planting myself in more food.
I feel disgusting and like a waste of a very large amount of space.
Hey there...I was where you're at a few weeks ago... and I dont have any real words of wisdom as I'm not completely out of that head space you're in...
But stick around.. there are some great women with great advice and who give the kind of support you need right now...they get it and know what that scary dark place is like and what it might take for you to peek your head out and get started...
Someone told me to keep coming back...keep reading the post and respond to them...that was great advice and it helped...
Here's the deal, in our culture, we're conditioned (and often directly TAUGHT) to believe that fat people, especially very fat people are lazy, stupid, selfish, lazy mounds of worthless, sub-human trash. No matter what else you accomplish in your life - raising a family, being kind to others, having a sweet or funny personality, working two jobs, earning multiple degrees, donating time and money to charities, feeding the homeless, saving disabled kittens from burning buildings... none of it matters as much as your control over the scale.
Am I exaggerating? Not as much as I wish I were. We often act as though control over the scale is the greatest life achievement a woman can aspire to, and she should consider her life empty, meaningless, and devoid of all enjoyment and self-worth if she is obese or even overweight.
Don't fall for that kind of thinking. It's a trap. It's very difficult to help someone you hate or think worthless, even if (especially if) that person is your self. Why bother even trying to help a person so hopeless and contemptible.
It's just as difficult to accept help from someone (even if it's yourself) you know is an enemy - someone who hates you and considers you contemptible, hopeless, worthless, lazy, utterly useless...
You have to realize that the thought aren't true. You can succeed at weight loss and even if you don't, being fat can only make you fat and sick. It can't make you evil or worthless. You're fat, you're not stomping on kittens and kicking babies or plotting for world domination (and if you ARE, then working on those issues is more important than weight loss).
Value yourself, and be your own best friend, not your worst enemy. You'll find pampering yourself thinner will be a lot easier and much more pleasant than trying to punish and hurt your way there.
This time I am succeeding where I've failed in more than three decades of trying. It's been slower and has been dismal failure by my old definitions, because I spend a lot more time "not losing" than losing. I even gain periodically, but I no longer believe that not losing is just as bad a failure as gaining. Instead, not gaining is super, awesome, amazing success.
"If I'm not losing, I might as well be gaining. If I'm going to be fat forever anyway, I might as well at least get to eat what I want." I am worthless. I don't matter. What I do matters to no one, so taking care of myself, even through weight loss is pointless. I will never be important to anyone, I can't be happy except for the few moments of superficial joy or at least numbness that food brings me while I'm tasting and chewing. As soon as I swallow and stop chewing/tasting, the pain and misery and worthlessness becomes overwhelming and can only be dampened with more chewing, tasting, and swallowing.
These and other weight loss attitudes are learned. We're taught to think this way, so we're essentially taught to fail.
You're not evil or worthless, you've just been following our culture's rules and rituals for weight loss attempts for the overweight and obese. You've tried to lose weight by the self-contempt, self punishing, unrealistic expectation method of weight loss. Even the failure is part of the ritual, because self hate (or any hate for that matter) is exhausting. It's hard to believe that we don't deserve to console ourselves with the only pleasure we sometimes allow ourselves - fatty carbohydrates and the mildly opiate-like effects they have on our brain and body.
You can succeed, but you have to rebel against traditional patterns. You have to recognize the ritual to break it. You have to believe you have worth and value as a human being regardless of your weight and that you deserve to treat your body and mind with kindness and respect. You deserve the joy and satisfaction that comes from being patient and loving towards others, and you deserve the same joy and satisfaction that comes from being patient and loving towards yourself.
It's hard to feel this way, because we're taught to believe we don't deserve it. We're obligated to feel as miserable as possible until we lose weight and magically become worthy. Unfortunately feeling worthless and unworthy makes weight loss more difficult and nigh impossible, so it's a self-perpetuating, downward spiral.
Rebel. Learn to be stubbornly self-loving. Feel awesome, strong, confident, optimistic... It gets easier with practice, really.
Kaplods I don't know how but you are very good at making everything better and I would just like to say thank you. I clicked on this link cause I felt the same way as odd duck today and your words of wisdom really helped.
Kaplods I don't know how but you are very good at making everything better and I would just like to say thank you. I clicked on this link cause I felt the same way as odd duck today and your words of wisdom really helped.
I'm happy to be helpful, but I want to make it clear that I don't just share all this because I've mastered positive inner dialogue and want y'all to benefit from my wisdom. I'm saying it to myself as well, warning my inner bully that I don't want to hear any of her self-loathing crap out of her.
I joke to friends and family that I'd have a clinical diagnosis of multiple personality disorder if it weren't for the fact that all of my personalities know one another and share my name, nicknames and memories.
I think we all have at least three inner identities, or inner voices.
1. The inner critic/punisher
2. The inner nurturer/parent/rewarder/consoler
3. The inner child/student/functioning personality caught between #1 and #2 - just trying to understand, cope, and function in the world. Trying to make sense of all the messages we get from the people around us and our inner chorus.
Today I needed to hear, "Hey all you Colleens, listen to what the smart, loving, funny, confident and other awesome Colleens are saying. Ignore the mean, stupid, angry, frightened, shy Colleens (I don't hear too much from shy Colleen, but she is in here somewhere).
Kaplods...I started reading your first post and didn't continue cause I didn't want to hear what I knew you were going to say...I bought into it for so long that as a fat person I believed and still do (working on it) somewhat that I am all those things you said...lazy (I even talked about that in another thread) worthless sub-human...
I thought whatever shes going to say its not true cause if I weren't all those things how would I let myself get to this point...I deserve to feel this way simply by existing ...
But I did read it and what you said summed up how I desperately want to feel about myself ...it should be the mission statement for 3 fat chicks ...with your permission its going to be mine...
Thank you tor putting into words what so many of us deserve to know and believe about ourselves ...
Please forgive me if anything I wrote came off sounding rude...I'm not really great at expressing myself in words
You're not worthless at all little duck. I have spent the last 2 years battling an illness that doctors can't put a name to and I figured if I lost weight, some of the problems might go away. So I have an incentive, but I still have only lost and then gained even more than I'd lost and here I am once again, fighting the seemingly never-ending battle. But, I know in my heart and soul that this time is going to be different. Sometimes we have to fail to figure out what's important to us. It's all about timing I think. I'm not sure if you're religious at all, and believe me, I never thought I'd be saying this because I have had my own issues with religion, but God won't give us any more than we can handle. And we both know we handle quite a bit just by the weight we carry around everyday. I think this is the universe's way of showing us how strong we are, because not everyone goes through this battle, and it is a battle, not just a journey of self discovery. We have to fight everything we've ever known and the person we've been for all of our lives. I believe you can do it, because you are already so strong and so brave for being here, seeking help and knowing that you want to change. That is half the battle right there, knowing what you want. Now all you have to do is go for it.
Kaplods...I started reading your first post and didn't continue cause I didn't want to hear what I knew you were going to say...I bought into it for so long that as a fat person I believed and still do (working on it) somewhat that I am all those things you said...lazy (I even talked about that in another thread) worthless sub-human...
I thought whatever shes going to say its not true cause if I weren't all those things how would I let myself get to this point...I deserve to feel this way simply by existing ...
But I did read it and what you said summed up how I desperately want to feel about myself ...it should be the mission statement for 3 fat chicks ...with your permission its going to be mine...
Thank you tor putting into words what so many of us deserve to know and believe about ourselves ...
Please forgive me if anything I wrote came off sounding rude...I'm not really great at expressing myself in words
You expressed yourself just fine, and you're far from alone. That's why I added the addendum about writing it because I still need to hear it. If I go too long without saying it, I start falling back into the brainwashing.
I recently gained back about 35 lbs (still have about 15 of it to relose). There were many factors, but it boiled down to putting my pain and fear of my illness above my long term health.
But good people make mistakes. Stuff happens.
For me, the book The End of Eating helped explain why obesity doesn't have to be my fault for me to fix it.
When I blamed myself, I kept failing. When I blamed no one, I started having real and lasting success.
For me, the results speak for themselves even if they do so slowly in a quiet voice.
I joined 3FC on June 26. I saw some challenges that got me excited, and thought "I can do this." I did good at first, lost 5 lbs. in one week. I got under 300 for the first time in months... Then it was back to square one (and then some). I don't even want to get on a scale. I just want to hate myself for not having will power, for this being yet another failed attempt to gain control of my eating habits. It's like the thought of even trying to restrict the amount I eat sends me running the other way and face planting myself in more food.
I feel disgusting and like a waste of a very large amount of space.
[end whine]
You ARE NOT a waste of a very large amount of space! You are a beautiful human being.
Feeling worthless
