I posted the below yesterday in the control section... because it is a control issue for me

Unfortunetly, they took one look at my numbers and assumed it was compulsive or binge eating (which is really not the case). because apparently its impossible to weigh over 300lbs without these behaviors... I assure you its not impossible... I just had really bad food choice habits.... I ended up having to defend myself and justify my weight and eating habits... Which was more discouraging, than encouraging...

So, after spending a few hours reading on different boards here... I think this is where i belong, and where i will find what i am looking for... So i'll post it again here... I just wanted support... cause this is hard and scary...

and i'll throw in a dancing carrot... just because....

(the carrots make me smile!)
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I have been dieting for 5 weeks... and right now I am terrified.

I have Aspergers syndrome and OCD tendencies, a history of self mutilation, depression and addiction.

I am an eating disorder waiting to happen.

I am trying so hard right now to control myself, to not become obsessed, but at the same time to not fall off the wagon. I started doing weight watchers (on my own cause I cant afford their fees)… This way I can keep track of what I am eating, and there are very black and white boundaries for the minimum and maximum and I don’t need to give anything up.

But a bad day, can send me spinning out of control for a couple days, full of control issues, and thought problems and the terrifying realization that I could go from being overweight, to fighting a serious eating disorder.

I have never been “normal” mental health wise, I have struggled. I wanted to believe so badly that I was in recovery for all these things, yet this diet and lifestyle change really opened my eyes to the ugly monster within that caused all those things in the past. I hate myself for that. I am supposed to be stronger, more capable, more insightful… and yet again I am my own worst enemy.

I am scared that finding moderation in food and eating will lead to something else spinning out of control... It feels like I am trapped in a never ending cycle

NikonGirl - I don't have much advice to offer you. I have struggled with mental health issues in the past, and they are difficult. So is weight loss. And I do not have OCD tendencies, but the journey will include a bit of obsession, not all of it good.

However, the habits I am cultivating now are also making other things in my life better, I have found. I hope you will find that too.

Do you have a counselor or mental health professional whom you see? Have you attempted cognitive therapy? I think that cognitive therapy regarding your 'fear' of other new control issues might be very helpful for you to reframe a fear of getting out of control into something else less-anxiety provoking and healthier!

I have done Cognitive therapy in the past, I actually went to a CBT recovery program vs the 12 steps... (i dont like the steps)

This friday i have an appointment at the ED program here, for their Obesity program. They combine medical support, physical therapy, nutritionist, and group or individual therapy.

The therapy is why my dr reffered me to this program, in hopes that I can keep my obsessive behaviors in a healthy place and not end up on the dangerous end.

I have stopped using charts this week to track my weight watchers points... I switched instead to a beaded bracelet with moveable charms that i made... I have 1 bead for each point, and a charm to track my daily points, my weekly points and one that can be moved to mark goals... Right now its marking my minimum points for the day, cause I oddly struggle with that...

Between the control issues and my meds (ritalin which is an appetite suppresant) sometimes when i'm not even trying I end up super behind in where i should be points wise and have to do some catch up...