Not sure where to post this or how to start but here goes... Sorry its long... kinda all came out when I got going...
My 4 year old recently went in for his yearly check up and he measured at 40 inches tall and 40lbs. I thought he was growing nicely. The doctor asked all the standard questions about eating fruits, veggies, milk type and exercise. I beamed because for the most part I don't have to fight him to eat his veggies and fruit has never been a problem and getting him to sit down is the only problem when it comes to exercise. To my shock the doctor said that his BMI shows he his overweight (I did confirm this when I got home) for his age. His weight is in the 93rd percentile. I found out later close to becoming obese (95th). Now when you look at my son with his shirt off you can see his ribs and his arms are supper skinny but he still has his toddler tummy.
After telling me this the doctor talked about good eating habits and what to eat when eating out. Which we don't do too often about once a week if that. I assume he did because I am about 300lbs myself and he figured it due to eating out a lot.
Anyway... after all this it kind of sent me into a tailspin. I feel so guilty still although not as guilty as before. 1) the doctors appointment was right after spending 2 weeks with grandma and grandpa when it snowed. 2) I found that at his age if he lost 2 lbs he would be within the health weight range (81st percentile). But I do worry about him seeing me eat things because he knows I am sad or angry. Its a habit I am trying to break but I wonder how much of him already associates food with pleasure or comfort. I don't want him to have the same struggles that I do when he gets older. All of this has prompted me to work on myself with him as motivation for now. I wrote to someone yesterday in a post "I may be trying to fix me but I will be damned if I break him" and it made me cry because it made me realize just how much it hurts being fat and how much I don't want him to feel the way I feel at my low points.
I'm not making him going on a diet or anything... I know he's 4 and the doc was probably just concerned but also being a bit judgmental since he has no idea why I am overweight. I will just try to take him to the park more when I get home from work... maybe bedtime wont be such a fight
Thanks for letting me get it all out... I had be holding it all in for about 2 weeks now. I just needed to tell someone.
It's hard because too much emphasis one way or another can cause issues. If you stress healthy foods they may overeat later because they never had the junk growing up. Giving food as rewards isn't the answer either because it leads to a bad pattern of emotional eating/association.
I try to let my kids have small treats occasionally, dessert is usually fruit, maybe with some whip cream if they're lucky! Going to the park extra is never a bad thing for a four year old. We try to go often but its either cold, windy or cold and windy. lol
The pediatrician doesn't have all your medical history, like weight fluctuations, seeing that you've lost weight, etc. All he has to go by is your son's medical history and the fact that he can see you're over weight. I know it hurt your feelings but it's a doctors job to address these issues and bring them to light. It's easy for us to not see things with our kids that an objective person might. In addition, he's probably seen kids start out a little on the heavy side get bigger, and bigger and bigger. All he can do is provide advice and hope for the best, which is what he's probably doing.
Do try to remember kids go through phases. Mine always chunk up before they hit a growth spurt. So it's like they grow out then up to thin out, then out then up, etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is rough enough without added guilt.
The best thing you can do for your son is to be active - both of you.
I have two kids. One is an ectomorph like his dad where the doctor is telling me to let him eat whatever he wants when he wants as he's a bit too thin.
The other one is a mesomorph/endomorph like me (maybe even more endomorph than me). He has been since the day he was born WAY off the charts for height and weight. No doctor has ever, ever said he was too heavy because he's just built huge too. HOWEVER, I can see he has tendencies (like his mother) to like carby foods. That he tends to pudge up a bit before a growth spurt, and then skinnies down (which is ectomorph father always did). I know with him, I'm going to have to be much more careful. So, we run around a lot. I got him a pedometer so he can count his steps. I try to tell him to eat only what he is hungry for, not to overeat (as he tends to get this, "you gave it to me, I should eat it all" mentality. And he is getting better about saying, "I don't want any more". And I try to keep healthy foods at home for him to choose.
But so much of it is modeling. If you are active, he will be active. and so on... So, while everyone says you have to do this for you, it really wasn't until I realized that my son could be motherless at age 5 that I gut my butt in gear. I AM doing this for my kids more than me many times as I want to be around when they have kids. I want to be the fun grandma that DOES stuff with the kids and so on. But I also don't want to feel guilty about not breaking the obesity cycle (my mother is obese).
Oh and I have to agree with not restricting food - that just leads to BAD things. It's modeling again - lots of veggies, not many simple carbs, NO JUICE/SODA and good proteins and fats and treats here and there. I bake goodies and they are always around, but neither of my kids gorge on them. They're as likely to grab an apple as they would a cookie because they've developed taste for healthy foods.
I have a nephew the same age with nearly the same stats. I checked with my SIL - no doctor has every lectured her. The kid has a toddler tummy they grow out of it. I think you've fallen victim to what I call the "Down their nose" syndrome: Every time I set foot in front of a Doctor, be it for a pap smear, broken nose or viral infection, my weight is the first thing that's brought up. Valid point when we're discussing my kidney stones? Yes. Valid when I busted my nose in a car accident? Not so valid. Your parenting, and your child's development were judged solely by your current weight.
It sounds to me like you're doing your best to feed your child right and get him a lot of exercise. If you can honestly say that you're doing right by your child, then don't worry about him. Follow berryblondeboys' advice (because you want to teach them good habits, and be around) and watch his body type too. Instill good habits. Don't let the doctor get you down.
i kind of feel like your doc singled you out because of your weight as sad as that is .... im a child care provider and i have 19 children aged 4 (pre k) in my care the average weight is about 30-40 lbs in our classroom ....
They do use BMI for kids but it's calculated so that the top 5% of weight compared to height for each age is what is considered obese. But just like with adults, BMI is population based and isn't necessarily accurate for each individual.
Plus this was at the doctor's office, so he was weighed with clothing on, and I'm sure had something to eat and drink during the day. If those 2 things account for even 1 lb of those 40 lbs, then guess what, he's already down to 89th percentile instead of 93. And if he was chunking up before a growth spurt, then add another inch, and he's way down the percentiles again.
So yes, the doctor was wrong to make you panic stricken about this one data point. My son is at the opposite end of the spectrum and borders on clinically underweight going by BMI. We do have to go in for regular weight checks but even so, they never take one day's weight as a reason to make a big deal about it, they look at the trend over time. As long as a child is maintaining their general growth curve, they are good - some kids are obviously just naturally bigger and heavier and as long as he's not consistently going up the charts in weight/BMI, then he is a healthy, growing boy, eating what sounds like a nice healthy diet. (meaning way of eating, not weight loss plan, of course).
But having said all of that, I definitely understand the emotions and fear of passing this on. I'm also the child of obese parents and my hope too is to break the cycle. I am honest about my son that I need to lose weight to be healthier and how great it is for him that he's already fit and healthy and the best thing is to keep it that way instead of having to lose weight.
I wish you (and all of us parents!) the best of luck in raising a generation of kids who are able to break this cycle!
they look at the trend over time. As long as a child is maintaining their general growth curve, they are good
This is what my pediatrician says. She has said that the BMI scale won't suit my younger son, but seeing the trend is the important thing - just to be sure things don't get out of balance (with the weight going up/up/up when compared to the height or reverse).
That's another peeve - if you have a smaller child, they get all worried that something is wrong. Well guess what? Some kids are naturally short or skinny too!
I can't really speak to whether your doctor was right or not about the BMI thing, but as a former obese child who grew up with obese parents, here's what I wish my parents would have done differently.
I wish they'd never have put me on a diet. It just made me obsess about weight and food and ironically gain more weight.
I wish they'd never scolded me about food choices. Nearly 30 years later, I still remember being scolded for getting a "too big" slice of cheese and how bad it made me feel.
I wish they'd encouraged me to try different foods, but not tried to force me to eat them.
I wish when I was desperately lonely and bored and begged them to go outside and play ball with me, they would have done it.
All that said, I don't think you should feel guilty and I don't think my parents should either. They did what they thought was best. They had good intentions and they were not fat kids themselves, so they hadn't lived the experience. They both worked and were probably tired and just wanted to relax in front of the t.v.
I think the best thing parents can do is try and lead by example in terms of diet. Don't keep junk around the house. Involve your kids in preparing the meals when they get old enough so they learn to cook and try and get your kids involved in activity. Never make eating healthy or exercising punitive...i.e. don't force them to sit at the table until they eat their veggies or call them lazy when they want to play video games instead going outside.
It's a tough tightrope to walk between encouraging them to be healthy and not creating unhealthy obsessions and aversions and you will make mistakes, but don't waste time on guilt, just try to do better next time.
To be honest, I think if you were a 'normal' weight the doctor wouldn't have said a thing. Your son's stats don't at all sound overweight to me. If I recall correctly, my daughter had similar stats at that age --was just like your son with the skinny arms/legs and toddler tummy. She is an absolute stringbean now fwiw. My son seems naturally built "bigger" (as in, body type) but is slim as well.
I third the suggestion not to make a big deal of it, not restricting foods and the like. It sounds like all he needs is just to up the activity level a bit which can easily be done with fun park trips and the like.
With my kids I was determined, absolutely determined to not make food an issue AT ALL. Nothing is forbidden, nothing is restricted, there is no talk of good/bad foods, thin/fat, etc. It's all about energy level and what best fuels our bodies to do the things we want/need to do. In terms of my weight, my daughter has only recently noticed me weighing myself and stuff. She asked if I was trying to get "thin". I said, no there are plenty of thin people who are unhealthy. I am trying to get to a weight that allows me to comfortably do all that God has planned for me. They're both very slim and naturally eat to satisfaction/stop when full which I am so grateful for.
Just my opinion here but I also believe the vast majority of weight issues are caused by deep emotional pain that's not dealt with in a healthy way and that if our kids don't have that, (or we teach them how to deal with big emotions in a healthy way) they will be less likely to choose food to self-medicate. You sound like a great mama who loves her son and wants the best for him. Don't stress!
Thanks for everything. All of his other check ups have been okay perfect weight for his height (well except for his 2 month check up he was over what they wanted him to be and I told him get bent he will work himself out- and he did). He is an overly active kid. As I said before getting him to sit down sometimes is the the problem. He loves to try new foods as long as i try it first and I give him the nick jr pep talk "try it you'll like it" "its yummy in your tummy". I really thought I was doing good with him. We don't talk about weight but we do talk about eating nutritious meals (thanks to sid the science kid). He only get about 2 hrs of TV per day and I try to make sure its educational and kid approved ie nick jr and pbs.
Passing it on to kids-Feeling Guilty-Really Long
