[possiblesuccess]

It's 2:45 am...I have been up since 1. I had been reading some other posts, particularly "Ashamed to go to the Doctor," and I started thinking about my own mental roadblocks to being the healthy person I deserve to be. Yesterday afternoon I had a pretty hurtful thing happen at work. I work in fast food, and I took an order to a group of teenagers, and as I walked away from their table, one of the boys snorted at me. It mad me sad, and pretty pissed off since I wasn't sure what to do about the situation. But now that its the early morning, and I have nothing to do but think, I have realized something. The teenage jerk who thought he was being funny, was really reflecting how I feel about myself. It hurt so much because a stranger has the guts to say what I don't want to say to myself. I feel extremely uncomfortable most of the time.

The other day, I made a post about how I was so excited because I had finished my first in home Zumba work out. I think I may have tried to start to big, when I wasn't in the space mentally to keep it up for more than the one work out. I pulled out my old white board I used for motivation, and I rewrote it.

I have given myself a list of guidelines to help me get started on the right track. The list is as follows:

1) Walk 20-30 min every day, rain or shine (My old doctor told me that walking would also help me with my depression, and I feel its a good starting point)
2) Drink plenty of water
3) Iced tea is ok at work (free soda is not my friend, perhaps one diet soda everyonce in a while, but for now, its off limits)
4) Love yourself as much as your boyfriend loves you (of course on my board it has his name)
5) Always carry a food journal
6) 2500 calories a day (NO fried food) [Now this is a little weird for me. I used a calorie calculator the other day and to MAINTAIN my current weight, I need to eat just over 3200 calories a day...WOW...so, I don't want to cut calories so much that I give up. This number will of course be re-evaluated frequently)
7) Baby steps; This is do-able

I am hoping that my hurtful experience at work will help me get going on the right track. I have done this before, I just need to believe in and love myself enough to do it again, and make sure it sticks this time. Now hopefully after my epiphany I will be able to get some sleep.

[Amy23]

You've taken a really sensible approach about everything. I don't know that I could have been as strong as you had the same thing happened to me. But you handled it with grace, and you saw that idiot for what he was: an immature little sh**.

I love the list you've made; it sounds reasonable and doable. It's important not to throw yourself in the deep end and expect it to be sustainable -- that's always been my problem, anyway. I've had to be patient throughout this whole thing, even if PCOS is a constant thorn in my side and I just wish the weight would drop off tomorrow!

But like you said, you've done this before: all you need to do is harness whatever worked the first time, and use everything you've learned since then, which is probably a lot. It took me years of trying and failing before I was finally able to stick at something. But I don't really regret any of those attempts. Each one taught me something invaluable that I needed for this time; to make sure this time is the time that it sticks.

Good luck with everything.

[Amy23]

P.S And congrats for managining even one session of Zumba. I can't. I just can't.

[pluckypear]

possiblesuccessWow how organized and mature to create a whiteboard outline of specific goals. You are on your way. I like it.

And what that rude person said/noise made etc. rememember has to do with him and not you. Feel sorry for him. He has had bad parenting and feels badly about himself. However this does not excuse that he is a poor excuse for a human being and likely already has some disorder like narcissistic disorder and sadly by the teenage years not likely reversible. As for you, your life will get better. His will remain sad and likely get sadder.

[NorCalMommy]

I LOVE the white board idea! I'm going to try it!