I am a complete mess at the moment sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face.
In 6 weeks my youngest son goes off to college. A few months ago I was a bit of a wreck about the empty nest thing, but I got a dog, increased some of my activities, made some plans for how I would spend my time while he's gone, including making what I thought was a new friend and of course looking forward to summers for the next couple of years when my son will come home to visit.
All of a sudden, he's got this terrific opportunity but it means he won't come home again. It involves the person I thought was my friend and it means that person disappears from my life also. Suddenly my plan for how to cope with my last baby going to college is dissolved. I am so not ready for this. (I should add my other child is in the military overseas and I am not close at all with my first family, so this is like losing the last of my family)
No more reason to keep this house I can't afford. I'm upside down in it and it will be a huge financial loss no matter what I do, but without any other person to help fill it up... sort of pushes me in the direction to dump it and walk away from all that fictitious equity.
My son will be gone gone gone in just a few weeks. I should be happy and grateful for what's happening for him, but I feel abandoned and rejected and I don't have anyone I can talk to. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself for feeling negatively when I should feel only joy for his opportunity and gratitude for the person who is opening that door for him.
I want to explode, implode, disappear, stop feeling all at the same time.
I don't really want any advice. I just needed to tell someone about this pain and try not to turn it in on myself. After awhile I will calm down and make a plan. I'm really good with plans. I just verb frogging groggy frogs at dealing with my negative emotions.
You've given me a lot to think about. I'm a SAHM of two sons, ages 9 and 6. I tend to want to wish their life away b/c they drive me up a wall at times, lol. But reading this makes me want to enjoy them when they are little b/c it seems so fleeting. Thanks for the reality check.
I have done that so many times I can't even count. My youngest goes to college away and he and I were the closest. I have a 23 and a 19 yr old both boys. Its hard but you kind of get used of them being away. And enjoy the alone time. Find a new hobby or a good book to get into or do just like you did today come on here and vent. Start yourself a blog to write down what you are feeling and helps you get through some stuff. I have started a blog and I know it helps me when I am feeling lonely and have no one to turn too. Sometimes it just feels better if you sit and tell it to someone even if it is just to yourself.
Thank you wuv. The venting helped and I found a FB friend who also helped me with perspective. It felt so good to just let it out! I'm still a little shook up but I don't feel blind-sided or abandoned anymore...
fitmom, yeah, little goobers can be quite a handful. Trust me, keep loving them, do your best to keep them out of trouble and safe, and eventually they will grow into themselves and blossom. My boys both had their moments coming up, but now my oldest is a US Marine and my youngest is going to school to be a high school math teacher and is a budding entrepreneur. I couldn't be prouder of their choices and the men they have become!
I know you said you wanted to vent and I totally get that. But you said some very important things. Your son is going on to the next stage of his life, this attitude may certainly drive him away from you for good. He can't be your sole emotional support. Use this as an opportunity to go out and live in the wider world.
As for the house, SELL IT! get it in order (even if you have to hire someone like a housekeeper or professional stager/organizer to do so.... its money well spent) and find yourself a house or apartment that is within your budget and doesn't make you feel like you're drowing. Use some of that equity that you've turned into cash to nicely furnish your new place and have a bedroom waiting for your son with some of his old things (but not all of them) for all of those times he's got vacations.
I can't identify directly but I know what its like to get stuck in a cycle of emotional dependence and have that all unravel. Its really hard but for your sake and your son's sake take a step and change your life as he's changing his.
Get together with your friends in person, not FB and if they aren't available then find a book club or other type of gathering on meetup. Your religious institution, volunteering, arts classes, yoga, gym, belly dancing.... find some things that appeal to you and go do those things!!!
My fiance's mother does this thing called OSHER where anyone over 50 (or 45)? Can take classes at the local university for nearly nothing. Its not for credit but its a great way to get out and about. And you can discuss your classes with your son! If you're too young for OSHER then perhaps you can look into taking classes at a local university or community college for credit!!! Perhaps this might be your chance to get another degree or something.
The world is at your fingertips. Use your freedom to explore the world and yourself!!!!
My son isn't my sole emotional support. You're right that it would be a problem if he was. It would also be a problem if I showered him with those negative feelings I was having (which I didn't) and it also would have been a problem if I turned all that negativity against myself (which I didn't).
Thank goodness I could come here and vent and let it all out safely!!!
Because you sound worried, I feel like I need to make it clear, I'm a young vital 42 year old who is out and active in the world. I work 50 hours/week. Go out with my girlfriends at least once each week, take exercise classes twice a week. Have other friends and family whom I visit occasionally, am currently taking a Python programming class. The person I was talking with on FB is a high school classmate... Last Fall when I began feeling sad about empty nest I got myself a puppy and she is a wonderful companion and so nice to come home to, even if she does drool.
I do like your idea of getting involved in more activities. Earlier today I was scoping out the schedule at the gym next to my work. I think maybe I'll go for a membership so I can take more different kinds of exercise classes in addition to the one I'm trying now.
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to answer and share your point of view. My OP was me having a little hissy fit and emotionally purging here. It felt really good to get it out and I'm so grateful to be able to do that. I find the community here so incredibly supportive.
I can only empathize right now. My oldest is 15 and a sophomore this year, and my other baby girl is 3 1/2. Big stretch in between, but after reading what you feel this moment, I am so glad mine are spaced out. Not that it will make the inevitable not happen, but not so soon!!!
I can emplathise - my 23 year old daughter is out of home, the boys are 16 and 19. A blink and I will be an empty nest owner.
A big big big change after quarter of a century of chidren.
and just like that... ka-boom
