I have a lovely girlfriend at work that I am very close to. We go out to lunch once every two weeks and occasionally have a drink at lunch...She also keeps the candy jar stocked and whenever she gets a piece of candy she gives me one too. Lastly Whenever we go out to lunch she east maybe 40% of her food and then offers it to me and I before I would have eaten most if not all of it. This is pretty consistent.
When I jumped back on the weight loss wagon I banned myself from the candy dish, stopped eating out, no drinking, and only eating my food. I felt like I needed some time to adjust to my new eating habits.
Also she knows I'm trying really hard to make it work.
So first when she brought over the candy to my desk when she got some for herself and I said no, she literally sat there for 2 min say but don't you want the candy? She did this for a few weeks. One day I thought ok I will have one piece of candy because I want it and not because she offered to me, and I got a snarky comment.
We went out to lunch the other day and I managed to not have a drink, no appetizer, but she offered me her food, which I ate a bit of before managing to stop myself.
We were supposed to go out to dinner last week, but she said if I don't drink she didn't want to go, so this week I gave in and had 1/2a margarita,No appetizers, no dessert, and baked chicken and veggies for dinner. She did the usual here you can eat the rest of mine and I said no thank you (part of it was she had shrimp and I'm allergic, but normally I probably would have tasted it anyway. And I manged not to eat any of the chips and dip (we had mexican) before dinner.
Ok so today I bring my lunch every day and I' m into "ethinic" food (soul, indian, thai, chinese,) and since I have been cooking I have been using spices to flavor my meat and vegetables.
We've been sitting in the same room together for over 4 years and I've eaten all of those things before and today it stunk and how could i eat that.
I wanted to bop her. I feel like I've been making concessions so we could still do out usual things together and she hasn't been helpful at all.
I guess if it was the other way around I would make an effort to NOT offer you food I know you're trying to avoid.
ok I've decided no more concessions, but I'm grumpy and needed to get that off my chest.
That definitely sounds like a bit of sabotage going on there and it probably has a lot to do with her own insecurities. Regardless of the reason, that type of sabotage is difficult to deal with so YAY!! to you for continuing to work to make the right choices for you!
I find that some people don't take our desire to be healthier seriously; and others, seem to feel threatened by it, like we are judging them becuz we won't participate in the old habits and/or rituals of the past. I see not only sabotage here, but a bit of control on your friend's part. "If you won't drink with me, I don't want to go out with you" -- that sounds like a spoiled little girl who wants her way or no way ...
Good for you standing up to her; maybe it's time for the "I must make these changes for my health's sake" talk ... if she is truly your friend, she would want you to be healthy and well, so you can have a good long life to share with your friends and family in the future!
Thanks for the support. I love you guys. After I decompressed a little maybe the food was "stinky" but it tasted good..and it was good for me. I am going to stop the going out to lunch for right now. I haven't been tempted to go its more to spend time with her.
Unconscious sabotage? Nope that sounds like the plain old conscious sort to me. I've had to deal with too many people who wanted me as 'the fat friend' and set out to ruin anything good I do for myself to believe otherwise. The candy offering and nasty comment particularly, was designed to "put you back in your place" and it makes my blood boil that people do that to their 'friends'.
She stopped for a while and on friday she put a piece of candy on my desk. I stuck it in my drawer and figure I'll collect them and give them back to her at the end of the week. Weirdly it was kind of empowering having the candy in the drawer and not eating it.
In a totally not so nice kind of way I will be happy to give them all back to her. No I"m not tempted, looking at them actually pisses me off since each one represents her not caring about me losing weight.
I think it is a mistake to think others have influence over our eating choices. In reality we are the only one feeding our mouths. You don't have to be rude, but you can be firm in all your decisions/reasons to eat. Some days you will want to eat candy or stinky foods, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it and you don't need their approval. You can still be great friends, but it will help your own resolve to be firm when you say no to an offering by saying so with a caveat, "not now, maybe another time". This way you don't lock yourself into absolutes. Sometimes you eat candy, sometimes you don't. That is what people of a normal weight do.
As much as we would like weight loss support, it is not her responsibility to help you in your diet. If anything she says or does bothers you, have a heart to heart and talk about what your needs are. At least it will be presented and she can choose how to be a good friend.
No one can sabotage you. You have the power to govern your life as you want it to be.
I understand where you're coming from, but if I've told her repeatedly no I don't want any candy because I'm trying to lose weight and she repeatedly ignores me. Now we have an issue. She isn't controlling what I eat, however I think as a friend she should think hey she's trying to lose weight I don't have to involve her in my own bad habit.
Obviously she isn't and rather than get into a heated and snark argument which is what it would become at this point I've chosen to use it to empower myself.
This isn't about my ability to say yes or no, its about a person who I care about showing disregard for something that's important to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elisaannh
I think it is a mistake to think others have influence over our eating choices. In reality we are the only one feeding our mouths. You don't have to be rude, but you can be firm in all your decisions/reasons to eat. Some days you will want to eat candy or stinky foods, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it and you don't need their approval. You can still be great friends, but it will help your own resolve to be firm when you say no to an offering by saying so with a caveat, "not now, maybe another time". This way you don't lock yourself into absolutes. Sometimes you eat candy, sometimes you don't. That is what people of a normal weight do.
As much as we would like weight loss support, it is not her responsibility to help you in your diet. If anything she says or does bothers you, have a heart to heart and talk about what your needs are. At least it will be presented and she can choose how to be a good friend.
No one can sabotage you. You have the power to govern your life as you want it to be.
I'd collect them all then leave them on her desk to find. I know it is passive aggressive but dang you have told her over and over. Sounds like it is partly wanting to "keep your in your place" and partly her being intimidated by you putting so much effort in. It will give her a sense of power to "talk you into" having candy. So lame. If she is someone you truly value then I would sit her down for a serious heart to heart. And if she didn't respond to that its hit the bricks, baby.
I have a son who is almost three and when I have told people about our family's decision to most likely homeschool people get very defensive and defend their school. Its like, wait! I'm not putting down your school, I'm just saying what is right for our family. (we travel a lot, like to be independent from the school calendar among other reasons)
How about asking your friend to go for a walk instead of going out to lunch? And instead of a big dinner go to a healthclub and work out together. You could have a light bite to eat afterward. Why is it important to her that you have alcohol? If you decide you want a drink maybe something with less calories. Vodka and soda with a squeeze of lime, I've heard about this "Skinny Girl Margarita" which I believe is tequila, splash of Triplesec or Cointreau and fresh lime. Or wine. Good luck.
This is EXACTLY the reason I have sought out this forum instead of telling all my family, friends, and co-workers. EVERY TIME I go on a diet... I am sabotaged. I know... they don't put the food in my mouth and they don't hold a gun to my head telling me not to exercise ... but they sure to make it a lot more difficult.... and it's difficult enough without all that mess!
I also had a co-worker that ate like a bird, but the minute she saw me go on a diet, she brought in candy, cookies, cake, treated me to lunch... etc etc. EVERY TIME!!!
Thank goodness, she isn't there anymore and her replacement is more than happy to be on board with me!
Just like Rainlady said... SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT YOU.... PERIOD
How about asking your friend to go for a walk instead of going out to lunch? And instead of a big dinner go to a healthclub and work out together. You could have a light bite to eat afterward. Why is it important to her that you have alcohol? If you decide you want a drink maybe something with less calories. Vodka and soda with a squeeze of lime, I've heard about this "Skinny Girl Margarita" which I believe is tequila, splash of Triplesec or Cointreau and fresh lime. Or wine. Good luck.
lol
how about she find a new friend? Why try to adapt to fit hostile people?
I really do sympathize and think it's horrible that anyone would intentionally try to sabotage you.
But let me tell you...and I am NOT an assertive person generally and tend to be a people-pleaser....but when it comes to dieting, I am militant about it. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, trust me. I lost my weight with Atkins and everyone knew I would only eat what was allowed. No was no and that was it....I don't care if they spent hours cooking something for me that I couldn't have...forget it, I wasn't eating it...and wasn't even tasting it. I told people in advance what I could and could not eat if I was going out to dinner, either at their house or at a restaurant.......and believe me, if you are assertive and stick to your guns, they begin to back off, amazingly.
Wish I could be so assertive in the rest of my life. You'd think I'd learn.
Unconcious Sabotage????
