Do you ever feel like your weight has affected your femininity? I have been dealing with this feeling that because I don't feel very sexually attractive at my weight, that I just don't feel as womanly as I should. I feel like because so many men seem to see through me, rather than seeing me, it makes me feel a bit sexless in terms of attraction.
Very much so. I'm starting to feel more feminine again finally, but I spent SO long feeling the way you describe that it's sorta ingrained a bit on my psyche... kinda annoying. I hope it continues to improve. Maybe I should start wearing more skirts now.
I think skirts are always good....the only problem is that I wore big skirts for a long time, and so the weight came on faster than when I am trying to fit into tight jeans.
I have a problem with cankles, so I avoid skirts and dresses at times.
I hear you... It does get better though in time just keep working on yourself and treat yourself well. Maybe try things you might not normally do like maybe getting your nails done? Treat yourself to girly things as "rewards" for small chunks of weight loss. It couldn't hurt.
The ankles on me were one of the first things to slim down so maybe you don't have to wait too long, but I understand how it's uncomfortable to show them. I still can't wear shorts comfortably yet because of leg issues.
Undeniably. Aside from being seen through as you mentioned, the fact that I was never "curvy" fat (no hips, rear, or chest to speak of and a wide waist) I didn't think I looked very feminine either. Add to that my shapeless unisexish clothes (pants, sweatshirts, etc.) and I really didn't feel girly at all. And being 6 ft tall doesn't help in this area a bit!!! Super depressing.
The weight loss is really helping. I look so much better than I did, I can fit into better looking girl-clothes, and I don't feel as invisible as I used to with men - although that has all sorts of other issues, such as I don't really know what to do when I get that kind of attention or don't recognize it when it's happening, but that's a topic for another thread.
I'm apple shaped, which means I'm basically the same from chest to hips with a few inches varying. I don't feel like a girl at all, and at times I feel like I should just give up and wear a couch covering or something, it might be more flattering than some of the cuts of clothes they're putting out in the plus sized departments. Skirts are the devil though, I could get into a size 26 skirt even when I couldn't fit into a size 32 pant. Pants'll keep you honest
I guess I'm a little different, what defines me as a woman and a feminine creature in general, isn't my size..it's never been my size. It's me, my eyes, my smile, my laugh. The fact that I truly care about people and what happens to them, my loving nature. I asked my husband what attracted him to me..just to get a man's perspective and he said, "your aura, you are this amazing creature of energy and light, you had me from the first moment".
I asked my husband what attracted him to me..just to get a man's perspective and he said, "your aura, you are this amazing creature of energy and light, you had me from the first moment".
That is so sweet What a great guy you have.
I have to agree with sweetcakes on this; I have not had an issue with femininity despite being obese. I guess that is partially due to never being a girly-girl (or really having a desire to be so) I was always a tom-boy as a kid, and never cared for pink fluffy sparkly things, if that makes sense.
I have no doubt that every one of you is feminine, and equally as feminine as any other woman on the planet. Why? Because no matter what shape our body parts take, if someone checks your DNA, you're going to come up girl every time.
How someone else sees us (or doesn't see us) has absolutely nothing to do with the definition of your sex. Your sex drive doesn't define your sex. How you look in a dress doesn't define your ability to be a woman. What advertisers tell you about how their product is going to help define and improve your ability to be a woman is all a giant marketing lie. A man not seeing you, not being attracted to you, does not define your ability to be a woman.
You were all born female. A God-given right. An act of nature. Who is capable of diminishing that? Who could possibly deny that? Not even you!
You get to define your brand of feminine. Your brand can take whatever form you want it to take. You can share it with a broad DIVA spin or you can put some baggy sweats over it and save it all for yourself. You can pull out your b*#@& and help motivate some people or you can exercise prudence and remain hushed. Any man that diminishes your brand of feminine ways is a misogynist, because his manhood evaporates in your presence and you scare the pee out of him.
As you can see, I too had issues with my brand of feminine. I'm still in the process of reclaiming it, but I'm really happy with how far I've come.
Yesterday I got my hair done. Did it entirely for me. Didn't want to look sexy, didn't want to look butch, didn't want to look matronly. Wanted to look like me! Came home, not looking for compliments, just enjoyed my hair for myself, how it felt to turn my head, how soft it felt on my hands. My hair is finally for me! And my womanhood is for me.
I like to read about women who are so comfortable in their own skin, for I have never been. Even when thin I felt like a fraud. I never got over the experience that when I was obese, I was invisible, when I was thin, I was told how beautiful I was. I had only changed one thing, my body size. I wore the same type of clothes, I wore the same hairstyle and the same makeup.
There is no getting around the truth that much of society bases worth on appearances. I understand that. But dealing with it first hand really affected how I felt about myself as a woman. A few of the same men that wouldn't give me the time of day when I was obese, tripped over themselves to win my hand when thin. The hypocrisy was astounding. Self confidence had nothing to do with it. It was the perceived looks.
I eventually gained the weight back after I could no longer deal with it (maintained my 120 weight loss for 7 years). I needed my safe zone again, I guess. At least when heavy, I feel more like me, yet even in obesity, I find that same strange feeling of disassociation as I do when thin.
Now I am married to a wonderful man, who by the way, does not find me attractive. He loves me, but he was honest about not being attracted to my body shape and size. He does not judge me in that way otherwise, he very supportive and caring. I struggle now with wanting to change how I feel about myself as I am losing weight, realizing that it is a completely different situation now with aging on top of it. I have all kinds of feelings about the process, from wondering if I will appear more attractive to my husband, or whether I will feel feminine again, and even whether I will even actually be thin as now I will have loose skin issues. I dream of wearing heels again, silky dresses, things that I would feel foolish wearing at 300 pounds and being 54 years old. I don;t have the inner light to carry it off. I am a wallflower type.
Aging has brought a completely different perspective on my sense of self. I am leaning more towards wanting soft and delicate fabrics, colours and now have very long hair that I wear up in a bun with hair jewelry. I too, am working through this. Just one more time, I would like to feel pretty inside and out. The last time I felt better about myself and appearance was around the 200 pound mark. I am only 6 pounds from that....hoping I feel the spark again!
Last edited by three herring; 02-19-2010 at 03:02 PM.
Great idea for a thread! I am absolutely confused and fascinated by women who can still feel sexy despite thier weight. Man, it seems so impossible to me. I know that my confidence is intertwined with my weight, and it's silly, but I can't get away from it. Maybe it'll change as I get older ?
Dunno, but it's also good to hear that I'm not alone in how much my size affects how I feel about myself, like I feel pretty damn down today, and it's all due to seeing my profile in teh mirror and feeling the pinch of my nylons...
Interesting as well is that I tell myself stuff I"d never tell someone else. I wouldn't be that mean. I have friends who I supppose are women of 'size' who rock it, they're absolute stunners, their weight is secondary... Oooh, how I wish that were me!
Very excited about this thread because I was thinkin' the same thing a bit ago, and it can be inspiring to read other peo[ple's stories or points of view.
Wow! so many amazing stories! I think that we all contribute so much support on this board. It is amazing!
I have been working on reclaiming my femininity by putting more effort into the outer appearance and doing things that feel like a bit of pampering---lipstick, nice smelling lotion, etc. But I think it helps because if I am feeling like I look nice, then that insecurity isn't interfering with other aspects of myself.
Femininity is a funny one for me. I was born a thick-boned, tall, intelligent, outgoing woman in a family of small people who judge a woman's worth by her (small) size and her ability to be submissive. Needless to say, I have been viewed as a pitiful thing by family members most of my life. It took me years to find my own truth.
I've made many poor choices regarding men. I've done - and avoided doing - all kinds of things to gain a certain acceptance from certain family members. I think when I finally reached about 35 years old, I finally "got" it.
I have some traditionally "masculine" traits. I am tall, strong, and smart at all the things women aren't supposed to be smart at - current events, math, technology. And since I am tall and strong, I can wrap you into a pretzel if you piss me off. But I won't, because I'm civilized and I have communication and problem-solving skills. I have a high sex drive, and often I can identify with how men view sex more than with how women do.
I also have many typically "feminine" traits. I have long silky hair, fine facial features, and nice hands. I am nurturing to the core. I love having people around me, helping people, entertaining, decorating, and cooking. I have a pretty unobtrusive demeanor, probably to compensate for the "masculine" traits mentioned above. I love babies and children and everybody who knows me is surprised I don't have fifty of them.
I've finally gotten to the point where I just am who I am, no apologies. I don't try to hide or change it any more. If my family is uncomfortable with who I am, they can own that. It's not my problem.
I'm almost 40. I have a career that is more intellectually and financially rewarding than I ever thought possible. I have a college-aged son who is well-rounded and finding his way into adulthood. I just met the love of my life within the past year. My partner shatters the archetype I've developed for men, again and again. He's nothing like my father, yet my father loves him.
The last remnant of that confusing part of my life seems to be my weight.
Love this thread. It taps into what I was thinking about yesterday and this morning.
Inside, I am "feminine." For me, that means I love girly colors, soft fabrics, dresses, and skirts. Too bad most clothes in my size are tents full of couch flowered fabric.
Outside I am more masculine than I want to be. Out of 7 children I am the only girl and sometimes I ask God if he forgot to give me all my feminine genes. By that I mean I'm big boned, with big hands, what I consider to be a rough more masculine face. And hair, don't get me started on the hair. Sideburns (my aunt and cousin warned me never to start cutting them off but I didn't listen), mustache, beard, hairy arms, chest and back, etc. The hair on the lip, arms , chest, and back are fine in texture but not the rest of it. My doctors keep telling me it's not a hormone imbalance. I have read tho that being obese can cause some of this but not sure about that. My maternal grandmother only had three kids, two of which were girls, and she and my mom had some of these same issues. My paterneral grandmother had 11 kids and only two of them were girls; they were big boned too and I remember one of them having alot of facial hair. But they all looked feminine.
My poor nices and great nieces, they share in this hairyness too but not the rest of it. All of their features are pleasingly feminine/soft. And so far their extra hair remains fine in texture.
I've always said I never learned how to be feminine. My mom died when I was ten and all that was left in my household was males and me. Sigh.
I can "pretty-up" with makeup but I hate wearing any makeup other than lipstick.
But I do indulge what I like. I love pedicures and this Christmas, I finally gave myself permission to splurge on my favorite perfumes which, to me, are expensive. I'm cheap so that was a biggie for me. I love the feel of soft fabric carressing my ankles when I wear dresses and skirts so this weekend I'll be starting on a trek to put those back into my wardobe.
This is really rambling but that's where my head is at on this issue.
Last edited by MoveMoveMove; 02-22-2010 at 08:37 PM.
Weight and femininity
What a great guy you have.
