[CatWuv]

Hi all,

For some reason when things are going well I will binge and fall off the wagon until I am feeling extremely depressed and hopeless. For example, last week I was feeling up and in the first time in years I felt like my own self again--someone who saw humor in situations and had a sense of worth. It was wonderful and felt like a real breakthrough. I was losing inches and had taken up strength training. Then, for reasons I am trying to understand, late that night I felt compelled, with no room for reason, to eat three grilled cheese sandwiches in a row. Since then, I have been on a mad binge and have gained 12 pounds already.
Today I am determined because I feel like I have hit bottom and am ready to eat rationally again. It is an awful feeling to feel that you cannot stop eating even when all the hard won progress you have made starts to evaporate. I am really afraid that when I feel good again I will binge once more.
At some gut level, I must be afraid to lose-- scared of what it will mean if I lose the bulk of this weight. I always think about all the things I can't do because of the weight but the truth is that I am petrified of the changes contained in what it means to be fit and healthy. I use the obesity to hide me from all the messiness of life. I don't look for love, new friends, new experiences or a new career. I feel unfulfilled but safe even though I know I am really in a miserable space of missed opportunities and looming health problems.
Thank you for listening to me ramble on. I just had to get it out.

Keri

[MetaChick]

Hey Keri...I so,so,so feel your pain. For years I was either on top of the world losing weight, or in an ever tightening spiral of binging and despair. Our obesity is the result of a complex mix of behavioural, psychological, emotional and physiological issues, and when we feel most overwhelmeded and mystified by our own actions it can feel impossible to untangle. To me the key is cutting through that fog and finding something simple to manage and control. Dominoes fall both ways, and feeling a little bit good leads to feeling a little bit better, and so on.

I'd like to ask a silly question...Is a grilled cheese sandwich something you would have included in your on-plan menu? Not three for a bedtime snack, but one for lunch or whatever? Or was it a food you preferred to avoid?

[Rafaella]

CatWuv.. while reading your post I felt it was me writing. It happens exactly the same to me, after a few days of control and staying on plan (and being happy) I binge and eat like the world´s gonna end, then I feel miserable and start eating healthy until the cycle starts again.
I don´t have real answers of why we do this and how to stop it, and I know there´s a LOT of people who have the same problem (you´re not the only one). All I try to do is when I start having the "bad thoughts" try to do things, if I do binge the first moment I can I stop. Right then it feels useless, like "ohhh I ate so so much I already won everything I had lost" but I try to stop the cycle as soon as I can, and start again.
A few days ago I read a quote, it was on somebody´s signature and it said "I tried and failed a thousand times. But I tried one more time and that´s the time that worked". Don´t get ahead of time, maybe THIS is the time it will work 4 you!!

[vanity0326]

I am the same way. If I have a significant loss, the following week I eat like crazy.

This has been one of the bad weeks. I continue to journal my calories and feel even worse as I see what I am doing and don't stop. But every Monday, I say this is the week I stay on track.

I am with you, CatWuv, MetaChick, Rafaella, and all of us who feel this way.
A journey begins with a step . . . .

[CatWuv]

Hi Folks,

Thanks so much for your wonderful, compassionate responses. It means so much that I am not going through this alone. I could have written every above response.
MetaChick, I do sometimes have "legal" grilled cheese sandwiches made with butter spray and every calorie counted. I would have loved to have had one of these but I was in the all-or-nothing mindset that precluded it so I went with the stick of butter variety.

I have looked at all the possible reasons for a binge and have boiled it down to a lack of a fulfilling life to take my mind off a food as a substitute. Or I use food to manage stress and uncomfortable feelings. Either way, I feel so powerless to stop that I wonder if I am really an addict and I should stop believing that deep down I have control over what I eat. I am so confused and feel helpless.
I do believe that I have hit bottom once again and will be on a dieting upswing for a while. I just pray that I learn effective tools to prevent the inevitable urge to binge so I can finally see some progress!
Thank you.
Keri

[Ratkitten]

I've often wondered why I sabotage myself as I am getting closer to goal weight. Here I am again, within 80 lbs (if that's close) and i see myself doing the same things. I've thought a lot about how I hide within the mounds of flesh.

Looking back, I saw my Mom's life start with us kids. It didn't matter that her childhood wasn't easy or good, but she never ever talked about it. She never did anything for herself, but catered to us kids and dad growing up.

I know in with past weight loss, I've been afraid of relationships.... losing myself especially if kids are involved. Waiting until I can't have kids might have helped some this time around. Relationships are still scary. I had someone whistle at me the other day. It was flattering and scary all at the same time.

Not sure if my rambling makes any sense.

Hugs and Luv,
Ratkity

[BXGirl]

Prior to reading this thread I responded to a similar thread and was basically able to post much of the same thing here and there as they closely relate for me as far as my own situation. I can closely identify to the posts here.....

I get pretty out of control with the binges. My last hiatus, I was down to 302 and almost out of the 300's (very close to my first goal) but then I let the binges run awry and I ended up back where I started at my highest of 320. Back to square one again!

I know for myself I need to learn how to cope in other ways other than food. Journaling is a good release for me but I tend to not do it to often (pure laziness- another one of my downfalls), even though I know I should. It is a healthy alternative and really helps me to tune into myself and my emotions instead of tuning into food.

For instance, I have been feeling really down & out lately (right now specifically) and I should of written on this board or journaled first but instead I turned to food and ate. Grrrrrr, I have some very instinctual and unhealthy patterns I need to break but I know it is all a part of the process of learning and getting healthy!

HUGS