Today ends week one of the journey to me and I am feeling pretty positive until the DH sends me out to lunch for him and kids. This really irritated me because he knows that I can't eat that stuff so I feel that he should be making those trips. In addition, he asks me what I am making him and kids for dinner. Really?
Someone shed some light for me - how do you handle having to eat separate from your family? Do you still do all of the cooking for the family even if it is a menu that you are not supposed to be having? Am I wrong in thinking that if he needs to be more supportive and go get lunch himself or take over some of the cooking? I know this is my choice but I won't do well if I don't have his support.
Why are you eating separate from the family? That doesn't even make sense. Don't you want them to be healthy? I've lost 200 pounds and have never eaten separate and fixed 2 meals. I certainly would not stop cooking for the family. You are cutting yourself off and expecting way, way too much from your family.
I have to agree with you and QInVa...I make all the meals which are healthy and if my husband or son doesn't want it, then they know where the kitchen is. Luckily my hubby loves to eat healthy and my son who's 5(almost 6) loves almost everything I cook or if I'm making something in a way he won't like I'll leave off spices or sauce to make it more kid-friendly and my 11m old eats of course whatever I give her. I think they need to either eat what you're preparing or they're out of luck! Maybe you need to educate them on their food choices if they're eating poorly and put your foot down that your home is going to be a healthy eating zone from now on, that doesn't mean they can't have treats once in a while, but they will be eating a little different. Just my opinion, but I think most households could use some tough love when it comes to their food choices.
Yes, I do eat separatly from my family. We just have different tastes in food and in general my husband likes food I "can't" eat. So typically what happens is one of four things. 1-I use the same meat but prepare it different. I'll make spagetti for him but a healthy meatloaf for me for example 2 - he's cooks for himself and I cook for myself or 3 - he eats something frozen or microwavable or 4 - there are some meals that we can both eat that I try to do as frequently as possible and I try to find new stuff we can eat together as often as possible. My son is super picky so I even have to make a seperate dinner for him as well, but that's a whole other story. Sometimes I will make a trip to a fast food restaurant for DH, but honestly that stuff makes me gag now days and I have no problems getting it for him and going home and making myself an on plan meal. I wish he didn't eat that crap because I worry about his health, but you really can't change people and I've made my opinion pretty clear about it so it is what it is. I know this all sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn't and it's just part of life for me now and what I had to do to make my weight loss a success and how I plan to make it permanent. Fortunatly DH understands and he understands that eating like him is what got me to the weight I was and eating like I do now is what has gotten me where I am today. Good luck I hope you can find a system that works for you.
I fix the same meal for the whole family if they don't like it then they don't have to eat at first my kids were a bit resistant but hey I'm the parent right?
Now it's just something we do....if my DH wants fast food he has plenty of time to get it at his lunch time at work. I won't contribute to that habit
Today ends week one of the journey to me and I am feeling pretty positive until the DH sends me out to lunch for him and kids. This really irritated me because he knows that I can't eat that stuff so I feel that he should be making those trips. In addition, he asks me what I am making him and kids for dinner. Really?
So did you tell him that you felt that he should be making those food trips, or did you just think it? And when he asked what you were making him and the kids, did you say "Honey, I'd like you to make dinner for you and the kids tonight," or did you just secretly wish he would say "Honey, I'm going to make dinner for me in the kids while you're dieting, because I know it will be easier on you and I'd just love to help in any way I can?"
Are you expecting him to read your mind or anticipate your needs and be able and willing to do so without having to be told - if you're thinking "I shouldn't have to tell him what I want and need, he should know," I'd suggest rethinking that.
Men (and women too) really make crappy mind readers. The "normal" pattern becomes so routine that people can forget there's ever been or ever could be any other way. My grandfather was so used to my grandmother bringing him his sandwhich for lunch, that even if she made a sandwhich for him before she left the house, when she got home he'd say "I'm hungry" as soon as she got in the door, and the sandwich would still be in the fridge uneaten.
My grandfather was perfectly able to get that sandwich himself (and to make another if he was still hungry), but the routine became so engrained he didn't even think of eating unless grandma brought him food or told him to go sit down at the table.
He wasn't an idiot, it was just such a ritual that he didn't think about it. When asked why he didn't get the sandwich in the fridge, he'd say "I forgot about it."
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Originally Posted by jhawk76
Someone shed some light for me - how do you handle having to eat separate from your family? Do you still do all of the cooking for the family even if it is a menu that you are not supposed to be having? Am I wrong in thinking that if he needs to be more supportive and go get lunch himself or take over some of the cooking? I know this is my choice but I won't do well if I don't have his support.
The best way to get his support is to tell him what you want, and how you want it. Be prepared to negotiate. Don't expect him to come up with a great idea, and follow through with it perfectly all of the time.
It's not a matter of being wrong, but if you think that a person should just know what the right, best thing to do is, you'll probably be disappointed. Most people are exactly like my grandpa with the sandwich. Even if the smartest thing to do is right under their nose, sometimes they don't see it because it isn't the way it's always been done before.
The normal eating pattern for my husband and I NOW is mostly fend for ourselves. We're both dieting, but we diet differently. We don't even usually eat our meals at the same time unless we're going out to eat. That wasn't always the pattern, and it may not always be the pattern. It took us quite a bit of experimenting to come up with this and to make it work, but without communication (and lots of it), it would never have worked.
For a while I was convinced my husband was a jerk. I couldn't believe that he didn't know me well enough to avoid ticking me off, so he had to be doing it on purpose. Interestingly enough, when I decided he was actually an idiot (who wouldn't know anything unless I told him), he became surprisingly supportive. He's willing to do almost anything I ask - as long as I ask. He's never going to anticipate my needs, I have to tell him, specifically and in great detail what I want from him.
I don't really think my husband is an idiot, but he is a guy who isn't going to see the sandwich in the fridge (the metaphorical sandwich that is). When I expect him to know what I want, I'm usually wrong. He occasionally surprises me, buying me a gift I only mentioned once that I would like.... or a gift I didn't ask for or mention, but is perfect anyway. It's just that when I expect it, I'm usually disappointed.
I just do it. My family is having KFC tonight. Instead, I had chicken breast with whole wheat noodles and corn. I typically eat whatever's for dinner, I just eat a whole lot less than I normally would, unless it's KFC, pizza, or something I know is super high in calories and not that great for me.
To QinVa and koceank29 - I appreciate your candor. This is exactly what I have joined this community for!! Support isn't always easy to hear.
I wish I was on a plan that would allow me to have the same meals as the family but unfortunately my doctor is running the show for now and I am not allowed to do so at this time. (Let me clarify I eat WITH my family but not the same food as the family). Once I get to calorie counting I will be able to have the same meals as them but that is still about 2.5 months away - I wish it was that easy.
Like ncuneo, eating like him has gotten me to this point because I am not a person that can ever eat "normal". I gain weight if a junk food thought enters my head. It is nothing for me to pack on 3-5 lbs a month if I am not super strict with myself. This means that eating my favorite foods would be detrimental to my goal. My DH and sons do not eat horrible but do like the fast food and/or snacks. Their metabolisms allow them to do that - my genetics do not. In all honesty, they could stand to gain some weight.
I know that this will get easier once I complete this phase - I had a momentary episode of irritation. Before signing up for the support of this community I would have resorted to a snack to relieve my irritation. Thank you all!
To romancediva - I really like the idea that if your DH wants to have fast food then he does it on his lunch time. This may work well for us in the coming months.
To kaplods - I did communicate my frustration before I left to pick up lunch and again upon my return. As we all know weight loss is not easy or else we would all be thin. And we just had another conversation about it that he didn't realize the impact it had on me and that he is willing to help with the temptations (Ahhh to be skinny all of your life and never have to worry). It's a work in progress and I really don't mind cooking for the family a separate meal - it's the eating out that kills me. For so long I have associated socialization and warm and happy times with eating and I love food. It's just time for a new perspective and a lifestyle change. One day at a time.
We started eating in more...have saved money and calories. I stopped giving the kids alot of fast food when I realized that it's really bad for you, even if you are thin. My boys (DH and two kids) are super picky eaters, so I have always kind of cooked different things anyway...alot of times the boys won't eat the same things. (Example: DS1 loves mashed or baked potatoes but hates corn, DS2 loves corn but hates all potatoes except french fries.) I've tried the "tough love" and still do to some extent to get them the nutrients they need, but I like way more veggies than the boys every will...so usually we have the same main dish but different sides.
I am in the "Cook One Meal for Everyone" camp. I do not make things that are yucky or taste bad. I look for ways to tweak family favorites like Mac N Cheese, Burgers and Fries, and Meatloaf.
Remember - a child needs to see a food up to 12 times before they will even put it in their mouth. As a daycare provider and mother of 4 I have worried about children that won't eat what's on their plates. It will NOT hurt them. Sometimes it means they eat a little more for afternoon snack if they didn't eat the veggies at lunch.
Its OK. Children will NOT starve. When they get the picture that *this* is what is being served, I might as well try it - you will do them a HUGE favor. For the first time in history our children have a lower life expectancy than we do. This is largely due to poor diet and inactivity.
Fast foods and store bought prepared foods are high in chemicals, salt, saturated fat and sugar. These additives cause heart disease, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. Allowing children to eat like that regularly is a form of abuse in my opinion.
Sorry to ruffle any feathers.
Last edited by mortonpixie; 07-07-2010 at 05:20 PM.
I don't have kids either (well, I have a husband, does that count?) and we eat the same thing. I do all the cooking, so if he doesn't feel full, he'll eat something else after dinner. But, I have to say, I'm a pretty terrific cook. He eats everything I've ever fixed him (except one fish dish I made so spicy, the dog wouldn't touch it; we ate out that night). I experiment with some dishes (I've started experimenting with my slowcooker since it's winter) and other times, I make a tried-and-true dish. I try to vary what I cook, but DH has his tastes. Good thing they're parallel to mine.
He asks for potatoes or rice at dinner twice to three times a week, so, depending on how my calories look that day and if it's a night-shift, I'll do up a stirfry or a meat-n-tater dish. We rarely have pasta since it causes major weight gain in me and it doesn't seem to satisfy DH very much. We have dinner out once a week (occasionally twice if we're out on the bike somewhere or we're both tired and nothing was taken out in preparation for dinner).
Before I go to the market every week, I'll ask him what he wants for dinner. He helps make the shopping list and helps plan the dinners for the week which revolve around his working schedule (breakfast and lunch are fend-for-yourself affairs). Night shifts are red meat-n-tater nights, 24 hour breaks usually feature a roast of some kind (no potatoes, only veg) so he has something for lunch, day shifts are chicken, fish or pork, Fridays are nights are dinner-out nights, and days off are whatever I feel like fixing.
I love to cook (it shows). The only thing I can't make is dessert: half of its gone before it hits the oven and I'm the only one who likes sweet stuff, so I eat the banana cakes, the blueberry muffins, the bread pudding, etc. He likes ice cream and some cakes, but he's not keen on eating them every day (I could eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner!).
We pretty much eat the same foods with some differences. For instance, if I make salad I might put more oil in his dressing than I do my own. If I make potatoes, he gets real butter on his--I use the spray. Hamburgers---I eat the patty with a huge amount of lettuce, tomatoes and onions and he eats the traditional way.
I agree with you. Once you get to calorie counting, it will be much easier for you.
OP - I'm sorry you can't eat with the family for the time being. I know how hard it is not eating the food the little ones do. I even crave their gummy vitamins! I got them all daily pill minders so I only have to smell the "hit" from the gummy vitamin bottle once a week.
I also want to declare myself in "I don't eat with my kids" group, but neither does DH. DH gets home from work about an hour after the kids want dinner. I've found that the kids eat fewer bad snacks and eat dinner better if I let them eat when they're hungry between 5:30 and 6:00, and that DH and I digest better if we get to eat after they're in bed. That doesn't mean that my kids don't eat as healthy as I do. They just prefer their veggies on the side (I like stir fries and I add veggies to pasta as "filler"). They have a narrower range on foods and they want them prepared "simply". Right now, they eat a lot of fruit at each meal because the only veggies I can get them to eat reliably are peas, sugar snap peas, and sweet potatoes. They love strawberries, blueberries, plums, peaches, apples, and blackberries often with Greek yogurt. This way, they get a healthy dinner they like and I get to fix "fancier" dinners for me and DH. Nothing I make for dinner for me or the kids takes more than 30 minutes (unless it's oven time).
I just want to throw out there - those of you who don't eat with(at the same time, not the same items) your kids, you might do a little research and give it a second thought.
Children learn their eating habits from their parents. Things like manners, how to cut things with the side of your fork, passing things from person to person, chewing with your mouth closed, eating slowly, and even over all attitude towards food (pickiness, propensity to over eat) is learned at the dinner table.
Trust me - I'm not trying to tell you ladies what to do, nor am I judging anyone. But as a licensed child care provider I take continuing education and am just passing on what I have learned in my classes with hopes it might help.
Eating Separate from the family
if they don't like it then they don't have to eat 
at first my kids were a bit resistant but hey I'm the parent right? 
