I know it is so hard to get going when it is such a huge journey! I'm so sorry you are unhappy with where you are right now.
I've done the lose/gain cycle many times too, and it is so frustrating! You try to convince yourself that you don't really care, that you don't mind being fat, blah blah blah. But then sometimes it all creeps up on you and you want to change.
Everyone is different, and what works for one person doesn't work for all. Now you know what doesn't work - that's a great place to start!
One thing I did differently this time, was that I did not diet. I am not following any plan, I don't count calories, or keep a journal. Nothing. I can easily follow a diet and lose weight - I've done it many times. But when the diet ends, the weight piled back on because I could not maintain eating that way for any length of time, never mind the rest of my life.
Some people do great with diets. They can then move to a healthy eating pattern and maintain. Not me. I always went off the diet because I had cravings that I could not ignore, and it snowballed from there.
I found changing how (not what) I ate to something that I could stick with forever was the key. If I wanted white rice, I would make a small amount, and mix it in with brown rice or have it side by side. A sandwich with white bread was fine as long as one slice of bread was whole wheat. If I wanted a high fat/calorie food, I would have it, but just a small bit, and fill the rest of my plate with as many veggies as I wanted. If I wanted chocolate, I bought high quality chocolate squares (like Lindt - each square prewrapped) and nibbled it in small bites. If I wanted ice cream, I bought really good artisinal stuff in a very small container and ate that slowly.
I also reformed my goals. Sure I wanted to lose weight, but I mostly wanted to eat healthier and get fit. I figured the weight loss would happen along the way. The weight is comming off slowly (gosh is it ever slow!), but it IS coming off, and it is staying off. It has taken me two years to lose forty-some pounds. I do not feel deprived of junk food, and I eat it in moderation. I just had poutine (fries with cheese and gravy) last week. This week, I might have a donut. I make it a treat that I am *allowed* to have, instead of a forbidden fruit.
I exercise regularly. This is a must. Not just to burn calories, but because it makes you feel better about yourself. It helps battle depression and makes you more able to do daily tasks with ease. Lots of people hate to exercise because they haven't found the right one for them. You may or you may not be a gym person. Think about what you see on TV or in real life that makes you go "I wish I could do that", and start with a lesson or a DVD. Maybe it's line dancing, or skating, or running, or golf, or tennis, or ballet. Don't let your age and weight be excuses not to start. The point is to have fun! I started belly dancing last year - it was my 40th birthday present to myself. Sure I'm awful compared to the professional dancers out there, but so what? I'm having so much fun!
BP
