are any of you married? how did you know it was the right one? i dont . i've been in this relationship for two years. i mean every waking moment of two years. and i just dont know. sometimes i am so sure,we make plans for our lives . and then something little happens anything and i really start to wonder im 20 is this really what is meant for me. or am i just holding on to this in fear there wont be anything else . what if i dont find someone better . am i too picky. i hate this. i feel so restricted in the relationship, but so alone without it. but he's so careless with my feelings sometimes. and i hate crying. what do i do . i dont have any friends. i dont like not knowing if im doing what im supposed too. and what if i decide to go. i just dump him after two years for no other reason then that im just not sure. and i know ill miss him so much and get back together. its happened . am i supposed to be single. i pray to God asking for some kind of sign to help ,but nothing yet. i see all this stuff about heart racing , shivers,romantic surprises, and i dont know any of it. he just always seems to mess up,even with good intentions. . .i feel so so lost.
Well I'm sure you've heard this many, many times, as I know I did when I was younger, but it is true. You will just KNOW when its the right man. My mom ALWAYS told me this and I thought "Yeah right". But she was right! When I first met my husband, I just knew right away. Its hard to describe, but you will know!
Also if he's causing you tears, then in my opinion, he's not worth it. I know I went through a "relationship" like that and I cried every single day!!! It tore my stomach up I was so stressed out! Looking back at it now I wish I could have slapped myself in the back of the head and told myself, "WAKE UP!!!!!"
Trust me, work on yourself, go out and start making friends. Join a group, a club, a church, a gym, and talk to people. Work on YOU. Do some things you have always wanted to do. It will make you a much happier, stronger woman.
But nobody can tell you what to do, only you know that answer. We can only offer advice. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
Sorry I didn't mean to "Crash" your thread here but I felt like I had a very simular experience and just wanted to share........
I'm 23 years old, and I'll have been in the same relationship for 5 years this coming February. I had the same mental train of thought. "I'm young, and I still have so much to do. Why am I tying myself down?" In the end, it doesn't matter how old you are, but what you want out of life.
There is a difference between ignorant to your feelings, and purposely careless (meaning, he knows it hurts you, yet he doesn't care).
If he doesn't care, then I say move on!
If he just doesn't seem to deal well with feelings, then you need to make a decision. My DF isn't always great with my feelings, but I know he doesn't do it purposely. In knowing that, a lot of what is said tends to roll off my back.
I don't think there is any perfect love or anything like that, but I do believe this:
If you meet someone, and you want to change what they do or who they are, it's not the right person for you.
If you meet someone, and you love them despite what they do or who they are, then it's love.
Have you talked to him about any of this? What does he think about your feelings regarding his actions towards you?
I hope that makes sense. One of the biggest hurdles DF and I got over was accepting eachother for who they were, and not trying to change it.
If what he says or does hurts you, even though he may not mean it, it's doubtful that it will change. I mean, it might lessen, he might catch himself more often before he says something careless, but he will still slip up. If this is something you can't live with, then it's not fair to yourself or to him to hang on to something you know you can't live with in the long run.
"what if i dont find someone better" - Is one person better than another person? The question I think you need to ask yourself is, "What do I want, and what do I deserve?" Write it out so you don't get lost in your spiral of thoughts. And if you have to kick him to the curb, then do not feel guilty. Your reason does not have to be good enough for anyone but you. I believe it's better to be honest with someone, and let them go, then to lead them on, and let them go later on.
Like I said, that's if he's unknowingly careless with your feelings.
Anyone knowingly careless with your feelings is not worth you or your time. You far supersede that. Mental abuse can be one of the hardest abuses to get out from under. I agree with the ladies, go out, meet some people. Maybe join a support group. Having someone for support is like a support safety net. You will feel stronger and more confident in your resolve to make this decision.
Good luck
Last edited by martiniforme; 11-20-2006 at 09:24 AM.
*hugs* I wish I had insanely good words of wisdom here, but I really don't.
My only advice would be to talk to him. I know my boyfriend says things to me he doesn't mean, things that are really hurtful that he doesn't think about. And he doesnt know it untill I say it.
I've been married for 4 years (since I was 18 years old). I don't think that age has anything to do with it, I think that (like someone else said) it's about what you want right now and in the future. Personally, I don't think I would want to marry someone who was careless with my feelings. I would tell him how I felt and say that we needed to work on things. If he didn't want to work on things then he isn't someone I'd want to spend forever with. ::hugs:: and good luck with whatever you do!
thanks ladies . . . you know the thing is he really wants to be with me. hes just a klutz. about everything , what i think someone would do out of common sense it doesnt even cross his mind. i get scared he's doing everything in his life right now ,basing it on that well be together. hes saving up for our wedding for a house . he tries so hard to make me happy . but i get scared to commit, i dont know if i should. he's my best friend i've known him since 3rd grade.but things about our relationship i cant change still bother me. his ex, i dont know why,things related to her hurt the most. things he has done, i sometimes feel like i just need to wipe the slate clean and start over with someone else. but i know he doesnt deserve that cause hes really trying i dont know anymore. ......
thanks ladies . . . you know the thing is he really wants to be with me. hes just a klutz. about everything , what i think someone would do out of common sense it doesnt even cross his mind. i get scared he's doing everything in his life right now ,basing it on that well be together. hes saving up for our wedding for a house . he tries so hard to make me happy . but i get scared to commit, i dont know if i should. he's my best friend i've known him since 3rd grade.but things about our relationship i cant change still bother me. his ex, i dont know why,things related to her hurt the most. things he has done, i sometimes feel like i just need to wipe the slate clean and start over with someone else. but i know he doesnt deserve that cause hes really trying i dont know anymore. ......
I think it's really important that you communicate all of this with him. Then he can make the decision as to whether to slow down the future planning. Could that also be what is causing you to feel tied down? The future rushing towards you a little too fast? Honey, trying to change him is futile. If he does change of your accord, and not his own, he may end up having very negative feelings (like resentment).
Take a good deep look inside you. Deeper than all of your fears, deeper than what you want the relationship to be, so deep that it's in the deepest part of your gut. Don't look at specifics. Look at your relationship in an overall light. It's a tough decision, but in every question, there is an answer. And I do believe you have an answer to this conundrum, you just haven't found it yet.
Only you can find this answer. As contradicting as it sounds, even he can't help you find it. But talking to him might make the answer more clear to you. Try taking some time to yourself, away from him, for a few days, and spend some time thinking it over without any bias (or with as little bias as possible).
I've been through something similar, and my answer presented itself. It was there all along, I just didn't know where to look. I was looking at him, when all along I should have been looking at me. And I am certain I've made the right decision.
Relationships are never easy, especially when all the attached strings get tangled. Good luck, and we're here for you sweetie.
I can't really top what Mande said.... Just want you know know we're here for you. I met my fiance at 20, and I know that I wasn't ready to be married or even engaged then. But it was a personal maturity level. A couple more years with him made the mental difference for me. And you know, sometimes guys are just oblivious as to the hidden meanings behind what they say. I would definitely talk to him about the saving for wedding/house... especially since you aren't engaged, right? That's a little presumptuous on his part, and maybe you feel like you're being pushed forward without your consent. Maybe just have him tell you he's simply saving money, like a smart person. If he takes the wedding/house tag off of it, it might seem a little better.
Sweetie, the first thing you should do is take some pressure off yourself. You can both work toward a future, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to continue to make decisions about what's best for your own future. Just because he's saving for a house it doesn't mean that you are obligated to stay with him if you don't feel like it's the best.
After I graduated from high school I started dating someone that was very good to me. We were together for 3.5 years. He was my best friend, and eventually my only friend... our lives revolved around each other. We talked about marriage and kids, and plans for the future. Some days it seemed that that was the way my life was supposed to be, others it seemed like I wanted more in life. One thing I always knew; although I did love him... he loved me more. So many times I contemplated breaking up with him.... but I really did care about him. Eventually though... I did. I won't lie to you, it did hurt. I felt alone and displaced. Even though it was my choice to break up with him, I still mourned the relationship. He was a great guy that wanted nothing more than to make a life with me, but somehow I always felt that it wasn't enough.
Fast forward to today.... I'm married to the love of my life and I have a beautiful 19 month old son. Listening to my deep down feelings was the best thing I ever did. Fighting through the hurt only made me stronger. I needed that time to be alone... I needed the time to date others.... I needed that time to build new friendships... I needed that time to figure out what I really wanted.
I'm not telling you to do what I did. I just want you to be true to yourself. Sometimes it's easier to just leave things the way the are. But only good things can come from perservering through the pain to end up where you need to be.... those are the tears that you grow from.
tears keep coming,they wont stop.
......
